“Happiness turned to me, “It’s time. It’s time to forgive everything you didn’t…More than anything, it’s time to believe in reckless abandonment that you deserve me, as I’ve been waiting for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I didn’t know who I was.
That realization hit me like a punch in the chest after I ended my 10-year relationship and cancelled my wedding six weeks before it was supposed to happen.
I remember standing in the kitchen one morning, staring at the floor.
That may sound small, but it was the beginning of its clarification.
When you’re not sure what music you like, you probably don’t know what your value is. Or your opinion. Or your boundaries. Or your identity.
And in my case, I didn’t.
My identity was completely shaped by others. I became an expert who felt what people wanted from me and then I became an expert.
I did it with my romantic partner, friends and colleagues. I was like having this superpower. I walked into the room, assessed the energy and changed myself into the person I thought was my most likeable version in that context.
Perfect for my acting career. It’s not very good in real life.
When the relationship ended and I finally found myself, I didn’t feel like I was just lost. I felt a dent. I never got to go home. And lonely? It was unbearable.
I’ve now entered what I call my “sad summer.”
At the time, I called it freedom. I drank more than usual. We had a party more than usual. I finally told myself I was alive. But behind it all there was a deep, quiet pain. confusion. An emotional mist that doesn’t lift up.
In the end, the fog turned to something dark. That was enough, as my soul said.
And somewhere in that mess, I grabbed a pen.
I didn’t know what else to do. I was swirling so much inside me and there was no point. So I sat in my diary and wrote two lists.
Listing 1: Who am I?
This list was difficult to write. It wasn’t narcissistic or positive. He was honest.
I wrote something like this:
I’m worried and constantly thinking too much. When you want to say no, say yes. I’m trying to become what other people think they want to be me. I interrupt people when they’re talking. Because I want to feel friendly. I’m always feeling guilty, but I don’t know why. I don’t trust myself.
There was no sugar coating. There is no judgment either. I’ll just observe.
I looked at the page and thought about it. This is where I am.
Then I turned the page over.
Listing 2: Who I want to be
I felt this list was different. It’s not dreamy or abstract, but it’s clear.
I wrote something like this:
I want to be grounded and calm. I want to be kind, patient and generous. I want to listen more than I can talk about it. I want to say no without guilt. I want to bring more love and show more in fear. I want to move through a world that I don’t feel I need to prove myself.
Reading them made me feel how much different my two versions are. Not just how I appeared in the world, but how I treated myself.
One list was full of fear, defense and guilt. The other was rooted in confidence, calmness and choice.
It wasn’t about becoming a brand new person. It was to be me. My version has been buried under the layers of perfectionism and performance that pleases people for many years.
If you’re not honest about who you are now, you can’t be the person you want to be. That’s exactly what these two lists gave me. It has an appearance that has not been filtered on either side of the mirror.
When I looked at both lists side by side, I was not embarrassed. It felt clear.
The gap between them was not a flaw. That was a direction.
And I had the choice to make. Please continue like me. Or, finally, we’ll do a changing job.
It’s not just a month. It’s not just until you feel better. But this time it’s true.
An unpleasant kind of change. The kinds of re-creating your patterns and rewiring your reflections,
And asks you to let go of everything that no longer fits.
That moment became the basis of my healing journey.
Recognize first, then change
Let me be clear: I woke up the next day and didn’t make it to the second list of magic.
All I did was start to realize. I left the conversation, oh… I stopped people again. I tried to make it interesting, not authentic. When I meant no, I said yes.
At first, that perception was frustrating. I wanted to go further. But in the end, I realized that victory was realising.
The most useful part of the process was journaling.
I began to track my thoughts, my actions, the entire conversation. I ask myself: Did I attend today? Or was I in my head? Did I try to prove something? Where did that pattern appear?
Sometimes, set a small focus, such as “stop it” and observe it for a few weeks. I began to realize who felt the need to impress, when it lost its presence, and what kind of people caused those old habits. I wasn’t trying to fix it all at once – I was learning myself in real time. That perception has become a bridge every day.
That’s the starting point for all the actual shifts.
Over time, those small moments of realization turned into different choices. I began to speak. Sets the boundary. Rather than being paralyzed, I sit with emotions. Choose presence over performance.
And little by little, I began to become the person on my second list.
It’s not perfect. It’s not quick. But honestly.
What I learned from writing two lists
1. Change begins with radical integrity. If you don’t want to name where you are, you can’t grow.
2. Self-awareness is a skill, not a switch. It builds slowly. be patient.
3. You don’t need to know the entire path. The direction alone is sufficient.
4. The goal is not perfect. It’s alignment. It’s proud of who you are.
If you are in the unraveling season, I will meet you. It’s disorientation. That’s uncomfortable. But it could also be the doorway to all the real thing.
So grab the pen. Write a list.
Not to be ashamed of yourself, but to meet yourself.
That moment of truth may be the moment that changes everything.
There is no need to write a complete list. You don’t even need to know what to do right away. Please be honest. Start where you are. Please come before Clarity changes. And for now, that’s enough.
About Sarah Mitic
Sarah Mitici helps people reunite themselves and overcome life challenges with clearer, more peace and self-confidence. As the founder of gratitude and growth, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset and emotional resilience. For more information, please visit www.gratituitygrowth.com.
