Amazing Why so many people are still stuck

“Life is a process that becomes a combination of states that we have to go through. Where people fail is that they want to elect a nation and stay there. This is a kind of death.” ~AnaïsNin

I never imagined I would be fired.

It’s not because you had no qualifications or experience. In fact, I have built a successful academic and consulting career. I studied leadership, organizational behavior, and human development. I read the right books, took the right lessons, and created the right resume. I was doing everything right, by all the looks.

However, after taking on the role for 10 months, I was given up to pursue my position at the university I was in office. At the time, it felt devastating. I remember sitting in the aftermath of that moment and thinking. How did you get here?

I was always someone I wanted to be better. That desire continued on to me since I was a child. Here I had a deep desire to feel loved, connected and seen. When I was younger, I thought it would be to get better at basketball and get athletic admiration that would bring me. After that, I thought I could study leadership and performance.

I pursued excellence like a ladder. One rung at a time. If I can learn more, I’ll do more, if I can prove more, I’ll be better. right?

When he was fired, the illusion was shattered.

The developmental path that most of us walk

Looking back now, I can see that I was following a very general path. Most of us have been taught since we were children. I call it a better development path.

This path indicates that if you want to grow, you need to improve your skills, work harder, set goals and check more boxes. To be fair, there is nothing inherently wrong with this approach. It absolutely helps us improve in a progressive way.

But the truth I discovered is that through my own pain, research, and coaches of others – there are real limits to the better path.

It does not help us heal that self-destruction. It does not deal with our fear of failure or lack of self-confidence. Telling us that we are not enough does not quiet the voice in our heads.

And it doesn’t help us become people who can show up with courage in difficult moments.

That was my problem. It was not a lack of knowledge or ability, but a self-protective, hesitant, and reactive way of being. There was a tool. But I wasn’t the kind of person who knew how to use them effectively when it mattered.

What I needed wasn’t a new skill.

All I needed was a new relationship with myself.

Shift: From getting better to getting better

In the months I was fired, I went through a season of reflection. Not just about what happened, but how I was in the world. I spent so much time making myself seem competent that I realized I stopped being curious. I was not growth oriented, not open and self-protected, but defensive.

That’s when I came across another path of development. Now I’m calling for a better development path. This path does not start with “What do I need to do?” It starts with:

Who am I now? How do I relate to myself and the world around me? What kind of thoughts and inner stories are leading to my response?

It was only when I began asking these questions that the real transformation began.

I’m not the same person I was fired. And I don’t mean it in a vague and inspirational sense. It’s a fundamental change in how I experience life, how I respond to challenges, and how I see myself.

And it all started with turning inwards to understand yourself, rather than modifying yourself.

Three steps to walking on a better path

The beautiful thing about a better path is that it doesn’t require a change in work, a spiritual awakening, or a year off in Bali. It requires intentional self-exploration.

If you feel stuck or are trying to grow but continue to hit a wall, there are three steps that will help you begin my transformation.

1. Understand that you are by your side

Most people think that personal growth starts with action. What do you need to do to improve?

But real-life transformational growth begins with realizing you are on your side, especially. Your side is your internal operating system. It is an invisible system that governs how you view the world, how you interpret what happens to you, and how you respond in a particular situation.

This system is not just about thinking and beliefs, but also about how the body is regulated. Your aspect controls your ability to feel safe or intimidated, connected, or isolated, grounded or overwhelmed. In other words, it determines whether you are operating from a place of trust, compassion, or courage, or from fear, defense, self-defense.

Here’s the catch: Most of us don’t stop thinking that there is an internal operating system, let alone assess its quality. We assume that how we respond or that all we believe is “as it is.” But that’s not the case. That’s how your sides are currently wired.

When you start observing your internal operating system, you take your first step towards a real, lasting transformation when you start observing how to emotionally regulate, make meaning, or instinctively react. They begin to move from living on autopilot to living with a deliberate consciousness.

This awareness lays the foundation for the next step. As we assess the quality and elevation of your aspects, you can start the process of increasing it.

