“Emotions go back and forth like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thitch nhat hanh
On the day my daughter Zoe was seven weeks old, she shed tears while I was changing her diapers. but why? What did I do? I remember panicking, confused, scared, and instantly guilty.
Eventually I noticed her little finger was twisted in her pony print pajamas. As my life depends on it, I tried to release the small numbers and kiss her in the pain. Big tears poured my own cheeks as I gently swayed and healed the crying child.
That was when my wife entered the room. I felt that I was caught and deeply embroiled in embarrassment. An emotional thought kicked into overdrive: Ah, my God, I hurt Zoe. I’m a terrible mother, hurt my daughter, my wife knows it. Can either of you trust me again?
In that vulnerable moment, I was deep in my emotions, far from my wise heart. It is what you need to access to effectively navigate this situation. These “mindstates” are concepts of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that support people who regulate emotions and improve relationships.
DBT always tells us that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are influenced by three different potential states of mind: emotional, rational and wise.
To illustrate these states of mind, I provide examples of reactions to the following situations:
You’ve been trying to hang out with one of your best friends for over two weeks. She has not responded to your text or DMs. When she finally returns to you, she writes, “Hey. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can I go back next month and check it out?”
In the heart of emotions, you are controlled by emotions. Your emotions are in charge and determines how you act and respond. In this state of mind, things feel fierce, critical and urgent. As a result, you may feel consumed by impulsive choices, saying things that don’t actually mean, or being consumed by intense emotions.
Example: You take it personally and get hurt and rejected immediately. Your inner voice is blurred, “She doesn’t care about me” and “You’re such a loser.” Your anger may tell you to respond with a cheeky statement. Otherwise, your sadness may encourage you to hide under the cover so that you think “I’m not enough for anyone.”
With a rational mind, logic and facts pilot the ship. You will quietly analyze the evidence and try to solve the given problem on an intellectual level. Isn’t it good? But there is something missing. The rational mind is inherently cold and more isolated. In this state of mind, emotions are negated and emotional nuances are overlooked.
Example: After receiving the text, you might think, “She doesn’t want to hang out right now. She’ll text her next month.” “We need space. We’ll text you within a month.”
This thought process is logical, but you may feel almost robotically because it doesn’t take into account the wounds that are likely to be processed at that point. They feel rejected, worried, or experienced the pain of loneliness and anger. These are perfectly valid emotional responses that are not normally accessible in a rational mind.
The wise mind is where magic occurs. A wise mind synergizes the highest emotional spirit and the rational mind. It is the ability to balance emotional intuition with rational thinking. Wisemind helps you pause, check in yourself, and make decisions tailored to your emotions and the facts of your situation.
Example: You accept the stab wounds of your friend’s text (“She’s really sad that she wants space”), and acknowledge situations other than your control (“Maybe she’s dealing with the difficult thing that she’s not ready to tell me”). Pause long enough to determine the best next step. You can decide to respond to your friend’s text by saying, “Sorry for being overwhelmed. Please let me know if there is anything you can do to support you. I will check in with you next month.”
Why is a wise mind important for a very sensitive person?
Have you ever reacted to a situation you felt justified at this point? Why not stick to the small mistakes you made until you’re totally overwhelmed and annoyed?
Conversely, have you responded to difficult situations by suppressing your emotions? For example, you will soon be distracted from your thoughts on food, drugs, exercise, work, video games, and social media as you will realize you are beginning to worry about the mistakes you have made. Or have you developed a strong ability to separate yourself from your feelings that feel detached from yourself and others?
As an HSP therapist (and my own very sensitive person), I can assure you that these experiences are very common for sensitive people.
Wise Mind is one of the basic skills of DBT and is an evidence-based treatment that helps HSPs navigate moments when pure emotions and excessively logical thinking take over. Accessing the wise mind will take advantage of the intuitive part of yourself under emotional noise and analytical mind chat.
How to access the wise heart
You need to practice to automatically master the wise mind. First, we try to capitalize on this state of mind when we feel regulated. In a very wild revitalization context, ask yourself, what do my clever mind say?
Practice will develop a better sense of how it feels to be in the emotional mind, the rational mind, and the wise mind. This preparation sets you up for success. While the emotional experience is growing, you will be able to access a better, wise mind.
1. Pause and caution.
When you feel emotional, the first step is to pause and check in yourself.
Question: What am I feeling now? Label your emotions (for example, sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety). Notice the accompanying physical sensations (e.g. chest tension, lace thoughts, and throat lumps). Identify the impulses you are feeling (for example, to avoid assault, shutdown, or situations).
2. Name the facts.
Next, separate the facts of the situation from the stories your feelings may be telling you. This will help you eradicate you in reality while respecting your feelings.
Fact: Your friend has cancelled dinner plans. You have been friends with her for eight years. She hasn’t cancelled you in the past. Emotion: angry. It was a shame. sad. I’m lonely. Wisemind integration: I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing her, but I don’t know what she’s dealing with on her side. Send a check-in text to make sure everything is fine.
3. Breathing.
The easiest way to access a wise mind is through your breath. When you are in an emotional mind, the tense of your body, and your thoughts compete. When you are in a rational mind, your feelings are relegated to the dustbin. Deep, intentional breathing helps you take you to the present moment so that you can observe your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
Try this: inhal for a 4 count, hold a 4 count, and exhale at a 6 count. Repeat 3-5 times.
As you breathe, ask yourself:
What kind of mind state am I in? Do you know that my wise mind is true at this moment? What is most important to me in this situation?
How did you find a wise mind?
Let’s revisit the stories I shared at the beginning of this article about my daughter. I only bent her pinky a bit while wearing her pyjamas, but she was crying, and suddenly, I was also full of pure panic. My emotional heart was completely carried over: I hurt Zoe! This hurts our bond! I’m the worst mother alive!
Only when my wife came in would I realize how blindly I was arrested in my emotional heart. Yes, even as an HSP therapist, my feelings can make the most of me. I paused, took a calm breath, and tried to clarify the facts.
Fact: Zoe cried for about a minute. Fact: She was never injured and required no additional care. Fact: I was a mom for less than 3 months. This is a new experience for me. Fact: I really love my daughter.
These facts provided the rational perspective I lacked in the emotional whirlwind of emotions. However, naming these facts helped us to tilt the scale towards equilibrium.
I accessed the pleasant clarity of a wise mind, but in that state I was able to remember self-compassion. I am human. Mistakes happen. Zoe is fine and I learn every day. I try my best to do as much as I can. From this position I calmed Zoe and myself and was freed from a spiral of embarrassment.
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A wise mind allows sensitive people to navigate their spiritual experiences with clarity and self-understanding. With practice, anyone can access the wise heart. This promotes the healthy coexistence of both emotional depth and rational thoughts.
