If you want more friends or want to get along better, but aren’t sure how to get there, you’re in good company. So many adults feel exactly this, believing they are the only ones, and that’s part of what keeps everyone stuck. The desire is almost universal. What is missing is know-how.
The encouraging news is that making friends as an adult is a learnable skill, not a personality trait you either have or don’t have. This is done based on several principles that are well understood by researchers, and once they are understood, the path becomes clearer. Here’s a practical guide to actually doing it.
short version
To make friends as an adult, put yourself in a place where you meet the same people over and over again. Friendships are developed through repeated contact rather than one great encounter. Then, take initiative. Most people wait for others to act first. Be consistent, accept that early interactions will feel a little awkward, and gradually move from small talk to genuine, vulnerable conversations. Friendship is largely a matter of time and repetition, and requires courage, not charisma, to reach out.
Why it feels harder than before
It helps to start by letting yourself off the hook. If adult friendships are difficult for you, it’s not because you’re bad at it. It means that the conditions have changed. School and early jobs used to involve being around the same people day in and day out and friendships forming almost automatically. In adulthood, the scaffolding is removed, and tasks that used to occur naturally now become intentional. (We explore this in more detail in “Why Adult Friendships Are So Difficult.”)
This one reframing removes shame. You’re not fixing a defect. You are, by choice, rebuilding structures that the world once provided for free.
Step 1: Go to the same places repeatedly
The most important action comes before the conversation and is choosing the right environment. The strongest predictor of friendship is simple repeated contact with the same people, so the goal is to put yourself in an environment where that is available.
Look for fixed, recurring group activities rather than one-time events. Weekly classes, recreational sports leagues, volunteer shifts, book clubs, choirs, running clubs, and standing community meetings. You can’t build anything with a single mixer that you’ll never see anyone with again. It is possible to meet weekly.
There’s solid psychology behind this. Repeated exposure to the same people at low pressure tends to increase our liking for each other, an effect researchers have repeatedly demonstrated and termed the mere exposure effect (Zajonc, 1968). Just by showing up in the same place regularly, the odds are tilted in your favor before you even say a word.
If possible, choose something related to your genuine interest. Sharing your enthusiasm sparks conversation and increases your chances of hitting it off with the people there.
Step 2: Become an initiator
This is a quiet truth that, once absorbed, removes many numbs. Most people want more connection and wait for someone else to make the first move. When you reach out, you are usually not pompous. You are doing what the other person expected someone else to do.
So it’s someone. After class, I recommend drinking coffee. Get the number. Instead of a vague “Let’s go out sometime,” send a text that suggests an actual plan: “Do you want to go out for lunch Thursday?”
Two findings make starting less scary. First, the warmth you’re not sure about is usually already there, because people always underestimate how much a new acquaintance likes them, a gap that psychologists call the “liking gap” (Boothby et al., 2018). Second, we tend to believe that reaching out is unwelcome far more often than it actually is. The rejection you brace for almost never comes.
Someone has to go first. Most of the battle is deciding to be yourself.
Step 3: Consistently show up and take your time.
New friendships require repetition to take root. In other words, consistency is more important than a single great hangout spot. Say “yes” to the invitation. Please continue returning to the group. Be the one to follow up.
It helps to have realistic expectations about timelines. Jeffrey Hall’s research suggests that it takes about 40-60 hours of being together to form a casual friendship, about 80-100 hours to become a true friend, and over 200 hours to reach intimacy (Hall, 2019). Intimacy is a function of accumulated time, so an initial stretch of investing without much return is normal and necessary, not a sign that it’s not working.
Knowing numbers can mysteriously free your mind. If two cups of coffee don’t deepen your friendship, there’s nothing wrong with that. You just haven’t put in the time you need structurally yet.
Step 4: Move from small talk to real talk.
Repetition and time create familiarity, but intimacy requires more than that. It’s honesty. Friendships deepen as people gradually share what’s really going on, their real opinions, conflicts, and what’s behind the fun.
