“The wound is where the light enters you.” ~rumi
Before 2011 I had heard many spiritual teachers talking about “accepting what is what.” In theory, chewing sounded good like mental information. But that was not embodied. I understood it intellectually, but I wasn’t living it.
Then I focused on the weekend with a teacher I deeply respected, and did something in the way he described it as a deeper hit. It wasn’t just a story. The essence of his words has transformed spiritual ideas into something that I can start living.
In that story, he shared a story about his father whose son was paraplegic. His father was devastated because he had so many expectations. His son goes to college, graduates, gets married and has children. However, those dreams died on the day of the accident.
His father still lived in a spiritual loop: “I should go to his graduation.” “I should be at his wedding.” He couldn’t let go of the life his son thought was supposed to have.
The teacher explained that his father needs to grieve his expectations not only in his mind, but in his body. It hit me hard. It was like a player expecting to win the championship and get injured. They are stuck in that same spiritual trap: “I should have had that career,” and they have suffered for years as life handed them another card.
The story broke something that opened up inside me.
The weight of the body’s shoulders
I’m someone who tends to be idealistic. I was hoping for myself, others, and how life should go. And when people can’t stand those ideals, whether it’s business, relationships, everyday interactions, it really hurts. I believed that people should be honest, ethical and true. They shouldn’t lie. They should not manipulate. I had a long list of “shoulders” and “don’ts” that support how life goes.
When life didn’t live up to those expectations, I felt disappointed, angry, and sometimes even hatred. My body was tense. There were chronic stress, emotional pain and health challenges. For six months I was even vomiting blood, but the doctor couldn’t find anything wrong. Looking back, I can see that my body was broken under pressure and I was holding tight to my expectations.
This is what the teacher pointed out. It is, in order to truly accept it, we must grieve our expectations on a physical level. It’s not enough to just convey affirmations to yourself, such as “just accepting” until your face turns blue. You have to feel your body say “no”
It means realizing: Does your body feel heavy? Is your heart tight and tense? If there is anything other than lightness or peace, there is something that you have neither sad nor liberated.
By maintaining those sensations without trying to modify or change them, you will begin to feel the change. The signs of release are subtle, but they are sensations of yoking, tears, vibrations, or energy-filled movement. It’s like something in your nervous system finally says, “Okay, I can let go now.”
Letting go has become a practice
After that retreat I spent the entire summer sitting with these “should” beliefs. Every day I made time to observe my thoughts and feelings. I’ve noticed how often I’ve been clinging to ideas like, “I should have done this” or “They shouldn’t act that way.” It was uncomfortable at first. I didn’t realize how much I had brought it with me.
I’ve been violating this work for 3-4 months. Self-employed people gave me space to dive deeper. And I felt that I needed to do my inner work before helping others. I probably spent hundreds, maybe thousands of hours in between.
Through that commitment I released a huge chunk of subconscious programming that I didn’t even know there. I realized that I have inherited many “should” ideas from my upbringing. My mother had high expectations too. When things don’t go her path, she will have a fierce emotional response. I was absorbing that pattern without realizing it.
At the end of these few months, I felt like I had begun a real journey to embody my spiritual growth. I’m not just reading about it. I’m alive. Not only do you think, but you also embrace what has become something that can be felt in your bones.
But that was just the beginning.
Acceptance occurs in layers
Over the next decade, I noticed a pattern. A similar trigger occurs every six months to a year. Same emotions, same resistance, but very intense. My period of suffering has also been reduced. Previously, only a few days remained what had upset me for a few weeks.
I now understand that accepting “what is what” happens in layers, like peeling off an onion. At first I released a more obvious emotional charge that is held in the heart or intestines. But over time I discovered deeper, more subtle conditioning, preserved in the nervous system, bones and tailbone, even in skin and sensory organs.
The body does not release it all at once. Because doing so will overwhelm the system. With each layer you release, it feels like your body is giving you permission to go deeper.
To find and clear these deeper layers, I learned muscle testing from the Yuen method of Chinese energy, which helps to reveal subconscious resistance. Muscle testing was a very powerful experience, intuitively speaking to the body and taught us to discover and release unconscious ancestor conditioning and forgotten trauma, a program of decades-old or generations in different body regions.
My personal “should”: My loved one should see my good intentions
For example, when my father made negative assumptions about my goodwill and deeds, I hated it. Instead of appreciating my efforts, he criticized them and left me with the feeling that no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough for him.
This took years and with each trigger each year I discovered a lot of conditioning. There’s an emotional meltdown. My body would be nervous and angry, like my mother. After working on these triggers over the years, he can no longer get a response from me.
I was responding in a hardwired way essentially. When my father makes negative assumptions about my mother, she often responds with an emotional meltdown and an outburst of anger. I realized I inherited the same pattern.
Over the years, every time my dad pressed a button, I had to do continuous work on different layers of conditioned responses in certain areas of my body. His button pushing became a gift. It constantly revealed more hidden layers of emotional reactivity.
Lately, if he’s making negative assumptions, it might still bother you a little, but it’s not like the angry, hateful emotional response I once had. If my body still responds slightly, it gives me feedback, so I am making them realize that there is still an unconscious conditioning that I need to be released.
As you do this, you will notice over time that your loved one will still press the same button and say unkind words or even act in a way that has deeply hurt you. However, it can significantly reduce triggers and reactivity.
You will not take their words or actions personally anymore. Instead, there is a growing sense of love and acceptance for yourself, the situation, and for your loved ones, regardless of what they do. Doing this job feels like you’re approaching unconditional love, or at least moving as close as we can get.
Continuous acceptance development
This process taught me to accept that it’s not a one-off breakthrough. It is the slow rewinding of everything we have been taught to expect, demand, or resist. It’s actually a return to what’s here, in a moment, breathing with breath.
Even now, I’m still being triggered. But I am good at meeting those moments with curiosity instead of judgment. I know the signs of my body. I can feel when something is not sad yet.
If you’re like me, if you have a long list of “shoulders” about yourself, others, and life, it’s probably time to sit with them. To feel where they land in your body. To grieve the life you thought was supposed to happen.
Because healing does not come from controlling life. It comes from letting go of the fight against it. It comes from feeling that it is open-minded and patient presence.
About Paul Wong
Paul Wong is the founder of Energetics™ in China. This is how he has practiced for over 15 years, helping high-performance professionals release chronic stress and anxiety rooted in intergenerational and early life. His work supports clarity, emotional stability and a return to grounded inner power. Paul offers live workshops, online classes and personalized sessions. For more information, please visit www.chineseenergetics.com or contact us at paul@chineseenergetics.com.
