“Jerry, the best people have bad people, the worst people have good people. Find the good one!” ~ George Chakey, my grandfather
I was seven when he told me it. It will later be a guide to my life.
My grandfather was 21 years old when he came to the US with his older brother Andrew. Shortly afterwards, he married my grandmother, Maria, and had five children. William, the second youngest, died of illness at the age of seven.
A year later, they lost all their savings in the Great Repression of 1929, when many banks closed. Two years later, my grandmother died of a stroke at the age of 36.
As I get older and learn about the many difficulties my grandfather and family from which I came to endure, his encouragement to look for people’s good will have a big impact on me. It gave a strong interest in trying to understand why people acted in their own way. Looking back, it also had a lot to do with me becoming a therapist and author.
It’s easier than I say
As an expert, I can listen to my therapy clients objectively without compassion and judgment. However, in my personal life I often struggled to see good things for certain people, especially some elementary school teachers who physically and emotionally abused male peers who mocked me and my small size.
In my youth, I often felt humiliated, but not ashamed. I knew there must have been something wrong with them to treat me like that. But that still hurts.
I struggled with anger and res over the years. In my youth, I was taught that anger is a negative emotion. When I expressed it, certain teachers and my parents punished me. So I packed my anger.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know
When I was 12, I made the conscious decision to build a wall to protect myself from emotionally hurting. At the time, that was the best thing I could do. While walls can give you a sense of security, walls lock in pain inside, make it difficult to trust and truly connect with others.
At the same time, I vowed to myself that I had frequently revisited. I knew I didn’t want to express my feelings, but I didn’t know how to do it in a positive and healthy way.
Packing emotions is like squeezing a long, thin balloon, having air or anger, bulging into another place. In my late 20s, individual and couple counseling slowly helped me to begin to realize how much anger and resentment I had brought. They sometimes leaked out in the tone of my voice.
“Resme is the poison we pour for others who drink ourselves.” ~Anonymous
I heard the phrase in a self-help group for alcoholic families. After the meeting I approached the person who shared it and told her, “I’ve never heard of it.” She replied with a smile, “I shared it many times at the meetings you were attending,” I replied, “I will not doubt it, but I have never heard it until tonight!”
The word “res” comes from the Latin word meaning “again” and means “to feel.” As we hold resentment, we continue to “feel” or “rediscover” painful emotions. It’s like choosing a scab until it bleeds and until the wound resumes.
We have never read anywhere that we should like to be treated or spoken unfairly. But when we resent, smug digging, or other unpleasant feelings, it connects us to the past.
Holding responsiveness and grit can increase feelings of helplessness. Waiting and expecting others to change empowers my thoughts and feelings. Many of the people I have resented over the years are dead, but they can still hold me.
When we let go of resentment, it frees us from a lot of pain and discomfort. As author John E. Sutherd said, “The only people who will try to do it with you are those who have helped you.”
I continued to learn how to set healthier and clearer boundaries without building walls. I have learned that there is no need to accept behavior that no one can accept. And even if the argument is in my mind, I don’t need to go to all the discussions I’m invited to.
Still, despite the great progress made over the years, anger and resentment will return regularly. And the idea of allowing certain people to stay in my raw.
When people try to excuse other people’s actions in statements like “I knew how they knew,” I say, “They shouldn’t have been teachers,” “My sister and I had to grow emotionally on our own!”
Tolerance frees the forgiveness
For a long time I began my day with prayers of tranquility: (God) the courage to rest in me to embrace what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It helped me try to focus on what I have today and what I have control over. Sometimes I get stuck and all I can say is, “Please help me let go of this anger.”
“When we forgive, we heal. When we let go we grow.” ~The Dalai Lama
I often hear the voices of many people who helped, supported and nourished me. The nuns of his wife’s late sister, Mary Ellen, and Venelini, say, “Jerry, the nuns treated you that way, and that’s probably how their boss treated them.” She validated my pain and planted another seed that grew slowly.
I’ve also heard that it hurts people. Sometimes, when I was hurt, I was still assaulting innocent people. I desperately wanted to break this generational cycle. I learned that I don’t have to wait for others to change to feel better.
I’m learning that everyone has a story, and I can practice forgiveness without excuses for what they did or said.
Don’t forget tolerance. Forgiveness helps me free myself from the burden of responsiveness, connect with supportive people, and focus on continuing to heal. Giving up responsiveness damages the bond that unites me in the past. It helps me to exist today. There, instead of regenerating old pain, you can direct your time and energy into your current life.
Over the past year I have consciously strived to start every day by asking for higher powers. I chose to call you God. This has become one of the biggest turning points of my life.
Cannot be poured from an empty cup
I have learned that caring for myself is one of the most effective ways to stop building resilience. Over time, if you ignore one or more of your needs, you will be more likely to snap faster, be patient and take things personally. Who will benefit from my self-denial? Not me, and certainly not my spouse, children, coworkers, or others. When I’m stopped (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired) or SOS (severely stressed), I don’t like being around me either.
Self-compassion also weakens the responsiveness and makes it easier to be considerate with others. Remembering all of our ongoing works helps me treat myself and others more gently.
I often think about my grandfather’s words, “Look for good.” Self-care and self-compassion help us to see the good of ourselves and others. I hate someone’s actions or tone of voice and I can recognize that they’re not really about me.
I actually record a Q-Tip (which represents “personally stop taking it away”) on my desk, reminding me that someone else’s actions and words are likely to be the result of my struggle. It helps me to “catch myself” and instead of taking things personally, I remember that everyone has a story.
Thank you puts everything in perspective
There are days when I face a major or overwhelming challenge that it makes it easier to default to other people and life itself. At the time, I might notice a beautiful sunrise or feel moved by the love and kindness of others. Practicing gratitude helps me see life as difficult and good. It’s like an emotional and mental savings account, and builds a reserve that will help me become more resilient during rough patches of life, even if I feel I’m wrong.
Specifically, focusing on what I appreciate every day gives me an age of healing and tranquility. It empowers me to approach interactions with others in a warm and compassionate way, while respecting my personal boundaries and my own.
Appreciation and compassion for yourself and others is practiced. That’s not just one thing. It’s like learning new skills. The more I practice, the more positive it becomes and it feels like a second nature.
Without repetition practice, old, unwanted thoughts and patterns could come back. When I ignore self-care, I am most vulnerable to regression immediately.
I also need to be vigilant when things seem to be going well within and around me. I can be overly confident and try to relax by coast running along the line from practicing gratitude and compassion.
I’m not learning much that I no longer work for me. I didn’t learn that “practice will be perfect.”
I don’t always get it right, but every time I choose to feel more considerate, understanding, or gratitude over resentment, I feel more peaceful and connected with everyone around me.
About Jerry Manny
Jerry Manny is a longtime therapist and author. His book, “Why We Assert and How to Stop Show You How to Disagree, Control Your Feelings and Build Healthier Relationships. Jerry has written many articles on family pain, substance abuse, and communication more effectively. He has also taught university courses for 17 years and has been spoken at national conferences. Follow Jerry at Tiktok @thebooktokshrink.
