“Doing the trigger is not healing. Healing can trigger, allowing you to move pain, patterns, stories and walk towards another end.” ~ Vienna Farrahon
I thought I understood that.
For a year, I was doing “inner work.” I did daily meditation, breathing work practice, journaling and yoga. I was reading all the books. I was deciphering so many actions that it didn’t help me. My self-awareness was through the roof. I struck a deep, deep place in meditation that I read in spiritual texts. I met my soul.
I dumped my life into a necessity. There was no coffee, alcohol, meat, or any distractions. My morning routine was bulletproof: read diary, spiritual texts, yoga and breathtaking, meditate.
I kept my distance from many people. I invested the boundaries in some of the people closest to me because they “didn’t understand.” I spent mostly in nature, alone, with so much tranquility and presence. I finally found peace. Or at least I thought I had it.
And then I went to a quiet hideaway in Bali.
I flew the world, ready to spend 11 days completely silenced, completely immersed in my inner world. I thought it would deepen my peace and open me to God’s inspiration and solidify all the healing I have done.
I never thought it was about to open me up.
For the first three days I was in heaven. I was more present than I ever had. The sound of the river, the sense of the wind in my skin – it made me drunk. I felt like I could stay there forever. It felt like I was at home both internally and externally.
But on the fourth day everything is open wide.
Suddenly, the emotions I thought were soothed – what I had been working for months ended up flooding like a wave of tide. It all started with a comparison. Compare yourself with others on the retreat. Compare my body, flexibility, skin and beauty in yoga classes.
I was very confused – I was aware that I knew this was “not good.” I was conscious to realize that this is the default for all these old thoughts and actions.
My heart began to fight against itself. And I quickly got into the “worst” actions I thought had healed: judgement. Other people’s judgments and my judgments.
What was going on? Have I not done this job already? Why did I come back here again?
More and more emotions began to appear. I once again felt unworthy, as if I wasn’t doing enough work on my own. Thus, last year was wasted, everything was wrong. Just as I misunderstood the challenge.
And that’s when it hit me: I was mistaken for solace.
A few months before the silent retreat, I was surrounded by solitude like a safety blanket. I was avoiding what caused me. That, people, people, even certain ideas. I created boundaries not just in others, but in life itself.
I was peaceful…but I was not alive.
So far, I have gone to loneliness and tranquility. It separates life from what made it meaningful. Really, when I found another version of control, I fooled myself thinking I had found peace.
But control is not soothing. It’s another way to try to feel safe.
After all, I was not in peace – I was chasing again. And this time I was chasing enlightenment. It looked different to my old pursuits – more noble and more spiritual, but it was still chased. And, to be honest (and selfishly), I have reached enlightenment. I know what I did. I have reached samadhi, consciousness, pure bliss. But then I began chasing that state and tried to make sure I was in it all the time. And the only way I could stay with it was to be alone.
That’s where control comes out. I thought I had given up on the need for control. I thought I was free. And in a way, I was. But in other ways, I was meticulous with every detail of my life, making sure I could always remain in that state of bliss. Control woven its tentacles into my spiritual practice, so I didn’t even understand it.
I had to be as isolated as possible to maintain my peace. I was sure this was my purpose. This was my best path.
But it also made life so much…sorry. Yes, it was peace. But suddenly I realized I had missed out on my friendship. I was lonely because I didn’t have a family. I missed all the people who caused one from me.
Because in complete silence and loneliness, I saw the truth – what is life related to something or someone.
The truth is that true peace is not seen in avoiding life. It is seen in moving it. It is discovered the moment we feel everything, when we get hurt, when we love, when we ruin, when we ruin, when we forgive.
That’s life. That’s soothing.
And show me – it took complete silence to show me it.
On the second day at the retreat, I sat by the river and saw a leaf fall into the water. Beautiful large leaves that look very thick and robust, very durable. Now he swept it, pushed it under the rock, pulled it up, flipped it, tore it over and ripped the edge of the twig that had stayed at the riverbed.
But here it is – whatever the leaves kept moving. It was stuck at times, but somehow it’s a little bit more broken and damaged, but still moving.
And so are us.
No matter how much life twists us, and how many emotions hit us like waves, we are meant to flow with it rather than run away from it. Don’t avoid that.
Silence taught me about true peace
1. Loneliness is not a destination, it is a tool.
Time alone is precious, but true healing occurs in relationships. People, with challenges, and the messiness of life.
2. Emotions are gifts, not burdens.
I thought I reached enlightenment by avoiding pain, but true peace comes from feeling joy, sadness, frustration, love, and all that.
3. You cannot control the path to peace.
I thought that if I kept my environment “pure” I could protect a sense of calm. But life is not about control. It’s about trust.
Even when it hurts, it flows with life. The leaves of the river reminded me.
Yes, silence is important. Loneliness is powerful. But work? The actual work is there. With the messy, beautiful, heartbreaking, soul-blowing experience of being human.
And that is the lesson I carried with me. Not when you finally open your mouth and speak again, but in every moment of life that follows.
About Sarah Mitic
Sarah Mitici helps people reunite themselves and overcome life challenges with clearer, more peace and self-confidence. As the founder of gratitude and growth, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset and emotional resilience. Find out more at GratituityGrowth.com.