This is the step that most adults stumble upon. Small talk feels safe, so it stays small talk, and connections plateau at the “close acquaintance” stage. The solution is to take small, well-timed risks to open, address the real challenges we face, give honest opinions, and ask questions that go a little deeper than the weather. When one person opens up a little, the other usually meets them too and the relationship takes it to the next level.
There’s no need to overshare or force deep conversations before you get the hang of it. Be willing to be a little earlier and a little more realistic than you feel comfortable with, rather than in the moment that is strictly required. Good questions are very helpful. This is one reason why a series of conversation prompts can quietly transform dinners and hangouts, replacing superficial chit-chat with the kind of conversation people actually remember.
Step 5: Lower the bar and play the long game
Finally, there are two mindset shifts that will make all of the above sustainable.
We lower the bar for what a hangout should be. Adults often skip hooking up while waiting for a dinner party they don’t have time to host. Friendship does not require production values. A walk, a quick coffee, running errands together, or a phone call on the way to work are all important and low-effort actions that will preserve your friendship during important moments.
And play the long game. Not all people become close friends, and not all attempts are successful. It’s not a failure, it’s a normal calculation in meeting people. Keep showing up, keep reaching out, and develop authentic connections at your own pace.
Above all, remember that any awkwardness at the start is temporary and shared. Almost everyone finds this difficult. Many people who develop rich friendships as adults are not very attractive or sociable. They are the ones who kept showing up and kept reaching out while everyone else was waiting to be approached.
Useful shortcuts to know
If building all of this from scratch feels overwhelming, that’s a natural reaction, and it shows you why intentional communities have become so valuable. Good communities take several of these steps at once. It brings together the same people in a regular rhythm, lowers the barrier to participation, and is made up of people who are clearly there to connect. This removes most of the guesswork as to whether your interest is welcomed or not.
This is a big part of the idea behind The Flouring Life, a community built around shared reflection and growth. It doesn’t create a friendship for you, and it can’t create anything, but it creates the conditions for it to become possible. This is the most difficult part to make alone. Whether you find your companion there or in a completely different place, the principles are the same. Show up at a place where similar faces gather, be the first to make a real-time call, and make your presence known.
References
Hall, J.A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make friends? Journal of social and personal relationships. Abstract EJ Boothby, G Cooney, GM Sandstrom, MS Clark (2018). The preference gap in conversation. psychological science. Link-Zajonk, R. B. (1968). Effects of mere exposure on attitudes. Summary Franco, MG Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make and keep friends. APA “Speaking of Psychology”
Related reading: Why adult friendships are difficult · The strength of weak ties · The science of belonging
FAQ
How do adults make new friends?
Put yourself in environments where you meet the same people repeatedly (in classes, leagues, volunteer roles, or regular groups), take the initiative to suggest plans, show up consistently over time, and gradually move the conversation from small talk to true open conversation. Friendships grow primarily through repeated contact, plus a willingness to reach out first.
Why is it so difficult to make friends after the age of 30 or 40?
Built-in structures that once provided friendships, school, and early jobs crumble, and adult responsibilities eat up the unstructured time they require. This difficulty reflects changing circumstances rather than a personal flaw, and can be overcome through deliberate restructuring of repeated contacts.
How long does it take to make friends as an adult?
According to research by Jeffrey Hall, it takes about 40 to 60 hours of time together to become casual friends, 80 to 100 hours to become true friends, and over 200 hours to become intimate. Intimacy depends on accumulated time, so consistency is more important than a single meeting.
What is the best way to meet people as an adult?
Ideally, participate in fixed, regular group activities, rather than one-off events, that are tied to your real interests. A regular setting satisfies the friendship need for repeated contact, and shared interests provide natural conversation and common ground.
How can I turn acquaintances into true friends?
By repeatedly spending unstructured time together, you gradually deepen the conversation by sharing real opinions and experiences. If you take a small risk to be honest, your partner will usually reciprocate, and your relationship will move from friendship to intimacy.
Is it normal to feel awkward making friends as an adult?
Completely. Almost everyone finds it unpleasant, and most people underestimate how much others already like them. The initial discomfort is shared and temporary. The people who build strong friendships are usually the ones who just keep showing up and reaching out.
