Creating big change: How to get out of your own way

Have you ever wondered if maybe the reason your life isn’t changing is because you don’t realize it?

For example, is there something in your conditioning or subconscious beliefs that is preventing you from taking action that could bring about the change you are seeking?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since participating in Nadia Colburn’s 5-Day Mindful Writing Challenge, because one of the challenges elicited deep insight into why I’ve been struggling to create the changes I most want in my life.

Part of the prompt was “Don’t go somewhere else,” but a short meditation at the start of the challenge led to a deep sense of calm and clarity, and the following insight:

Roots and wings. That’s what I’ve always wanted. And I always thought roots meant my hometown, my birthplace. A life away from them were my wings. But I’ve spent my whole adult life feeling like I had one foot outside the door, because I never had roots and wings at the same time. And that’s what I really want. To allow myself to be fully where I am. To trust that I’m safe where I am. That I’m not wrong to be where I am. That I’m not wrong wherever I am.

This was a big awakening moment for me, because it brought me to a deeper understanding of something I’d been thinking about recently, which was that in all the years I’d moved 15 times over the last 20 years, I’d never really allowed myself to settle. To commit to something. To be part of a community.

This doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy the various chapters or that I regret any of them – I did and I don’t regret any of them – I just made sure not to do anything that made me feel cramped.

For a long time, I thought it was insecurity and self-protection, conditioning from abuse and bullying telling me that no one really loved me, that it wasn’t safe for me to be part of a group. To some extent, that was true.

But I now see that I, too, was trapped by invisible bars of limiting beliefs that it was wrong to live away from my family. Both of my siblings still live in my parents’ house, just minutes away from my hometown and extended family. And even though I longed to be part of the pack, I always felt like the odd one out.

So I have lived in many places as a tourist rather than a resident, so that I would not be too stubborn to return home, or so that I could always return home.

Having a child changed everything. I want my child to feel comfortable. I want them to have real friends. I want them to have commitments and routines. So I’m trying to root for a second life and get over the fear of losing my family.

With more responsibilities and connections than I’ve ever had in my adult life, and though I always thought this would mean clipping my wings, I still feel free, because the thing I feared most is also the thing I desire most, and I’m finally overcoming the biggest barrier to experiencing it: the limitations of my own mind.

Our own internal obstacles are hard to overcome because they are often hidden. They are stories we have told ourselves over and over for years, lies we tell ourselves so often that they feel like the truth.

But they’re not true – they’re assumptions that we’ve entrenched in our worldview through misinterpretations of past events, assumptions based on (often painful) experiences, and which now seem like facts because we’ve backed them up with so much “evidence”.

They are essentially circus mirrored glasses that distort what we see and limit our options unless we start the work of removing them.

It starts with asking ourselves some questions to discover how and why we hold ourselves back.

What story are you telling yourself about why you can’t do what you want? What will you gain by clinging to this story? And what will you gain if you let it go?

What beliefs have I inherited or absorbed from others, why are these beliefs not in my best interest, and how would I change my behavior if I considered that they were not actually true?

Is my inner critic lying to me to keep me safe? Is this “safety” actually a prison? And what is the truth that will set me free?

It took me over 20 years to get over my inner barriers to settling down, and only recently did I realize they existed.

This makes sense, considering I too have spent decades solidifying the paralyzing belief that family should be close but that distance = safety.

That’s common for many of us: Our beliefs are long-ingrained and take time to unearth and challenge, and even longer to find the courage to act consistently against them and slowly build up the evidence that doing so is safe and beneficial.

But it all starts with an inner search. It starts with looking within yourself. It starts with silence and stillness and a willingness to question what you think you know.

Then you’ll probably find, like me, that the most important knowledge is the knowledge you’re willing to let go of.

If you’re interested in taking part in the Mindful Writing Challenge mentioned at the beginning (hosted by Tiny Buddha contributor Nadia Colburn, one of this month’s site sponsors), you can access it for free here .

Each day for five days, you will receive a 15-minute recording that includes a short meditation, an inspiring poem, and a writing exercise inspired by the poem.

I hope you find this practice as enlightening and empowering as I do.

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