“When there is uncertainty, when you are at risk, when you feel exposed, don’t tap out. Stay brave, stay uncomfortable, stay in the moments of disgust, lean into tough conversations and keep the lead.” ~Brené Brown
Think of someone struggling financially, imagine someone who is rewarding. But money troubles don’t always look like that.
I struggled, even though I didn’t think so. I had a six figure salary. I own a home in one of the most expensive cities in the world and bought a $500,000 property in my late 20s. From the outside, I had it all.
But a year after homeownership, my partner retreated from our financial contracts and let everything be managed on its own. Then there was a Covid-19 hit. The government has responded to the country’s deficit by doubling the mortgage rate. Suddenly, almost every penny I earned went towards my surge in payments, insurance, maintenance costs and property taxes. Selling a house at the right time has become an anxiety-inducing gamble.
It’s about financial struggles. They look different to everyone. And at some point in our lives, most of us experience them.
During that year, the weight of my financial burdens crushed my dreams. I didn’t even have the opportunity to imagine it. In addition to my dreams, my mental and physical happiness and vitality were exchanged for mere survival.
Well-intentioned family and friends tried to provide support, but their words often missed the mark. Telling me to “trust the universe” or “just stay positive” made me feel more isolated, as if I wasn’t really understood. I had a hard time explaining why my financial difficulties felt like a barrier to my dreams, why I simply shook them off and couldn’t believe that everything would go well.
I accomplished it through my own financial struggles, but I looked back at this era of my life. Perhaps easy things were never an option, but did it all have to be very difficult? I also noticed a huge gap between long-term economic struggles and the complex challenges and struggles that can arise from the solutions, support and advice you receive in your fight with others.
There’s nothing to say to people struggling financially
“Learning the lessons will end the struggle.”
This idea is repeated until we find meaning in them, and although it is not comforting in some circumstances, it does not apply to financial difficulties. The idea that I somehow couldn’t learn my “letter” added to my stress.
The truth is that sometimes life challenges us. Several things happen. Our job is not to decipher hidden messages.
“You’re strong. You can handle it.”
Although it was meant to be encouraged, this statement often feels dismissed. Financial stress is relentless and affects not only the big picture but also the grinding of daily survival. Instead of pushing someone to make them stronger, ask how you can lighten their load. Let them vent. I acknowledge their fatigue. Strength is not a lack of struggle, but nevertheless survives. And even strong people need a break.
“Money is just energy. It aligns itself with its abundance.”
While positive thinking is valuable, financial difficulties are not mental failure. People don’t struggle because they have a wealth of “integrity.” They struggle because of the actual costs, the job market and the economic system. Amount of positive thinking cannot pay a mortgage.
“When something changes within you, the outside world reflects it.”
After years of economic struggle, I had not changed my AHA moment, inner transformations, miracles, or even slight ways of thinking before my financial situation changed. The only thing I counted was my consistent preparation, planning, and execution of all logistics tasks that I had completed for a very long time. For me, it was a tough job to be rewarded. There was no magical moment of liberation.
“Talking about your passion after a day of work.”
When you are financially owned, fatigue is constant. My work required intense mental energy. It was almost impossible to get home and work on a passion project using the same cognitive muscles. It’s like telling your personal trainer to do some intense workouts in the morning, noon, or at night. You’ll get burned out or get injured. Sometimes survival means putting your dreams aside until you can track them down without hurting them.
What’s actually useful
I love listening
As someone who has experienced a period of financial struggle, when someone shares a struggle with me, it is even impossible to not bring my biases, experiences, or perspectives into the conversation. The key is to remind us that we are not experts in anyone else’s life. They are, but we can be strong listeners. We hear us express our love.
Go into details
One of the most useful things I’ve experienced was having a real conversation about my financial situation. Speaking through an overwhelming number of concerns helped me to get clarity and relief. If you want to support people who are struggling, ask about a specific plan and course of action. It helps them to keep their minds organized and root themselves in what they actually have control over.
Provide resources
Support doesn’t have to be financial. Someone helped me find a reputable accountant, connect with another homeowner, and compare mortgage rates. Everything was very useful to me. My friend once helped me break down different bank fees and calculate my options. This is a simple act that makes a big difference. Another friend helped me. They helped drive the plan.
Help with decision fatigue
The financial struggle includes bills to pay invoices first, whether to shrink or negotiate better fees. The questions are endless. Telling someone about these options can be a game changer.
Remind them of their leadership
One advice that really was with me came from Brene Brown:
“When there is uncertainty, when you are in danger, when you feel exposed, don’t tap out. Stay brave, stay uncomfortable, stay in the moments of disgust, lean into tough conversations and stay on the lead.”
When I felt something other than a leader, these words resonated deeply with what was good in itself. They weren’t focused on what could have been, but about what happened: a lot of discomfort. My job wasn’t to break under pressure or lose my legs with every new challenge. It was to continue guiding myself and everyone involved, no matter how difficult it was. That was my only job.
–
My financial struggle is behind me now. It was something I once thought impossible. If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. That weight may feel unbearable, but the leaders within you, the people who will travel with you, and the greater compassionate power you can see will take over. As I’ve read recently, “The fear will continue, but so will you.”
About Kate Payman
Kate Payman is an engineer, climate advocate and creator of the Merciful series. Through candid interviews and personal stories, she explores life at the intersection of authenticity, relationships and freedom. She can be found on thebenevolentseries.com and on Instagram.
