“Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the biggest obstacles we can suffer.” ~Gabor Mate
Most of us always avoid the experience, not because we don’t like or want them, but because we don’t want to feel how we feel when we go through that experience.
Our lives become altered by emotions we don’t want to feel, as we don’t want to move towards something that can bring about strong emotions like fear, shame, sadness, and disappointment.
We don’t want to go to that party because we probably find it bothersome and embarrassing.
We don’t want to chase that job opportunity in case we feel disappointed if things don’t work.
We don’t want to go on that trip because it can be scary.
I don’t want to slow down my busy life. Because it feels too scary to contemplate emptiness and quietness.
And we get this idea of ourselves and this is who we are. We are free:
People who don’t like parties are those who don’t travel to those who are busy but fear procrastinators who are extremely stressed
This has the idea of who we are. So this is how we should live. Perhaps we are angry and anguished about being “this type of person.” Or maybe we don’t accept it like we do because it’s embedded in our personality.
For most of my life I thought I was a nervous, careful, and terrifying person. That was exactly how I was born. Just as I couldn’t change my deep love for hair color or mashed potatoes, I thought I couldn’t change it. It felt biologically. Some were brave and courageous. I was scared and afraid of almost everything.
I carried this with me until I learned that emotions like fear and fear, anger and anger, despair and sadness are the emotions that we need to learn how to be with us. And if we don’t learn how to be with them, they can have a huge impact on our lives. We will create this idea about who we are and the type of personality we have, and we will avoid those that cause these feelings.
But what we actually avoid is not the experience, people, things, but the emotions we feel when we think about it or try to do it. Feelings like meeting new people, starting new work projects, and the thickness of travel uncertainty.
It is a very difficult feeling for us, not an experience. So we start to choose what we are ready to do and what we are not doing. We shape our lives around things that produce emotions that we don’t know what to do. And because of how we feel, and what we think happens when we walk towards that feeling, we’re not heading towards what we hate.
Because our bodies are either not really used to the emotions we avoid, or have proven problems in the past.
This is because many of our emotions activate our survival network. And when our survival network is activated, things are urgent, perhaps dangerous and unsafe.
Maybe we have sweaty palms, a sense of destiny within our bodies, a lace mind, a desire to quickly escape, a panic, or even a wealth of uncontrollable rage.
So our brains begin to associate this feeling with survival. It’s like labeling “new job opportunities” or “traveling” as unwanted or unsafe experiences due to the emotions that create that experience.
I just don’t know what to do with these feelings.
Our brains say, “Don’t go near me! It’s dangerous!”
So we become like video game players, avoiding falling rocks, jumping over snake holes, and running around out of the way of giant fireballs.
But what our brains perceive as a threat is not actually a threat, but rather an emotional feeling that we don’t know what to do.
Snake holes are not snakes, they are afraid of traveling. Or the rock is a terror of disappointment and despair. Avoiding fireballs is trying to avoid shame.
But what is harsh is that despite wisely trying to avoid these feelings, these survival responses, they cannot be avoided entirely.
Shame, fear, anger, fear – they are in our bodies and appear elsewhere. We cannot avoid them completely, and by trying to avoid them, we simply make our lives smaller and smaller.
Are we destined to spend our lives in avoidance mode?
Should some things be accepted that it’s “too difficult”, “too stressful”, “not for people like us”?
no way.
That’s really exciting about our brains. Because of the way we learned to deal with emotions, we learned to become this. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn new ways. Not being able to “rewire” the responses you’ve learned.
By working with my own fears and learning how to be with it, I stopped feeling so scared about everything in my life. I completely changed the way I saw myself. I no longer believe I am a scary and overly cautious person.
I gave it time to learn to have fear energy in a calm and slow way.
I realized that the problem is not intentionally avoiding emotions. That means we don’t understand them.
This is very difficult about what many of us have learned to live our lives.
We are not given the tools to deal with emotions (most of us are not anyway), and we are just driven out into the world to “make life.”
There’s a good relationship!
Please succeed! Do a good job!
Deal with work colleagues/clients/stressing bosses.
Deal with sadness, aging, health issues, and dying loved ones!
Even if your parents are a bit tinsel, absent, authoritarian, and loved ones, they will be good parents.
How are we supposed to navigate the world when it generates so many emotions for us and has never learned how to deal with them? When we feel constantly pushed by either our emotional reactions or by others?
Awakening an act of self-compassion and empathy for the emotions we struggle with is one of the most powerful steps we can take as we begin this journey.
Decided: Wow, I was not given the tools to navigate the countless emotions I encounter every day! And that’s difficult!
A little bounty, a little kindness, a little understanding of this is a very powerful step from how you usually respond to emotional activation.
Can you provide yourself with some kindness and understanding instead of responsibility and judgment? It makes sense to me to feel this way. They have not learned how to deal with feelings of shame, fear, and sadness.
Providing compassion in the face of a strong emotional response is a powerful step. Because we have the habit of trying to dismiss/justify/evoke our feelings. That’s all their fault! I’m a very awful person! Everything is so scary! They made me mad!
Instead, can we decide to walk to be by our side? Can you embrace the challenges you face with emotions? And instead of blaming ourselves and being ashamed, can we instead decide to move towards kindness, understanding, empathy and compassion?
It is much easier to support yourself through experiences that can activate them when emotions exist and allow them to meet with empathy and create a sense of internal safety around them.
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About Diana Bird
Diana Byrd is a neuroemotional coach and writer who helps people to be free from overwhelming, panic and fear, calm and confident. Sign up for her free emotional processing mini workshop and receive powerful tools, free training and ongoing support to change your emotional well-being. Take the first step to continuing emotional change. Diana lives in southern Spain with her two children and her photographer husband.
