“You’re right, whether you think you can do it or you can’t.” ~Henry Ford
We were all there: we were willing to check the checkboxes of life and we are sure we cracked the code. Divorce papers, layoffs, sadness, or unexpected illnesses – life curveballs do not discriminate.
For me, it was a sudden, mysterious illness at age 16. What should have been a simple infectious disease has changed the trajectory of my life. The doctor was at a loss, the tests provided no answers, and I was desperately stuck to navigate uncertain realities and control them as my lifeline.
One day, I’m cheering for a Friday night football game. The next step is to navigate endoscopy, colonoscopy, biopsy, EEG, EKGS, mental tests, countless blood tests, and seemingly endless endoscopy, with no answers yet.
I remember the day when it all went wrong.
I was in high school watching a movie at a friend’s house when I burned popcorn. It’s annoying, certainly, but it’s not the cause of concern. Except for me, the room started to spin and my head felt like it was exploding, so I went outside to get some air.
The next thing I know is that the cute boy I was hooked on discovered that I had passed away in the driveway. This was the beginning of chasing the more mysterious and more worrying symptoms.
Navigating chronic, mysterious illnesses as a young adult felt impossible, catastrophically unfair and inconsistent. One week I would think the worst was behind me and finally managed to get my life back, and the next one was blinded once again by some new symptoms.
My friend would get work, go to parties, go on dates, discover who they were while I was curled up on the bathroom floor. By my 20s it was normal for me to throw blood into the bathroom leaving an important meeting at work.
The most difficult part was never knowing whether I could trust my body. Have I woke up healthy or had I had unbearable pain?
I have tried to “get it right” in victim mode for years. If all the twists could be predicted, they would never be blinded again.
Spoiler Alert: It didn’t work. My health became spiral, my relationships suffered, and financial issues and self-control replaced self-minded and security. There was no amount of control to protect me from the inevitable mess of being a person with a chronic illness.
Along the way there were so many rock bottoms. I don’t know if I can choose one of the best moments. By the time I got closer to 30, I had a national disability and had so many medications that I was paranoid and had suicide thoughts. It was clear that none of the difficult battles I was fighting had worked, but I couldn’t see another path and was too young to give up. I think they call this stuck between a rock and a hard place.
There was no place to seek advice or any further answers, and that’s the loneliest I’ve ever had. The unknown was sitting there, staring at the face, playing chicken games.
Despite the evidence that I was going to win, I wasn’t planning on retreating either. So I moved away from traditional treatment plans that weren’t working anyway and focused on what I could control: thinking and attitude. It’s time to learn how to make proverb lemonade from a batch of rotten lemons.
Curiosity became my lifeline to maintain the small amount of sanity I had left behind. I didn’t resist or control reality, so what if I was interested instead? This was not about blind optimism, toxic positives, or magical thinking. Frankly, manifestation and the trust of the universe felt too far for those who didn’t know whether they could physically or mentally get out of bed.
I needed something practical, something grounded and thought possible. “What if?” helped to stop reality long enough to see things differently. It moved from a challenging self-experiment to my new principles of teaching.
What if my body wasn’t betraying me, but taught me something important? What if all the sudden changes are not punishment, but invitations to deeper self-awareness? Even if life was what I thought, what if I could find a way to be happy? What if I wasn’t broken? Did I need to do it differently than other people? What if it doesn’t need to be this difficult?
Over time, curiosity helped me open up a new reality. My biggest pain was also my biggest teacher. I am forced to sit and practice in an unknown discomfort, and it is all better. Eventually, I was diagnosed with mitochondrial disorders, but my diagnosis was less certain than before due to limited treatment options at the time.
The road was long and bumpy to say the least. I mean, I was hopeless every day, lost my job, and had an entire decade of blood spitting out. But along the way, my medical journey forced me to embrace a new story that I didn’t think I was sick. I changed my relationship not only to my body, but also to how I view life. What felt like a restriction was the key to unlocking the release. I didn’t know about it at the time.
It’s not a magic pill, but this change has helped me heal and stay healthy for almost a decade. Little did I know that another curveball was waiting for me for my birthday.
My mitochondrial disorder has returned completely after suffering from mold poisoning due to a leak in my apartment. I was bleeding across the bathroom floor and everything. This time I wasn’t 16 years old. I had the tools to regain my strength when everything around me fell apart. Instead of spiraling around my lack of control or unfair situations, I had a framework to move forward.
