“To set boundaries boldly is to have the courage to love yourself, even if you risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown
I believed it was my duty to intervene if someone was in trouble and I had the ability to help. Even though I managed caregiving responsibility for my family, I didn’t hesitate to say yes to whether I would protect my friends’ calls for crisis or step up at work when no one else was around. To me, support seemed to be a measure of “good people.”
But what I didn’t realize is that many of us confuse duties with liability.
We feel that obligations belong in nature to us, regardless of choice. Responsibility feels like we take it voluntarily. Sometimes for what we believe we expect and for being certain that others belong to us. The distinction between the two is subtle, but the effects of misunderstandings are profound.
The truth is, we teach early that helping others is the right thing to do. And, especially for women, the world emphasizes that stepping up for others is what defines us as strong, capable and valuable. That’s why I did it. I said yes to almost every pull of my time, energy, and peace. Until my body stopped me.
Wake-up call: The day my body stopped me
You don’t understand how much you gave, how much you carried, until your body asks you to stop.
For me, that wake-up call came in the form of an ulcer. At the time, I couldn’t guess why my body had failed me. I eat healthy, exercised, and lived a generally balanced lifestyle.
But what I didn’t notice is that many of us haven’t seen, ulcers, burnout and other stress-related conditions don’t come from what we eat. They come from what is eating us.
It was all the pulls of my time and spirit that was eating me quietly. I was allowing me to continue as I was unable to recognize the damage and offer an accented no. He is a caregiving, crisis management, and problem-solving problem-solvers. These were things that slowly consumed me as I told them to pause, ignoring the whispers of my body and mind.
The ulcers were not just physical issues, they were wake-up calls. It forced me to confront my weight of Jesus and how they came at the cost of my peace and happiness.
The Power of Pause: How I Learned to Reevaluate My Yes
Healing took time, but it wasn’t just about physical recovery. It was restructuring my habits and, more importantly, my way of thinking.
I began to realize that all the energy that attracted my energy, the pain signals of friends, the need to care for my family, and even the opportunities at work — aren’t necessarily answerable. I had to stop operating with autopilot and start responding with consciousness. I called this practice a pause.
Before giving Jesus, I learned to pause and ask myself:
Is this really mine? Will this be spent on me on time, energy and peace? Yes, what motivates you to say yes to your obligation or sincere desire to help?
The pause gave me clarity. Sometimes the answer was clear:
“I’ll think about it and let you know.” “I can help with this part, but I can’t take on the rest.” “No, I can’t. You should ask around to find someone else.”
The pause also forced me to confront a pattern I ignored. They blended in too much to avoid discomfort, or not. Every time I paused, I learned something new about why I was saying yes, and each answer helped me protect my energy more thoughtfully.
Expectation Involvement: How Social Conditioning Shapes Our Yes
One of the most difficult parts of reevaluating my Jesus was facing the power of social expectations.
Helping others is often framed as the ultimate virtue. It’s about “good people” stepping up, solving problems and making sacrifices when others can’t or don’t. For women, this idea takes on even more sharp edges. We were taught that caregiving and emotional labor naturally comes to us.
The world celebrates women who “do it all.”
As I looked back at the constant Jesus, I realized how much of this cultural message internalized.
I was thinking about my young self and watching the women of my life spread themselves without pausing. My mother, my grandmother, my mentor. They juggled caregiving, work and family without asking if it was sustainable. I came up with messages that were absorbed as a child.
These beliefs shaped how I approached all my questions. It wasn’t guilt that drew me to “yes.” These expectations were the weight and were passed down for generations.
But here is what I’ve learned: these expectations may shape us, but they don’t have to define us. Balance is not selfish. It is necessary. Redefine responsibility is not about rejecting others, but about making sure that the cycle of overexpansion stops with us.
Reevaluation and Reconnection: How Thoughtful Changed Everything
Pausing didn’t help me physically recover, but most importantly reconnected me.
By being intentional about my yes, I was able to fully show up for the people I love, without losing myself in the process. Instead of saying yes to everything, I began to say yes to things that were consistent with my values, respecting my peace, and making my energy sustainable.
Thoughtful yes gave me something I hadn’t had in years – balance. And that balance has created clarity, purpose and freedom. I let go of an obligation that wasn’t really mine, found strength by saying no, and started living in a way that felt like it was real rather than automatic.
It wasn’t just my time and energy that changed.
Close Reflection: Unique litmus test for balance
If you’ve ever felt “yes” without pausing, then I would like to encourage you to stop – just a little bit. Ask yourself:
Is this really mine? Does saying yes cost me? What is the motivation for this choice, and does it coincide with what I value most?
It is often said that saying yes is the ultimate virtue. But the truth is, balance is a measure of alignment. It’s not about doing everything. It’s about doing something that really helps both who you are and what the situation needs.
Every time you pause, you ask all the most important questions: Does this honor the person I am? And from that space of clarity, your yes – when you give it, Becom is not just an answer, but a gift.
About Carol Stokes
Carol L. Stokes is a life coach who helps women over the age of 50 navigate caregiving, boundaries and personal transformation. Her mission, which the former lawyer directed her coach, is for women to create balance, rediscover themselves, and empower them to suit their values. You can connect with her at https://www.carollstokes.com and LinkedIn.
