“Being free is not that easy in reality.” ~Unknown
I have always been an accomplisher. I worked so hard to achieve my goals. I’m good at school and then I ended up doing good work and making good money. My colleagues appreciated my clear views on goals, my ability to break down big tasks into parts that can be tackled, and cast them all as individual issues that can be solved. I was hardworking, hardworking and trustworthy. Employer’s dream employee.
At the same time, I always had a desire to be “free.” Not from the outer constraints, not from the inner constraints, but from the infected episodes, difficult emotions, painful experiences. When you put it that way, it sounds awfully naive, but I think it would hope to live “happily” at some point in the future.
And I wanted to work hard to achieve that too.
Hindsight makes it clear how it fails. But working hard was one of the things I knew how to do it, so I applied it to everything: wishes for happiness, wishes for inner freedom.
I tried a lot of things and ended up connecting with Buddhism. I think what appealed to me was a clear overview of happiness, methods and ways in which goals were explained, enlightenment, awakening, and paths to achieving ultimate inner freedom. So I learned how to do it and started applying myself to them.
With my scattered mind, I sat down trying to catch my breath. With my knee hurt, I sat for hours and repeated mantras, counted the number of repetitions “entered” and advanced towards a numerical target of 100,000 repetitions of various things. It took years.
I think my wife has noticed before me that there is something unhealthy about my approach. She pointed out how she came down the stairs with a “forced smile” after a long meditation session. She tried to encourage me to “live.” That wasn’t good. I didn’t listen.
The more I tried to tackle it, the more annoyed me. Like a mental calm, I didn’t long for the progress I longed for, so I thought the solution was clear: I had to work harder. Spend more time and reduce other activities even more. My wife called it.
Ironically, I have more and more detached myself from life to feel more alive. I have sought to achieve inner freedom by applying the same habitual patterns that govern my life.
I once saw a postcard with a picture of a parrot walking from its birdcage while wearing a small helmet-like birdcage around its head. The words on the card said, “Being free is not really that easy.” I think it’s a very good summary of how I was trapped while trying to be free.
When my tenacious efforts threatened my marriage, I sought help from the therapist, and that’s when things started to change.
I realized the pattern I was caught. I felt a narrow mindset with the feeling that I had to achieve something big. My implicit wish is that one day someone will tap me on my shoulder and say “well done.” Rejection of life in the name of abstract goals – in my case the goal of truly wanting to live.
It’s not like the change happened overnight, but there was this one therapy session and I was able to feel the inner truth, a sense of awareness that it just existed. It felt real and true. And that was my compass and since then my guide light.
What surprised me most is that over the years I hadn’t seen anything obvious. I mean I applied habitual patterns of striving for ambition and goal-oriented meditation to find inner freedom. Why didn’t I see it?
Frankly, I think it’s like fish or water. It’s a joke when an old fish meets two young fish and asks, “How about the water today?” And you don’t even notice because it’s so integral part of your living experience, so you don’t even notice.
After that recognition, I think this process is step-by-step and I think it’s ongoing. The important thing is that I recognize that I am working hard and striving right now. I’ve been in touch with the emotional tone that comes with it and gradually learned to take it as a warning sign. Whenever I feel the narrowness of wanting to achieve, I now pause to see if I’m digging myself into the hole again.
As a result, there is a sense of acceptance now that WillPower accepts that it cannot achieve some things. The feeling of being alive is not something you can work for. In fact, I think it’s the opposite today. The way to feel alive is to relax in the reality of the moment, over and over again. It’s something pleasant and uncomfortable in all circumstances, and you’re acknowledging yourself what’s really there. It breathes in pain and cherishes the joyful moments. I value the people in my life.
In short, I gave up on my “big goals.” I still meditate every day, but now I’m doing it differently. I always try to work with something that is really there at that particular moment. One day, breathe quietly inhale, work with emotion on the other day, and on the third day, formulate a wish for happiness. There are so many options.
If any of these are ringing the bells and you feel like you are trying to live a meaningful life, here are some lessons I have drawn from my experiences.
1. Choose the direction, not the destination.
For me, owning my life is a cornerstone. Grab the handle and decide your priorities rather than simply living according to externally provided scripts. So I stand up to the original purpose of living with inner freedom perfectly.
In fact, if you don’t yet have a clear sense of what you want for your life, I highly recommend taking a little time to explore that question for yourself. There is a great way to do this. A reflective prompt or journal exercise that will help you imagine your ideal future.
I realized that most importantly, the direction I gave in my life. Not to mention the timeline to achieve that, not so specific results. Achieved goals have their positions regarding the outside world, such as education and working towards where you live, but with regard to the inner process, I am sure you cannot force things. At the same time, my orientation in the current situation is deeply important and makes all the difference.
2. Be patient and be kind to yourself.
This is a difficult part for accomplishers like me. My habitual disposition wants to measure progress. So, after realising the dead end, I steered myself with a goal-oriented approach to meditation, but it was an ongoing challenge. The creatures of my habit want to be “good at it” to achieve.
This process continues to be a process that has come to know that whenever it notices it will learn to actively soften it. One useful exercise is adjusting it to the tone of my inner voice. It’s a reminder to let go of your goals and relax. How friendly or Hirsch does it sound? And if it’s quite impatient, can I alleviate it too?
Rather than suddenly chasing some goals, I really explore what’s in myself, discovering and cultivating a friendly attitude every day.
3. Connect to the inner compass.
I am a reasonable person and I often insist on spelling out the reasons for my decision. As long as things are there, I think it’s useful, despite the tendency to overdo it from time to time.
At the same time, I believe I have a “inner compass.” This is something I discovered during the treatment session and find it difficult to put words in. It’s a sense of whether something feels right or not.
I still appreciate this feeling as invaluable, despite my inability to explain it well. This internal compass is my most important guideline principle regarding the “inner” topic. It’s about whether something feels healthy or not.
This compass allows you to remain true to yourself regardless of the circumstances, even if you can’t explain it.
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For me, the results of applying these principles are wonderful. I don’t think I’ll be enlightened anytime soon, but the good thing is that I’m happier than I ever had.
About Mark Schrader
Mark is a longtime software engineer and meditator who is trying to lead a meaningful life. Together with his wife, a licensed psychiatric nurse, he created an app mindfulness app that provides mindfulness practices that can be applied to everyday life. Download now for iPhone and Android from www.mindfulness-to-go.com/en/get-the-app. As a Tiny Buddha reader, you can get your first month free by entering the code “Tinybuddha”.
