“Enjoy the little things in life. One day you may look back and realize that they are big.” ~Robert Brault
I’m a mindfulness teacher who struggles with my heart and mind, as my son is only a few months away from going to college.
While avoiding frequent mother conversations about “empty nests,” I struggle to admit that the last child leaving the house might be more difficult than he thought. Ironically, working skillfully with difficult emotions is exactly what I teach.
Every school event I attend feels like a heavy, steady march towards graduation day. Yesterday, at the high school gym, I was caught between two other senior moms being looked away. Their hearts and emotions are far away in the future, and they have already experienced that last goodbye embrace on their days of college entry.
I was feeling some of the same emotions, but the experience gave me clear insight: I don’t want to miss the time I left with my high school senior because I live my life as if he already did. Then the poem of Bashaw flashed in my mind:
Even in Kyoto
Hearing the cuckoo scream
I’m craving Kyoto
Do you know when the poem completely crystallizes the emotions you are feeling? This nails it. While holding it tightly, there is something very special and beautiful, and the feeling that you’ve missed it before it’s gone. The more you explore, the stronger you become. A creepy feeling of craving something while still having fun.
Here is my non-poetic version:
There are only four months left
Laughter comes from his room
My heart is already hurting
I have considered asking for a weekly “mother/son date” for the rest of the school year, and I know well. His fourth grade should focus on his own priorities, not on my emotional needs as a parent.
So, what can I do to make the most of the rest of my time with him while he enjoys his fourth grade?
Then it came to me. Taste.
I dawn to me that I already have the best tool for this situation. Practice of taste mindfulness. We usually think about tasting food-related flavors, just as we consciously enjoy bites of high quality chocolate. Mindfulness allows you to taste anything. The scent of the flowers – even people.
Remembering this gives you an idea of how to make the most of your time with him, rather than overlooking it thanks to the uneasy mind living full-time in the future.
Previously, I used taste practice to increase the intensity and ratings of positive experiences and emotions, but it worked. So why isn’t it now? It also feels right because it is a “stealth” mindfulness exercise.
Now I want to start applying what I’m teaching and exist more in this important relationship in my life. I’m starting to use the popular mindfulness practice known for the acronym “Stop”
When I taste the presence of a person: I stop, take a deeper, intentional breath, use my five senses to observe the moments and advance consciousness.
“Secret Source” is the observation stage that involves leaning against my five senses.
Now, instead of multitasking while we are in the kitchen together, I pay close attention to the information that comes through my five senses. I’m also trying to practice high quality listening. This kind of listening is different from the usual conversations where we half-guided and half-think about what we are about to back back. Here, I am simply trying to listen with all my heart.
The interaction concludes with a final stage: advance awareness. I immerse myself in the warmth I get from being with him and I engrave it in my heart. Mindfulness wears out quickly, and it’s fine. I know I’m not always aiming for this kind of heightened awareness state.
I took a big sigh as I wasn’t too worried for the next four months. Autopilot interactions are replaced by a gentle, connected feeling. Every day I choose at least one interaction, taste his presence and make an intensive effort to together assess the richness of our simple everyday moments.
This afternoon, the smell of steak in a cast iron skillet attracts me to the kitchen. I pay full attention to the new baritone voice as he speaks, closely admiring the way he peels off garlic like a trained chef, and smiles at the rays of the sun hitting the gold threads of his hair.
About Madeline Schamer
Madeline works as a meditation teacher and serves as a trained mindfulness facilitator at UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC). She is also a certified sylbotherapist specializing in forest therapy and nature meditation. Her work includes major communities and parent groups, working with teens to guide mindful pregnancy programs, promote workplace mindfulness, and provide private sessions focused on secular mindfulness and insight meditation. Visit her at abundancemindfulness.com and instagram @abundancemindfulness
