“A codependent is someone who is obsessed with controlling another person’s behavior because of how it affects them.” ~Melody Beatty
I felt insecure about myself from an early age. I was a very sensitive child and subsequently struggled with low self-esteem for most of my life.
Although I had many friends and a good family, I was always looking for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that other people’s opinions were the only accurate representation of my core values.
As a teenager, I watched my parents’ marriage fall apart and eventually fall apart. For the last few years, I felt like I was an island.
I was often troubled by dark and mysterious misfortunes. The standard teenage growing pains were compounded by the trauma of losing family identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others. I felt like a failure when it wasn’t offered.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of seeking external confirmation that I was enough.
At school, I played the roles of boys, crazy, funny girls. I wanted to be loved, nurtured, and cherished.
I made a list of all the cute boys in my school and spent hours fantasizing about blissful, fairytale romances.
I consistently focused on seeking happiness outside of myself. Over time, this habitual habit became unsatisfying unless something or someone provided validation. Most of the time I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
This falsely instilled belief led me into a ten year struggle with codependency.
My first codependent relationship started when I was 19 years old. He was 10 years older than me and, unbeknownst to me at the time, was a cocaine addict.
Our daily routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We spent the weekend drinking and gambling at a local pool hall. In many cases, I had used up my entire weekly salary by the end of Saturday night.
He belittled me, called me names, and consistently criticized my appearance and weight. He compared me to his previous girlfriend. I began to see myself as an imperfect human being, one in need of major repairs and upgrades. I was so mentally fragile that if the wind blew, I would collapse.
In a desperate effort to protect myself, I adopted several fear-based behaviors. I fell in love with him. I was controlling and jealous. I needed to know everything about his past. I desperately wanted him to accept me.
During the 10 months we spent together, I ignored my body and mind. I lost a whopping 30 pounds! I was completely cut off from my family and friends. I developed severe anxiety and suffered from severe panic attacks. I knew something had to change, so I gathered the courage to leave him behind.
I thought I had gotten out of this unhealthy and unsatisfying lifestyle, but the bad habits carried over into my next two relationships.
I spent four years with someone I love very much. But his alcoholism brought all my anxiety and controlled behavior back.
We spent four years going back and forth between moments of great love and horrible physical fights that left us numb and depressed.
When this relationship ended, I sought solace in yet another unavailable partner, but that partner was unable to provide me with the stability I so desperately needed.
That’s the nature of codependents. We look for what is familiar, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After logging nearly a decade’s worth of codependency, I finally faced myself. I knew that if I didn’t make some big changes, I would be forever stuck in a life that wasn’t conducive to my spiritual and emotional growth.
I faced the music in a scene eerily similar to the toilet collapse in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love.” I got a small apartment and started my recovery.
The first few days alone were really torture. I cried and cried. It was difficult to perform basic tasks such as walking the dog or shopping for groceries. I turned completely inward and became as confused as my old friend. Anxious and lonely, all I could think about was asking for help.
The first step I took was to order Melody Beatty’s book Codependent No More. This is probably the most important self-help book I’ve ever read. As I read each page, I felt a weight lift.
Finally, I was able to understand all the behaviors, feelings, and emotions that I had struggled with for so long. I’m a textbook case, and my highlighter affirmed that when I completed the “Codependency Checklist.” Perhaps some of these questions apply to you too.
Do you feel responsible for other people – their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, desires, needs, well-being, and destinies? Do you feel the need to help people solve problems or be considerate of their feelings? Do you feel and express anger more easily at injustices done to others than at injustices done to you? Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you give to others? Do you feel anxious or guilty when someone gives you something? Do you feel empty, boring, and worthless when you have no one else to care for, no problems to solve, no crisis to deal with? Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, or worrying about other people and their problems? Do you lose interest in your own life when you fall in love? Do you stay in unsuccessful relationships or tolerate abuse in order to continue to be loved by people? You just leave the bad relationship behind and start a new one, but that doesn’t work either?
(Learn more about the habits and patterns of codependents here.)
After admitting my codependency, I connected with an online support group for families of addicts/alcoholics. This gave me a platform to share my story without judgment and slowly healed my broken heart.
The most important thing I learned on this journey is:
1. Nothing changes without change.
This is a very simple but profound truth. This reminds me of Einstein’s definition of madness. It’s about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The cycle of codependency can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing a super loving relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to be stuck in an unhealthy codependent relationship.
2. We cannot control others, and it is not our job to do so.
For many years, I have always tried to control and micromanage the actions of others in order to escape my own negative emotions.
I chose a partner who was an alcoholic and drug addict. More often than not, I chose men who were angry and evasive. By focusing on what was wrong with them, I was able to ignore what was empty and unfulfilling within me.
I naively thought that this would give me a sense of stability. In fact, it was the opposite. Giving up the need to control others gives you the space you need to connect with yourself.
3. Love and attachment are not the same.
For many years, I mistakenly believed that love and attachment were the same thing. I gave so much of myself to my partner and naively thought this was the path to happiness.
I learned that healthy love requires both partners to have a unique, personal identity outside of the romantic relationship. Whether it’s spending time alone, with friends, or working on personal projects, being together allows you to truly connect without feeling suffocated. By giving ourselves and our partners a little space, we build trust.
For many years I ignored my own needs. I now prioritize personal time for personal activities such as reading, writing, walking, and reflection. Once I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life, I began to heal. One of my favorite things to do is spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light a candle, and listen to Alan Watts lecture.
4. Life is not an emergency.
This is a big deal! I lived in a constant state of high stress, fearing people, abandonment, and life itself.
I was so worried about everything that was out of my control – other people. Now I realize that life is meant to be enjoyed and savored. Good things and bad things happen, but with a centered and balanced mind, you can overcome any obstacle.
For me, the key to balance is accepting life as it is and living every moment to the fullest. Even when I’m feeling down, I know that the universe is supporting me and everything in my life is going well.
If you don’t have this belief, it may be helpful to remember that you have your back and can handle whatever happens. When you trust yourself and focus on yourself and not others, it becomes much easier to enjoy life and you can stop living in fear.
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I have assembled a group of superhero coaches and teachers who have helped me tremendously in my quest for self-improvement over the years. We have received loving support and encouragement from many people. My dream is to be able to give some of that back to the world. I hope this post does just that.
About Ariane Michaud
When she’s not devouring every foreign movie she can get her hands on, Ariane loves cuddling with her pug and racing on a relentless path toward self-actualization. Although she has a very methodical personality, she is a natural when it comes to love.
