“When you compensate yourself, you can intervene in your inner child and give your inner child deep love and attention that you may not have had when you were young. 」 ~Victoria Albina
Reparations are not for the faint hearted man, but travel can certainly be described as the greatest act of self-love. It’s a gift. It’s a chance to redo some of the painful aspects of childhood and adolescence, but with the awareness of the adult mind. It’s also an opportunity to connect much more deeply with yourself and those who want to connect in a more authentic way.
What is compensation?
Reparation is the process of unpacking childhood scars and conditioning and exposing our deepest needs, and using them as a guide to creating a life that is purposeful and tailored to the essence.
Unfortunately, many of us are born into families and systems that have existing programming, rules and norms. In addition to this, our parents often have their own wounds.
As impressive children, what we need most is to be seen, raised and loved to receive guidance and attunement. Without these, conformance begins, shaping us into a programmed version of ourselves, aligning more with our environment expectations than our true self.
This amputation creates inner conflict and leads us to adopt survival strategies to keep us safe from perceived dangers such as unfulfilled parental desires and wounds. This process is entirely on the subconscious level, which is why it is so destructive.
When parents choose to bring their children into this world, they expect to nurture and guide this life in line with what their children need, but it requires attunement and ego to be left at the door There is. Unfortunately, many parents either live on behalf of their children or remain unaware of their nature, focusing solely on their survival. Worse, many parents are emotionally immature and cannot embody true compassion or hold space for views that differ from their own.
Curiosity and learning are not the forefront value. This will cause your child to lose his essence over time, in order to be able to fit in, stay safe and accept in the system. This brings about the birth of self-erosion and survival modes, as we know it. Children lose some of their curiosity and enthusiasm in life, and in some cases are replaced by strict rules and expectations. If it’s even worse, it’s replaced by abuse.
Reparation is related to reconstruction.
As my therapist vividly explained, reparations are similar to being a contractor, architect, designer of my existence. This epiphor of remake a house resonated deeply with me after suffering from years of patterns and misaligned it with my essence.
The rebuilding process maintained the “home” aspect I loved. I began to tell what didn’t fit, what was dated, what needed a fresh coat of paint. In some cases, I took proverb sledgehammers to many walls and started again.
I began this journey after years of suffering. It appealed to seducing people and situations that were not in line with my deepest self. As they say, I continued to pursue the wounds of my childhood, from “our injuries pick up until we choose to heal.”
This does not mean that our parents do not love us or that they are not doing their best. It simply means that we are all called to dive deeper, and at some point on our journey, who am I? Who am I without labels, roles, expectations?
Trauma is not always clear. It’s as easy as harsh tones and unfulfilled expectations. The moment is frozen, and a young mind that has not fully developed may create a story of “I’m adorable.”
In Gabor Maté’s words, “Trauma is not an event, it is what happens within you as a result.”
This quote captures the journey to healing as a disconnection from the self from trauma and a return to the self.
The academic pressures in my own life equated achievements with valuable things and manifested in the “good girl” persona. I carried that persona to adults and it manifested in my codependent and people-pleasing way. I’ve learned to be comfortable and rational. That persona kept me “safe.”
I shrunk myself, silenced my voice and received less acceptance than I had hoped. This caused deep obscurity and many internal discords. Don’t rock the boat was the theme of my life. Be likable and avoid conflict. Side by side to make sure what you’re doing and what you say is considered “acceptable.” I’m tired of reading it. It was me for a very long time.
I was tired of my compromise and longed for authenticity, so I wanted to bring my true self back to life.
Reparation starts with one powerful question. Who am I?
From there we ask: what do I want to make? What are my values, needs, and deepest desires? These are not light questions and can take some time to answer, but you have to start somewhere. These questions led me to explore my triggers: disproportionate responses rooted in the past. They serve as a guide to pointing to our wounds.
As my therapist told me, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”
Triggers are “normal” responses to unresolved trauma, but often react or shut down us in ways that don’t help us. We may never completely eliminate triggers, but we can reduce the fees and effectiveness of our lives.
