“Expectation is planned resentment.” ~Unknown
Yesterday, I found myself holding back tears as I sat across from my boss and said the words that had been eating away at me for three years. “I feel like I’m not appreciated enough.”
The words felt heavy in my throat. As a law professor, I always prided myself on being calm and professional. But in that moment, all the walls I had carefully built came crashing down.
“I put in the extra time. I coach people. I’m always available when someone needs help,” I continued in a voice barely above a whisper. “But I feel like no one really appreciates it. Like, all this effort goes unnoticed.”
Anyone who has ever been passionate about their work may recognize this feeling.
Maybe you’re a co-worker who always stays late to help others meet deadlines. Perhaps you’re a team member who takes on additional projects without being asked. Or some people remember everyone’s birthdays and organize celebrations within the company.
You keep on giving, hoping that this dedication will somehow translate into the recognition and respect you crave.
The boss was listening quietly with a thoughtful expression on his face. Then he shared two insights that challenged my understanding of professional relationships.
“First,” he said, leaning forward, “it takes time to master any field. But what most people overlook is that it’s not just about acquiring technical skills. No. It’s about mastering your relationship with the work itself.”
I endured it for a while and let it sink in. How much of my frustration stems from actually doing my job versus my expectations of how others will respond to my efforts?
“Second, when we tie our self-confidence to the reactions of others, we end up building our professional home on shifting sands,” he continued.
That was a big shock. I found myself creating elaborate scorecards in my head. An extra hour should equal a certain amount of gratitude. Each additional task must translate into a certain level of respect. When reality didn’t match these expectations, my confidence crumbled.
That’s a trap many of us fall into. We believe that if we work hard enough, stay late enough, and help people enough, recognition will come naturally. When we don’t, we feel betrayed and undervalued and begin to question our worth.
Eventually, we will have to learn how to justify ourselves, but this is where things get subtle and important. This does not mean that we should accept an environment that constantly underestimates or exploits our dedication. There’s a delicate balance between cultivating intrinsic motivation and recognizing that the situation is truly unhealthy.
Let me share what this balance actually looks like. A few months ago, I found myself showing up three hours late every day, responding to work messages in the middle of the night, and constantly taking on other people’s responsibilities. At first, I told myself I was just being dedicated. But then I asked myself three important questions.
1. Is this a pattern of working hard without any recognition, or are you overextending yourself because you’re seeking approval?
2. Will my extra effort be recognized sometimes, if not always?
3. Is it okay to express concerns about workload and boundaries?
The answer helped me distinguish between my constant desire to be valued and my legitimate need for basic professional respect. I realized that I needed to work on my relationship with external judgment, as well as setting clearer boundaries for my time and energy.
That night, I opened my laptop and started writing a different kind of work diary. Instead of tracking other people’s reactions, I wrote down what I was proud of that day. Whether it’s explaining complex concepts clearly, helping people understand difficult topics, or moving difficult projects forward. But I also noted when I exceeded my limits and when the additional effort exceeded reasonable expectations.
This double consciousness – both internal valuation and external respect – changed everything.
I’ve learned to appreciate my efforts while also advocating for myself when needed. I started leaving work at a reasonable time most days, saving extra time for projects that really mattered. I started setting boundaries around my availability, and surprisingly, this earned me more respect instead of less.
Here’s what I learned about finding this balance:
1. Question your expectations. Distinguish between needing constant praise and deserving basic respect.
2. Seek impact, not appreciation. When I did this, I noticed small moments that I had previously overlooked. It could be a quiet nod of understanding during a presentation or a subtle shift in someone’s confidence after an interaction.
3. Build internal metrics. Define success on your own terms, but don’t ignore the red flags in your environment.
4. Set healthy boundaries. Your dedication should not come at the expense of your happiness.
5. Recognize the differences. Recognize when you want recognition and when you feel undervalued.
Most importantly, I learned that true professional satisfaction comes from a combination of internal confidence and external respect. It’s about knowing your worth and ensuring you’re in an environment that at least fundamentally acknowledges it.
Now, when I find myself falling into old patterns—checking for signs of gratitude or feeling resentment over unrecognized efforts—I stop and ask two questions. “Am I doing this because it’s important to me, or am I doing it for recognition?” And equally important, “Is this a reasonable expectation of my time and energy?”
There are still many challenging days ahead. There are still moments when I wish I was more recognized. However, I have found peace in knowing that while I don’t always need to be validated, it’s okay to expect basic respect and appreciation in my professional life. The key is to build enough self-esteem to know when you’re asking for too much recognition and when you’re simply asking to be properly appreciated.
This morning, I came into work with a different kind of energy. I felt confident in my worth, defined my boundaries, and reassured myself that I didn’t need endless praise, but that I deserved to be in an environment where my contributions were recognized. Because true professional growth isn’t about learning to accept what you don’t deserve, it’s about finding the sweet spot between internal and healthy external evaluation.
About Kalyani Abhyankar
Kalyani Abhyankar is a law professor and mindset coach, specializing in administrative law and consumer protection. She is passionate about helping others develop an open-ended mindset and personal growth through her work on LinkedIn and beyond.
