Have you ever wondered why you seem to be sabotaging your own success? Maybe it was a job interview, maybe it was a relationship. Maybe you couldn’t start the project because you weren’t ready.
you are not alone. Let me tell you about my friend Julia. Julia called me, excited and skeptical. She successfully interviewed for the position of senior vice president at a major biotech company. This was huge. Julia has been one of my go-to marketing people for over 10 years. She has received numerous awards and nominations from some of the most respected people in the field.
But while we were chatting, I wasn’t feeling her excitement. She was suffering from self-doubt. “I don’t think I can do that,” she told me. “What if I fail? What if I have too much time on my hands and no time to spend with friends and family? What if I’m not as good as people think I am?”
Her recommendations and good track record didn’t matter now, and she didn’t think that getting an interview was an accomplishment in itself. Julia’s inner critic was running the show. And because of that, she couldn’t even imagine that she could take the next step.
Recognize self-sabotage
I’ve seen this before in others and myself. This is called self-sabotage. Sometimes we undermine our own progress because deep down we are afraid of failing, succeeding, or facing the unknown.
For Julia, this manifested in procrastinating preparing for interviews and overburdening herself with small tasks at work. She would rather take out the trash than think about the interview. She became fixated on everything that was going wrong and soon began to believe that she was unqualified. Even if the facts tell a different story.
Self-destruction is a vile monster. It may be hiding behind actions such as:
Procrastination: Postponing the most important things. Overwork: Filling your time with unimportant busy work to avoid important things. Negative self-talk: Telling yourself or anyone who will listen to you that you are not good enough. Workarounds: Hiding, not answering the phone, avoiding feedback, preparation, and potentially helpful conversations.
This kind of behavior often feels like it’s protecting you, but it’s actually just a way to keep you from getting stuck.
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
In Julia’s case, self-destruction stemmed from deep-seated fears. We talked about some of them together and they may sound familiar:
Fear of Failure: “If I take this job and fail, I’ll never recover.” Fear of Success: “What if this role takes over my life and ruins my relationships?” Imposter Syndrome: “I’ve just been lucky.” So far. I’m really not cut out for this. ”
you know what? Fear is not a fact. These are the stories we tell ourselves to stay still, and that can sometimes make us feel safe or comfortable. But comfort can come at a cost if it prevents us from reaching what we really want.
Help Julia rebuild
Julia and I sat down together and worked together to reframe her limiting beliefs into more supportive ones. It wasn’t about pretending she wasn’t scared, it was about seeing her fear in a new light.
Here are some ways we went about this, so it might be helpful for you to try it too.
Challenging the Inner Critic First, we named and questioned her fears.
*Fear:* “I’m not ready for this.”
*Reframe:* “I’ve built a career of over 10 years, won awards, and built a reputation through hard work. That’s why I have great recommendations. If I wasn’t ready… , they wouldn’t have invited me.”
Shifting from fear to possibility I asked her what it would be like to imagine success instead of failure.
*Fear:* “This job will ruin my relationships.”
*Reframing:* “Yes, it may be hectic at first, but setting realistic boundaries will help you succeed and nurture your relationships.”
Focus on Growth We talked about how all leaders have to start somewhere.
*Fear:* “I have never risen to the VP level before.”
*Reframe:* “My previous roles have supported my ability to do my job. I have proven that I can grow and learn at every stage of my career. I have some wonderful friends who have offered to do so.”
take a small step
Once Julia started changing her mindset, she created a plan to move forward one small step at a time.
Get support
Julia reached out to friends and mentors who believed in her. They reminded her of her strengths and gave her practical advice for interviews.
chunk it down
Rather than viewing the interview as one huge, overwhelming task, she broke it down into smaller parts: researching the company and her soon-to-be coworkers, preparing her answers, and practicing with a friend.
practice self-compassion
Since Julia was already practicing mindfulness, we focused on self-compassion work to quiet her inner critic. She repeated this for a few minutes every morning. I’m ready. ”
celebrate small victories
We decided to celebrate every little step she took. Whether it was finishing a practice session or simply competing for herself, these small wins helped keep her motivated.
So. what happened?
When Julia went into the interview, her fear wasn’t completely gone, but it no longer controlled her. She told me later that she was still nervous but felt ready. She got the job done and wasn’t going to be dragged down by suspicion.
More than just a career opportunity, this job was an opportunity for Julia to face her fears and trust in her ability to grow. And even if she didn’t understand it, she knew that this experience had already changed the way she saw herself.
A reminder to all of us
Julia’s story is a reminder that self-destruction is not the end of the road. It’s just a signal, a signal that something inside us needs attention, consideration, and maybe a little overhaul.
If you find yourself hesitating or avoiding something important, stop and ask:
What am I afraid of? Is this fear based in fact or just an old story? What small steps can I take to move forward?
Fear has a purpose in our lives. To keep us safe. You just have to see the story for what it is and not try to make it seem bigger than it is. Once you understand this, it becomes much easier to gain new perspectives on the stories you are telling yourself.
As I said to Julia, you’ve already done a lot to get here. You’re more prepared than you think.