This did not change my very realistic and painful challenges. It didn’t reduce the financial blows or logistical upheavals of my life. But it allowed me to cross the recurrence with the curiosity I needed to move forward calmly and confidently despite this new uncertainty.
Hashimoto, if you are struggling with menopause disorder, intestinal problems, chronic fatigue, lower back pain, depression, or other unnecessary diagnosis, it can be related. It is a chronic disease. Symptoms may vary, but knowing how to move forward is usually the same.
My lessons were struggling, but they helped me turn the pain into possibilities when everything felt uncertain.
My 3 steps to navigate the uncertainty of life:
1. Curiosity is the door to possibilities.
When life confuses plans that are inevitably dependent on carefully, forgive yourself for the space to grieve for the loss of your expectations. Let yourself feel pain, as acceptance is the key to moving forward. After that, “What if?”
This can feel destructive at first, as if you’re like me, you cling to the reality you know like a stormy sea life raft. But if you can’t even entertain another outcome for a while, nothing will change.
What happens if my body isn’t failing, but I ask you to slow down? What if ending this relationship allows for space for deeper connections? What if you force them to not settle enough when they lose their job? What if this situation asks me to face a difficult truth that is finally hidden from me?
This is not a simple positive. It is a powerful cognitive change. Curiosity confuses habitual thinking and creates space for new truths that were previously unthinkable. When exploring different realities, you can see opportunities that have been painful before you see them.
Action: Lists current struggles. Next to each one, a bold, curious-driven “what if?” question. It’s not a hopeful idea. Opening one’s mind to new possibilities is challenging oneself.
2. Extreme responsibility is your personal strength.
We are all storytellers and weaves meaning into events in our lives. For years, my stories have been “This is not fair”, “Why did this happen to me”, or “I was sick, so something is fundamentally wrong with me”.
It’s not very good for my mental health, but this story certainly provided comfort as it is safe. And if you are a victim of your own story, you don’t need to change. But comfort has come at the expense of my agency. Even if it’s not your fault, you are responsible for the state of your life, as you choose to remain unchanged.
Over time I realized that my illness limits were realistic, but my identity didn’t have to be defined by them. Extreme responsibility does not mean that you or anyone else will condemn the twist in life. That means regaining the ability to choose how to interpret and handle those events.
I finally chose to rewrite my story. My illness was not proof that I was broken. It was a proof of my resilience, a catalyst for growth, and my biggest teacher. This allowed us to create a reality that we were not endured with chronic illness. I was learning how to thrive and be the best version of myself.
Action: Write down your stuck beliefs. Rewrite from “I choose to believe… because…” and then decide whether that belief serves you or if you want to make another choice. Keep an eye out how this shift feels. Control the story, not the situation.
3. Community is the key to courage.
Just facing uncertainty can be overwhelming and counterproductive. The person you surround yourself with is not just providing support. It deeply shapes your reality. I quickly learned to be surrounded by people who examined my struggles instead of my growth.
Statements like “life is not fair”, “never enough”, “that’s how things are going” are everywhere, but they become quiet destroyers. Someone who spends time in the form of what you say, and what you believe is possible for yourself and others.
It is essential to find people, places, hobbies that support curiosity, challenge your perception of what is possible and encourage your evolution. I was away from countless times but was saved by those who reminded me of my strength and progress. I look at those around me with deep love, gratitude and respect. Because how they appear in the world reminds us of what is possible.
Action: Be honest with your relationship. We list those who encourage courage and growth, and those who tighten restrictions, even if they mean well. We prioritize developing supportive connections.
Take home
My experience navigating the life of chronic illness has taught me that you cannot fight an inevitable, messy life. They are not always fair (or fun), but you can find freedom instead of fear in liminal space. Adopting uncertainty indicates that anything is possible when everything is unknown, even if it is offensive.
If you are skeptical, I understand – I was there. But what happens when the unknown is something to explore, not something to fear? What if accepting uncertainty is the secret superpower you’ve been looking for?
Whether it’s dealing with chronic illness or whether other unexpected plot twist lives throw your way, it’s not easy to step into the unknown, but trust me. It’s very valuable. On the other side is a life that is genuine, forced to belong to you.
About Erin Brennan
Erin Brennan is a storyteller and filmmaker who believes in the best way through the most troublesome moments of life, bringing fear into a glass of wine. Erin’s work challenges you to exchange certainty for curiosity. When your perspective changes subtly, she invites you to find possibilities in the unknown, if you are brave enough to appear and say yes. Erin is currently working on her first documentary. Her writing brings harsh love and unfiltered honest insights, helping people get out of their way to live their lives on their own terms.
