“Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” ~Unknown
Five years ago, as I neared my 40th birthday, I felt deeply dissatisfied with my life.
I decided to change everything. I decided to leave San Francisco, where I had lived for nearly a decade, to change the trajectory of my career and finally focus on my passion: writing.
I also vowed to address issues of intimacy in friendships and relationships. This desire led to countless online dates and deeper introspection about the impact of my mother’s death and the emotional distance between my father and me, especially when I was a teenager.
That period of self-reflection allowed me to face my deeper insecurities and desires head on, and my need to look in the mirror and determine what changes I could make to live a more harmonious life. I was forced to. Age was a factor when thinking about how I wanted to live the second half of my life.
Ultimately, it came down to an honest assessment and acceptance of where I was at the time, and what I would change within my control.
accept being single and childless
When I was in my early 30s, my best friend’s mother encouraged me to have a child, telling me I would regret it later. As I neared 40 years old and reflected on not having children by choice, I did not regret my childless existence.
However, in my 40s, I faced the social stigma of being single and childless. Friends have commented about single people in their late 30s or 40s that something must be “wrong” with them if they are still single. I wanted to challenge that assumption.
Some people are afraid of intimacy because of past trauma, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything inherently wrong with them. I think there are some people who simply prefer the single life.
I was happy with my decision not to have children and was grateful for the change I was able to make by not having children. Moving to Santa Fe in his early 40s might not have been so easy if he had children. This move had an incredibly positive impact on my life. Being in the “Land of Enchantment” opened the door to a very satisfying and creative life.
intentionally shape my life
I took a “life audit” and reflected on various aspects of my life. True, I did not conquer everything at once, but slowly changed various areas of my life. For example, I started by saying that I wasn’t happy with San Francisco and started thinking about what kind of environment would be right for me.
Next, I reevaluated my career and decided I wanted to spend more time on personal writing. So I set out to find a job that would provide me with a steady income, one that wouldn’t drain my energy, and that would allow me to focus on my creative life. I knew I wanted to be in a healthy relationship someday, so it might take some effort on my part, such as recognizing my own barriers to intimacy and reflecting on how previous relationships went wrong. I understood that there wasn’t.
Slowly, my life is starting to change as I start working on different aspects of my life and become more intentional about where I invest my time and energy and where I focus my thoughts. I understand that.
Embrace the process of self-discovery
My inner work over the past five years (I turn 45 later this year) has led me to a life of balance, purpose, and meaning. During that time, I looked in the mirror and felt like I had reconciled parts of my past and reclaimed my future.
I learned that it’s never too late to change the trajectory of your life. It hasn’t been easy, but the journey to get to where I am now has been extremely fulfilling.
Now, my nervous system has shifted from fight-or-flight mode to a stable resting place, allowing me to fully embrace what I’ve built: my remote work, my writing career, my community, and the new place I call home. I can now understand it.
I recognize that the “life audit” I undertook at age 40 has led me to where I am today, and anyone brave enough to reinvent themselves in midlife. We know that this kind of transformation is possible.
5 steps to reinvention
Here are five steps to help you transition into midlife.
1. Be honest with yourself.
Recognize the successes and challenges and embrace where your life has led you. I encourage you to conduct a life audit, reflect on every aspect of it, and ask a trusted friend to review it.
Are you satisfied with your job or career? Are you satisfied with your relationships? Do you feel your life has meaning? Do you like where you live? Evaluate which areas you are satisfied with and where you can improve. Consider making a detailed list of these aspects and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most satisfying).
2. Practice self-forgiveness.
Let go of guilt and regret by forgiving yourself for past decisions and focusing on the lessons learned. Avoid the trap of thinking that you need to reach a certain point by a certain age. It doesn’t help.
If there are areas in your life that you feel need to change, know that with a little effort you can make the improvements you desire. Not forgiving yourself can lead to resentment and not bring the proper energy to create the natural flow and desired changes in your life.
Forgiving yourself is not simply letting go. It’s about feeling a sense of accomplishment from overcoming past challenges.
3. Prioritize your goals.
Once you have completed your life audit, identify the changes you want to make and focus on the changes that are most important to your growth and well-being. You may not be able to change everything at once, so focus on areas that are manageable. Prioritizing your goals is more than just setting them. It’s about being focused and determined to make changes that lead to a more fulfilling life.
For example, if you want to move and change jobs at the same time, you can do both at the same time. If you’re looking to start something new, you can also hire a coach who focuses on midlife career transitions. Or, if you want to build a solid relationship, work with a therapist to explore your obstacles and gradually become more active in online dating.
If your goal is to improve your physical health, increase your time at the gym. You’ll find, as I did, that the changes you have to make often become more manageable as you progress day by day.
4. Embrace change.
Change is not something to be feared, but welcomed as an opportunity for growth. Making big changes in your life can be scary, but that’s one of the benefits of midlife. Since you have already been through a lot, you will have accumulated enough confidence and courage to further improve your life.
Embracing change is not just about adapting. It’s about feeling empowered to shape your life as you see fit. Change can be scary, but trust me, once you start taking steps toward a more harmonious life, you’ll feel excited about the possibilities.
5. Build a supportive network.
Surround yourself with like-minded people who will encourage and inspire you on your journey. Good friends and a supportive community will be invaluable during this transition period.
Before my 40th birthday, I convened a regular women’s circle at my home in San Francisco. I was surrounded by like-minded women facing challenges who became my trusted brain trust and supportive community.
Don’t be afraid of middle age!
Although midlife is portrayed as a difficult period to be feared, in contrast, it is possible to reflect on one’s life, use life experiences to move on to the next stage of life, and create waves of change. It’s an exciting time.
About Christina Vaux
Christina Vo is a Santa Fe-based writer whose work explores themes such as loss, intergenerational trauma, healing, and the concepts of home and reconciliation. Her second book, My Vietnam, Your Vietnam, is an intergenerational memoir co-written with her father. Christina is also the author of The Veil Between Two Worlds: A Memoir of Silence, Loss, and Finding Home. Find her at christinavo.com or on Instagram @stina_vo.
