“Success isn’t about what you do. It’s who you are. It just exists. ~Unknown
On my third trip to the emergency room, I lay in a hospital bed, 10 weeks of pregnancy and 9 kilograms lighter. That day, I vomited for 47 hours. My body felt empty, but the nausea never stopped. IV dripped liquid into his arm and swallowed nothing for the next 5 days.
Overpregnancy – Rare and severe conditions affecting about 1% of pregnancy usually subside for 12 weeks. For me, it continued my whole pregnancy.
For 15 years, I measured my worth. If I exercised, ate well, showed up for friends and family, worked hard, I was able to sleep knowing I was a good person. That was my framework. My safety net.
Now I couldn’t do that. I was barely able to move.
And for the first time in my life, I asked myself: If I can’t do anything, who am I?
6 months of pregnancy, living in survival mode – celebrating being a good person to meet the single requirement of my homemade checklist – I hated the person who became me.
The framework that put me together (until I didn’t)
For years, my sense of value was built on a framework. I carefully built myself to keep myself on the right path. If I could check all the boxes, I was able to sleep knowing I was enough. It gave me a way to measure structure, a sense of control, and whether I lived in someone I believed I should be.
This checklist was my identity. It was that I knew who I was and that I was fine.
At first, this framework was very useful to me. When I left the school structure, this checklist gave me direction.
It focused on discipline, motivating me and self-improvement. But underneath it was the fear that if I didn’t check every box, I would somehow fail to be a good person.
The voice in my head was not encouraging. The demand was strict. When I slowed down, I felt like I was slipping. No matter how much I did it, there was always something to prove. Nothing was enough, fast enough, or impressive.
The framework then collapsed when Hyperemesis stripped me into a barely functional shell. I hadn’t appeared to anyone. I had achieved nothing. And without those measures of success, I felt like I had lost myself. My identity. My sense of value. If my value was always something I had to acquire, what happened when I no longer got it?
That’s when I noticed a flaw in my system. It was built on conditional self-worth. As long as I was catching up, I was safe. But the moment life was forced to stop me, the framework didn’t hold me – it crushed me. Life only gets more complicated for kids, and I didn’t want it to feel this intense forever. More than that, I didn’t want them to inherit this checklist as a way of life.
Reconstruction from the bottom up: Changes in perspective
Hitting the bottom of a rock is an incredible gift. At places too low, you have a chance to rebuild in a simpler, more consistent way.
The framework is useful. Until it becomes a cage. When discipline is promoted by fear, it runs out of us. True growth comes not from relentless self-monitoring, but from knowing that you are already sufficient. It comes from showing up, doing your best, and trusting yourself enough.
Speaking to a psychologist, it became clear. A checklist that once gave me security became a restrictive system that hinders me.
I have decided to trust extensive research that involves self-compassion and that promotes success and happiness by growing success and happiness, reducing stress, and helping us become more people.
The hard part was learning to believe it. Not only in my head, but in my intestines. That kind of shift requires time, patience and stable mindfulness.
Do things out of joy, not obligation
As I was running it was a fierce determination to get to the finish. Quick. And it was never fast. I did not use a social fitness tracker. Because I’ve never done it before and was perfect enough to express someone I thought I should.
My mind was blown away when I survived my pregnancy and moved from a place of self-judgment to self-compassion, and started exercising again.
The voice in my head came from a place of kindness and understanding and love. If I press another rap, my thoughts will wander around words of encouragement. “Okay, I’ll do another rap, but I’ll stop if necessary. You’ve already come all the way!” I felt totally grateful.
The rules I followed for years did not go away. They transformed from needs to desires – and never was a must.
I still love moving my body, but I want to do it.
I still care about the people around me, but I’m not sacrificing myself.
What once felt like obligation has become an absolute joy. And the best part? If I don’t do those things, it won’t affect me. I either let it go without thinking, or I learn by reflecting it from my actions. No judgment.
You’re always enough
Your worth is not a testimony – your existence is enough.
There is no need to take a crisis to make this happen. Checklists, measurements, self-checks, and the unforgiving need to keep up. They are never the right one for you. Giving up that weight doesn’t mean losing yourself. It means releasing yourself.
I start to notice the voice in my head. Does it drive you out of fear or is it leading you to kindness? Self-compassion is not about doing less, not criticizing, but about doing things from a place of kindness. You can still strive, grow and appear, but now it’s not because you have to, but because you want it. And it changes everything.
Shift the script. You don’t need to do more. It doesn’t have to be any more. You are already enough – always.
About Alex Russell
Alex Russell is the mother of two young girls under the age of four, and her wife is an incredibly supportive husband. Starting with a career in communications and later a financial guru, she works on corporate strategy and operations with the goal of promoting collaboration and driving positive outcomes. She constantly strives to inspire others through kindness and self-compassion.
