You know what it feels like to share good news? That moment when you feel the excitement, thrill, and simple joy of telling someone about your success or breakthrough. Waiting for the other person to react to the good news can dramatically affect how you feel about the good news.
Maybe they made it even better by celebrating with you and supporting you in a truly human way. Or maybe they shut you down and suddenly your news isn’t amazing anymore. Have you ever felt this way when giving someone good news?
The way we react to the good news of others often reflects how we feel about ourselves, as well as our self-awareness and empathy. When you actively engage in someone’s joy, you create a safe space for that person to fully experience positive emotions. By doing so, we can strengthen our connection with mutual support and appreciation.
According to Dr. Shelley Gable, a social interaction and relationships researcher at UCSB, there are four common response styles to good news.
Positive/Constructive: This is the golden response, characterized by genuine enthusiasm, active listening, and a desire to share in the other person’s joy. (That’s great! Tell me more!) Passive-constructive: Well-meaning but lacks enthusiasm, often including general positive remarks. (Hmm, that sounds good.) Passive Destructive: Shifts focus to oneself, potentially through comparison or to distract from feelings of alienation. (Oh, that’s great! I got an even better offer!) Aggressive-Destructive: A completely negative reaction, such as criticism or destructive remarks (Oh, you know…)
Which response style do you identify with?
When I first discovered Dr. Gable’s 2004 study (PDF), I realized that I was unconsciously cycling through all four types of responses in my own interactions. At times, I basked in the joy of others and offered genuine enthusiasm and support. I also sometimes fell into the trap of comparing myself to them or telling my story to show that I understood how they felt. I didn’t mean to be depressed, but now I know it was and I wanted to do better.
I tried to consciously become aware of how I reacted in conversations. I mentally named my reactions, the other person’s emotions, and my own emotions. I then made a conscious choice to shift to a more positive and constructive response. It was wonderful. I felt a deeper connection with that person, and their reaction to my responses clearly showed me that I was on the right track. What’s more, it made me happy. Sharing the joy of others with empathy and support is wonderful and has a lasting impact.
for example:
Let’s say a friend confides in you about a new and challenging promotion. How do you answer? Do you sincerely celebrate their successes, ask probing questions, and reflect on their happiness? Or shift focus to career challenges or wonder if they can handle new challenges? Maybe.
Did you know?
Does it always provide the kind of support you’d want to receive if the shoe were on the opposite foot? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We are all on a journey of growth as we move through this world. Invest in yourself and better relationships.
work on something better
The next time someone shares good news, take a breath, check in with yourself, and consider your response. Are you fully present, actively participating, and empathetic? If not, don’t overreact. It happens, small steps can lead to big changes. For everyone’s sake, take a breath and fine-tune your response. Don’t fake it, be who you really are.
Shifting to more positive, constructive responses is an investment in improving your relationships and well-being. When we celebrate others, we also celebrate ourselves. We foster a positive and supportive environment where everyone feels valued and appreciated.
Sometimes it can be very helpful to reflect on the conversation afterwards to plan what you’ll say next time or think about a heartfelt response the next time you meet. It’s never too late! If you practice it, you can enrich your relationships and find great joy in your life.
