When we let go of the idea that the past could or should be any different than it was, we become truly free. This is very difficult.
This challenge arises from a deep desire to examine one’s feelings and experiences. When we let go of the idea that the past should have been different, we often feel like we are invalidating ourselves. We’ve been through hell, we’ve been through things that most people don’t know about, and the thought of letting it go like nothing happened is so devastating at first. Where is that justice?
I know; I’ve been there. To be honest, I still have moments where I pick up this idea and hold on to it for a while because it feels like the right thing to do. In order to honor myself and my experiences, I must continue to engage with the injustice of the choices others have made, choices that have dramatically affected my life and caused me immense pain.
After almost 19 years of marriage, my husband, my high school sweetheart, told me he was gay and had never been attracted to me.
I promise, I know pain. I struggled with myself for weeks, trying to think of all the things that could have happened, or perhaps should have happened, to avoid the situation that was causing me so much pain.
Things I wish I had paid attention to when we were dating, things I wish I had listened to over the years about therapists who pushed me to work on the issues between my husband and I, things I wish I had never met him, things I wish he had been honest with me (I’m sure the lies would have hurt him too, so that would have been best for both of us), etc. There are many things I wish I could change. It seemed insurmountable at times.
For months I didn’t even want to think about accepting my reality. This felt like the most invalid thing I could do. The rejection I experienced in my marriage is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Was I surprised when my ex-husband told me he was gay? This is difficult to answer. I knew something was wrong. I knew I felt crazy, invisible, and ugly. I lost count of the number of nights I went to bed crying because I couldn’t see the man I married.
Now that I can finally live my truth, how do I move forward? I have been carrying a mountain of sadness for 20 years. I personally think this reality is the worst. Other people’s choices can fundamentally harm us. Others can hurt us. The only way to live a healthy and fulfilling life is to connect with others.
This reality must have given you many sleepless nights. More than anything, I want to live alone on an island. For years I was convinced that I was completely self-sufficient. I earn my own money and take care of my own needs. I don’t want to be around people who will lie to me, deceive me, or hurt me again.
I hope this works. I wish there was a way, but I’m here to tell you that there isn’t.
You can also go down that path. Trust me, I tried. It only brings more emptiness and pain.
The truth is, we are wired for connection. we are mammals. We need others to survive. Successful people have deep, meaningful, and loving relationships. They feel the greatest elation and the deepest low-pitched pain when someone betrays their trust. This is the human experience.
Unfortunately, some of us have experienced deeper levels of pain, but what I know for sure is that we have the ability to heal.
I had to redefine what it meant to let go. That doesn’t mean your ex-husband made the right choice. I will never say the pain was worth it or that it wasn’t that bad. Living in a catfish-like relationship for 20 years is never okay. There will always be days when you feel pain and mourn the past. Thankfully, those days are moving away, but they still happen.
Letting go means allowing yourself to feel the sadness of your reality and accept what you cannot change. You can’t change his lies. You can’t change your choices to believe in them. We can’t change the fact that we gave up ourselves and our needs for him and our children. You can’t change that.
I can feel deep, painful pain and continue to grieve until that pain consumes me. When I allow myself to feel and sit in that emotion for as long as I need to, I am able to justify myself. I’m not waiting for the day when he or anyone else will justify my experience.
No one will ever know the true depth of our suffering. The days when we sat in the closet and cried or silently cried ourselves to sleep. However, you can verify it yourself. Sharing our stories helps others know they are not alone in their suffering.
I think many of you reading this know my pain. Your story may be different, but your pain is not. If you’re feeling stuck moving forward, know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to feel all of your emotions. “Go there,” they say.
You don’t have to do it alone. Ask a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend to sit with you while you feel the depth of all your emotions. There is freedom on the other side. i promise. It’s not perfect. My sadness will never go away, but I am free. I am free of his choices and free to create a life I never thought I could dream for myself while still bound in his web.
This work is scary and difficult, and only done by brave and courageous people. There are many people who are here to cheer you on and stand next to you while you work. Be brave and start the journey of letting go. you are worth it.
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I recently heard someone say, “Compassion is the intersection of love and suffering.” I feel like I’ve been carrying around pain for a long time, and I know my ex is the same way. It wasn’t until I saw my ex’s suffering and was able to lovingly let him go that I was able to truly let go and be free.
I met him with compassion. It wasn’t easy. Sympathy didn’t come quickly and I still have some hard days. We both grew up in a culture that valued being good and loyal more than being happy and noticed.
Our tragic story is the result of valuing rules and goodness over love, happiness, and self-expression. I know we are not the first generation to suffer from this mindset, but I pray we are the last.
