The truth about why I made people ghosts (and what I learned)

“Ghosts are cruel because people deny opportunities for people to handle, ask questions, or be closed. It’s an emotional abandonment and pretend to be protected.” ~dr. Jennis Wilhauer

I don’t go out to ghost anyone.

In fact, I hated Ghost with the fiery rage of 1000 unread dating app notifications. I told myself I would never be that person. That means you will disappear halfway through, reply after a good date (or send a very bland thank you message), or just like a quietly breaded crumb trail, it won’t disappear anywhere.

Still… I’m here. I’m writing a post about how I made people ghosts.

Not because I’m proud of it. It’s not because I think it’s defensible. But because I came to understand why I did it and what it says about culture, emotional patterns, and my own very human flaws.

So have you ever been ghosted and wondering what’s going on in other people’s minds?

Because all the silence is a story.

Patterns primed by the past

Let’s start now. I didn’t start my sarcasm dating journey. I started like many people – hopeful, curious, big eyes.

But after being caught up in people who ghosted themselves, misunderstood, and said the right thing, but none of them meant, my hopes began to erode. Slowly, subtle, as if the stone had become smoothed out by constant friction.

Over time, the pattern looked like this:

Matches promising people. Exchange interesting and thoughtful messages. Maybe I’ll go one or two dates. Then suddenly… nothing. silence. Flat line.

It was not always dramatic. Sometimes the conversation just faded. Otherwise, it was sudden. I convert halfway through and become -boom-gone. There is no explanation or closure. Another digital ghost in the machine.

And I knew intellectually that this was “part of online dating,” but it still landed. It prepared me to expect disappointment. Approaching each new match with quiet fear, not optimism.

Finally, I began to think:

What is the point? They’ll probably flake anyway.

Ghost as a defensive mechanism

So where will my ghost come?

It was a bit odd at first. Maybe I’ll take a little longer to reply. Or I’m silent to someone who looked nice but didn’t feel the spark right away.

I say to myself:

“I don’t owe them anything.” “They probably don’t care.” “It’s better to fade than force them.”

But the truth is that my ghosts were not about them. It was about me.

It reflected the fear of disappointing someone, the lack of emotional bandwidth to describe myself, and kicking kicks when I felt something familiar.

I’ve been ghosted many times, so I began to release preemptively before anyone could do it to me.

If you leave first, at least you are not the one left.

This is incorrect logic, but if conditioned by repeated negative experiences, it will start defaulting to protection over the connection. And ghosts (silent and sudden) are the ultimate form of emotional self-preservation.

Profile Scrolling Irony

Online dating is like a mental roller coaster of judgment, hope, disappointment and the occasional serotonin spikes when you have a dog and know how to use punctuation marks.

But over time I realized something about how I was involved in my profile.

I was not favorable – I was critical. I was not open – I was supported for the disappointment. Rather than connecting, I read the BIOS looking for reasons for note engagement.

Somewhere along the line, the dating app stopped exciting and even when I was rejecting it started to feel like a parade of micro rejection.

I became a sarcasm in a world that rewards separation. I looked at the profile and thought:

“This guy probably lives with or is married to his ex.”

“He looks like a player and lacks authenticity.

“He’s definitely not looking for anything serious,” but will tell me that he still wants attention and the ego boost that comes with it. ”

And even if someone seemed really kind, I think: what is the catch?

That way of thinking doesn’t just hurt others. It corrodes your existence, your ability to be vulnerable or sincere.

Ghost as evasion, not malicious

Here’s what I realized through self-reflection and some red wines, some too many red wines, while watching the rerun of “Love at first sight.” Ghosts are not cruel. That’s about avoidance.

Ghost feels easier than

A nasty reply creating a rejection message sitting in the displeasure of someone else’s disappointment, and worse, arguing

It’s fast. It’s beautiful. It’s also emotionally lazy.

However, if your emotional reserves are low, ghosts can feel like the only viable exit strategy, especially when it is due to repeated rejection, indifference, or burnout.

It doesn’t make it right. But it makes it understand.

And not because people don’t care, but because they are overwhelmed by the possibility that they care and don’t know what to do with it.

Ghost Cycle

When ghosts become the norm, we all lose. It creates the following culture:

We dehumanize those who speak. We have a second time self-worth. We fear emotional exposure. We settle for a half-hearted connection because we don’t think a real connection will continue.

It breeds mutual mistrust and, ironically, makes ghosting more possible.

I started to see it like a self-perpetuating loop:

Become a ghost

Still, I realized something else. If you wanted to break the loop, someone had to go first.

What I’ve learned (that might help you too)

This is what has changed for me over time:

1. Avoidance does not spare emotions. It’s just an uncomfortable feeling.

It’s annoying to tell someone that you don’t feel connected. But they don’t leave them confused and perhaps even hurt. And it leaves you carrying emotional confusion.

2. Emotional boundaries are not the same as emotional withdrawal.

It’s okay not to continue the conversation. It’s okay to finish things after a date. But doing so with clarity and kindness (even a single line) is far more respectful than silence.

3. Ghosts devalue human connections, even in small ways.

When you ghost someone, you subtly reinforce the idea that people are disposable. And in doing so, you will cut down on your sense of connection.

4. Cynicism protects, but also prevents it.

Expecting the worst can be a shield, but it also blocks good. Even after a broken heart, being open, curious and kind is what you can do.

What I’m trying to do now

Recently, I have approached online dating differently. It’s not perfect. But more intentional.

If I’m not interested, I would say something like this:

“Thank you for the chat. I don’t think this is a match, but please!”

Simple. Kind. closure. end.

And if I’m overwhelmed and don’t have the bandwidth to connect to, I’ll pause. I’ll take a break. I have no obligation to continue the conversation, even just for dopamine.

Because, honestly and respectfully, even online, they feel much better than the prolonged guilt of another message.

Final Thoughts: Always more honest and authentic than avoidance

Ghosts may be common, but it is not benign. And while I did it (multiple times), I learned it often reflects internal burnout, fear, or sarcasm.

But we can do better. You can date better.

Not perfect, but by realizing it. By choosing clarity over comfort. By remembering that every profile we swipe is a real person with a heart worthy of hope, fear and kindness. Ultimately, we are looking for a sense of love, gratitude, and connection.

So, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ghosted. Not just for silence, but also for assuming you don’t care. To use peeling as protection. To forget about the human race behind the screen.

And for those who are struggling with the nasty world of online dating, you are not alone. And you’re not broken. You are just trying to find something realistic in a world where you often reward pretenses and external validation.

Keep showing up. Please be honest. Keep on being you.

Even when it’s annoying.

Even when it’s scary.

Especially at that time.