“I can respect those who can put their ego aside and say, ‘I made a mistake, I apologize, I am correcting my actions.’ ” ~Sylvester McNutt
I remember being a teenager when I went through this horrifying breakup. I had never had a broken heart before and the pain was unbearable and had impacted many areas of my life. For years I have accused him of not appreciating the end of our relationship and my love.
My friends said that was his loss and I was much better. I nursing that division more than necessary. I never took on my role in breakups and only blamed him for the type of person I became.
A few years later, I realized that I had fallen into a common trap of the victim mentality we experience at some point in our lives. To be honest, I think I felt like a victim until I was almost 40 years old.
I was young, and I had to go through all of sadness, betrayal, disappointment. Part of what happened that he slowly heals over the years, especially if you don’t admit that “Yes, I played”, because it always takes time, so it’s part of how it made me feel. ”
It’s a radical responsibility. Radical responsibility theorizes that we are 100% responsible for our lives, emotions and personal growth depending on the event.
This can be misconceptioned as exempt others from liability for their actions. However, holding others accountable for your actions is another important process. Radical responsibility focuses on our own internal reactions and choices, while acknowledging the actions of others. When we accept our role in what happened rather than just criticizing others, it is a sign of personal growth.
For example, rather than responding defensively immediately in a conflict, you could pause to examine contributions to the situation. Did I misunderstand? Did you respond impulsively? Did I ruin it?
Understanding our role will enable us to resolve conflicts more effectively and constructively. In a relationship, radical responsibility encourages us to take ownership of our needs and boundaries, communicate them clearly, and address challenges with self-awareness and compassion rather than assigning condemnation.
By embracing radical responsibility, you begin to understand valuable lessons that can be learned from even the most difficult experiences. For my ego it was very challenging to admit that I was wrong many times and that it wasn’t always a flaw for others.
Experience the dark stages of life is necessary to grow and learn that there is more in every story. It’s easy to blame others for everything that doesn’t work out in your life, and it happens in all relationships, whether it’s family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers. I know what I did and still do, so some of us play more people than others. I have to always remember that I am not an innocent bystander with no words or control in situations.
It’s easier to blam others (“She’s terrible”, “Why am I?”) than to look into my own role in the situation. It takes courage to acknowledge past actions, such as tolerating abuse to maintain recognition, staying silent from fear, or prioritizing social acceptance for self-expression.
That doesn’t mean that everyone is there to win you. Every time you get injured, it’s just your fault, but when something happens, we play a big role in what we are doing and feeling.
For decades, I saw myself as a victim. Because when something went wrong in my life, I always told myself it was someone else’s fault. I didn’t want to admit that I played a role in this either. At first, it was not easy to look into my past situation and acknowledge my role. It was painful to admit to myself that I had made those mistakes and decisions, as it was always easy to blame others and find flaws in anyone but myself.
My graduate school experience was a prime example. My boyfriend at the time wanted me, so I told myself I went there. I framed him as an action that controlled me back and forth between classes, focusing on constant demands of contact.
But the truth was that no matter how painful it was to admit it, I chose that school. I isolated myself from my classmates because that was what he wanted. He didn’t force me to do anything or do anything. They were my decisions and were made in desperate attempts to save a relationship I feared to lose and avoid conflict.
Accepting this truth and recognizing my role in creating my misfortune has been a long and difficult process.
At first, I found this self-examination to be difficult. But the more I analyzed my role in these situations, the more empowered I learned how much control I have in what I do and how much I move forward.
Reflecting my role in past situations provided valuable lessons to navigate future challenges. Recognizing my responsibility has provided a sense of freedom and a deeper understanding of my humanity despite the external circumstances. I had been under this burden for decades, so I felt this sense of freedom and relief.
I know myself more because I called myself about my choices because of my fears and anxiety. Other people may have influenced my decisions. In the end, I did it.
I knew I was growing up when I was able to admit my mistakes in front of others.
Accepting radical responsibility does not mean that others will not try to influence you. That means you are responsible for your response. Extreme responsibility is a conscious act of personal freedom that chooses to look at yourself rather than always point your finger at others.
Accepting radical responsibility is a journey of self-discovery, allowing us to increase our awareness and resilience and navigate life’s challenges. By acknowledging our role in shaping our experiences, we move beyond the limits of our victims and develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and our relationships. This journey will help promote self-awareness, improve communication and ultimately create a more fulfilling and authentic life.
(It is important to acknowledge that radical liability does not apply in the case of abuse, assault, or trauma, where individuals are not responsible for the actions taken against them. These traumas Survivors of experience may experience complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and repentance. Clear emotional responses that require special support and understanding.)
About Anjana Rajbhandary
Anjana Rajbhandary is a teacher at Ayurvedic Health and a certified mental health professional with a passion for overall health. When she isn’t writing or teaching, she can explore new cultures, enjoy live music, and spend quality time with her beloved rescue puppy, Sloan. Visit her on Anjyrajy.com, Medium and Instagram.