Observing my reactions and stories in my daily life led me to reconnect with my younger parts, those that were rejected, buried or denied. “What do you need?” I have asked many times.
I began to act like a loving current parent with no shame, guilt, judgment. I’ve just started listening. I learn all the ways I need to love myself more, where I need to rest in my life, where I need to talk, where I need to play, and what I want to experience in this life in depth I’ve come.
There were many tears, deep pain and shame. I allowed myself to feel it all. I had conversations with many versions of myself and I vowed to give my younger me a life that was built in truth.
I also had to be very pleased with being uncomfortable. I knew that living in the truth meant demolishing many delusions and making a statement. This will undoubtedly cause confusion in places and situations where delusion is a desirable way of life. This meant I was losing the connection. It’s a huge blow to our inner child, and even if it means self-betrayal, it’s familiar and we do anything to maintain connection with others.
The work of the inner child includes acknowledging all parts of us with love and compassion, giving them what they need. This process brings us closer to integrity and self-understanding. I now have a picture of me young that I connect with frequently. I promised her that I would continue to create a life in line with our core and desires.
To this day, one of my biggest triggers is to represent inequality and inequality. This stems from many layers of my own injuries, creating the story of “What happens to me is unfair and I’m worthless.”
I learned there are some fights that are not mine to fight. There are battles that belong to others. When something personally affects me, I have learned to set boundaries and express my frustration in a mature way. I don’t need to project my past onto my present or others.
I had to learn about boundaries – a hot topic these days.
Without boundaries, we cannot be real, and we cannot live our best life, as our energy is certainly finite. Our time and energy are precious and we have the right to manage them in line with our values.
Enquiries will begin. Given your current abilities, what do you need at this moment? And how can you express it as gently as possible? In some cases, kindness is not possible, and in other cases, especially when there is an intimate relationship, it may be called to explain why you are setting a particular boundary.
This is a very subtle process. It takes time, trial and error and is ongoing forever! It may seem uncomfortable at first as we start to reconnect with ourselves. As we dive deep into our inner world and make adjustments along the way, our boundaries change over time. There are no hard and fast rules. But for me, note that the boundaries are not passed to take grossly reckless behavior. They should not be used as electric fences. It causes more damage and isolation.
In some circumstances, if someone clearly doesn’t respect you or what you are expressing, strict boundaries are appropriate. But on the extreme side of the spectrum, we see people who cut off others and burn bridges in the name of “narcissism.”
To truly love, you have to take into consideration other people and come to a place where you can work together and accept them on that person’s edge. Of course, this does not apply to abusive situations. I’m referring to personal relationships. We also need to remember that our truth is not the only truth.
Real love means balancing our needs with others, and we all recognize that we deserve grace and provide our truth if our goal is a true connection It means providing compassion when doing so.
The goal of compensation is to live a more authentic life.
It’s about forgiveing our parents. It’s not about erasing the past, but about freeing yourself from its retention. Forgiveness means choosing to release resentment and focus on the life we are building, whether we maintain a relationship with them or not. If necessary, you can extract the benefit communicated and use the lessons learned. Even if the lesson leads to discovering people you don’t want to be. That’s also worth it.
Compensation includes losses. This is digging into old identities and relationships built on personas rather than authenticity. But it is also freedom that is consistent with our true desires and essence. In Gabor Maté’s words, “Healing is a return to self.”
This journey requires fundamental integrity and accountability. It means asking difficult questions, releasing responsibility, and embracing connections with yourself and others. On the other side of pain is authenticity, fulfillment, and life that reflects who we truly are.
I can confidently say for this work I am calm with myself, I use my voice if necessary, I am more authentic. In other words, I live in the truth.
Where in your life can you start to parent yourself? Start with the question: what should I see, feel safe and raised?
About Christine Rodriguez
Christine Rodriguez is a mental life coach dedicated to helping others do not serve their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, or actions, and they can create a life that is in line with their true desires and abilities. I’ll do that. To work with her, visit Miraculousshifts.com. You can find her on Instagram @miraculoutulutyshifts_christy.