2. Evaluate current altitude

Once you understand and start connecting with the internal operating system, the next step is to assess its quality.

One powerful way to do this is to ask. Is my internal operating system wired primarily for self-protection or value creation?

When we are wired for self-protection, we tend to:

Reactive defense focused on avoiding discomfort, failure, or rejection related to ego and image preservation in the short term.

When wired for value creation, we tend to:

Deliberate open and non-defensive, focused on long-term contributions, connections and learning, engaging in challenges and discomfort

Here’s a simple example:

Imagine someone giving you constructive criticism. If the internal operating system is wired for self-protection, it may be attacked, justified, or defended. But if your system is directed towards value creation, you will receive feedback with curiosity, look back on it honestly and grow using it.

Or consider the moment of failure:

Self-protective thinking may swirl around self-deprecation, shame, or liberation. The idea of ​​value-creating is to view failure as a teacher rather than a threat, and rely on resilience.

The goal is not perfect. We all have moments of self-protection. But the more we recognize these patterns, the more we begin to assess where we are in the altitude spectrum and move consciously upwards.

That’s all about the third step. You can experience real transformation in the process of enhancing your aspects.

3. It will enhance your presence

Understanding and evaluating your aspects is essential, but as you start extending your internal operating system, real transformations happen.

Your existence is like the software that runs your life. If you want to experience new results in not just what you are doing, but also how you feel, connect and show up, you need to upgrade the programming of that system.

Enhancing your presence is not about forcing change from outside. It’s about rewiring how you adjust, perceive and respond from within. And this often requires intentional, layered efforts.

Here are three useful levels of development:

1. Basic initiatives: Strengthening regulations

These include practices such as meditation, breathing work, mindful movements, or simply spending time in nature. These activities help to calm and regulate the nervous system, reducing more presence and reactivity. They are the foundation for building the internal security needed for deeper growth.

2. Deeper Effort: Upgrading your mindset

Your way of thinking is the lens that you interpret the world. As you begin to move from fixed to growth, from fear to trust, from judgment to compassion, you begin to process your life in a more valuable way. This level of work helps you move from responding from habits to intentional responses.

3. Deepering effort: soothe with sauce

For many of us, our aspects are shaped by past experiences. It is particularly painful or overwhelming experiences that have left traces on our nervous system. Practices such as trauma therapy, EMDR, or neurofeedback therapy can help heal rather than merely coping. They allow us to safely revisit and release patterns that keep us stuck in self-protective mode.

None of these approaches are “quick fixes.” But together, they help us move from what we survived to prosperity. You’ll end up stuck with old programming and then become a new person from within.

The more we increase our presence, the more we create value, deepen relationships, bring integrity, and expand our ability to live with freedom.

There is no finish line, but the view continues to improve

I wish I could tell you that once you step into a better path, everything will be easier. it’s not. Growth is still difficult. Life is still life.

But your life experiences will change. You are less responsive and more present. You stop chasing success and feeling worthy, instead creating from a place of wholeness.

This is absolutely true to me.

Over the past few years, I have incorporated all three levels of effort into my life. Meditate regularly to calm the nervous system. I did a deep thinking job to change how I view myself and others. And I have been engaged in trauma therapy to heal a long-standing pattern that I didn’t even know was hindering me.

These efforts have not only changed what I am doing. They changed who I was. I feel more grounded, more open and more aligned with the people I’ve always wanted to be. I have become a better partner, parent, friend and leader. And for the first time I feel like I’m living from within. Rather than trying to prove something, I simply try to respect and trust me.

Ultimately, a path to better development is not about achievement. It’s about healing – a heart that spins with doubt, a body that tenses with fear, and a heart that hurts because of connection.

And as we begin to heal, we become free.

Since I stepped onto this path, I have written books, started a business, and built a community that I care deeply about. But more importantly, I have become someone I am proud of.

If you’re tired of doing all the right things and still feel stuck, consider this:

Perhaps the path forward is not something to do more.

Maybe it’s going to be more.

I’m not a different person, but I have you more than ever.