How to build mindful social media habits in the age of TikTok—for you and your kids

A few years ago, I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and came across an image of my childhood best friend Miranda. She was on a beautiful white sand tropical beach, glowing with a tan and contorting her body into incredible yoga poses. In contrast, I was sitting in my living room, white-faced by the frigid Maine temperatures, deeply shackled, and almost comatose from technology use. Then I realized something. As I stared at the photo, I felt a bit of a lump in my throat. My shoulders rose just a hair. And my stomach dropped. Hmm, I thought for a moment. I wish that was me. This was followed by a flurry of reasons why I was better than her in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better.

Even though this bad feeling has happened a billion times while browsing Instagram, what made this moment notable was realizing how that image affected me. That’s it. Thinking of my technology consumption like a diet, the food I just ate left me feeling bloated and heavy. Probably the equivalent of eating an entire bag of Cheetos. In the past, I might have scrolled for 30 minutes, feeling some nameless anxiety as I went about my day, without really noticing or connecting my feelings to anything. did. However, this time it was sunny like daytime. This time helped me wake up and ask myself, “Is scrolling social media good for my health?” The answer was a resounding no.

So I deleted all apps and never accessed social media again.

Yes, that’s right.

The truth is, this was the beginning of a long process of really waking up to how my use of technology was affecting me. The reason I was able to notice that my face was getting hot and my muscles were stiff was because the email triggered my reaction before I reacted violently. I’ve noticed that if I watch the news on my phone first thing in the morning, it makes me even more grumpy towards my family as I prepare to teach at school that day.

Mindfulness essentially asks us to drop our judgmental pants for a moment and really look at our experiences, especially those we think we already know.

On the other hand, I also gained a greater appreciation for how technology can actually help me. I felt empowered by the calls to action posted by my social justice friends. I was grateful for my electronic calendar to remind me of a missed appointment I was supposed to go to in 30 minutes. I especially appreciated being able to connect with my students, family, and friends through Zoom as we battled the COVID-19 pandemic.

Listen, there’s obvious bias here. I think it’s really easy for us humans to get drawn into mindless use of technology and feel like crap. I think there are forces at play that make it hard to let go of our phones, video controllers, and computer screens. And we believe we can control ourselves and our choices, but only if we pay enough attention to notice what’s going on.

Listen to your child

To be clear, this is not just a concern for young people. While the specifics of the challenges associated with technology use may be generational, the modern struggle for balance and health affects people of all ages.

I am a mother of two young children (1 and 4 years old at the time of this writing). That means we’re exploring how best to support children in developing healthy relationships with technology.

For now, it’s as simple as turning off the iPad after an episode or picking up the phone when the timer goes off. But at some point, I have to transfer that power to them and help them realize how their use of technology affects them and make their own choices. Of course they will make mistakes. Of course, we make mistakes. But I hope, like my students, that we can figure it out together.

I encourage you to be vulnerable with the younger people in your life. Model your own struggles. Invite them to share their opinions. Sit on the same side of the table and solve problems together instead of fighting. We all want fewer conflicts. Be open to the possibility that you too may be in this together.

You can learn a lot just by listening to children’s stories. The world is different than the one we grew up in. I didn’t have a cell phone or social media until I went to college, and then smartphones came out. I spent my childhood before modern technology was a reality. I can never fully understand what it would be like to grow up in a world where relationships are mediated by technology. The closest thing I can do is simply listen to young people. One piece of advice that really stuck with me came from Jeremy, a teenager from Virginia. Both generations have problems, but they are not the same and they do not fully understand them. Parents just need to acknowledge the generation gap and be willing to listen and understand. ”

So I encourage you to be vulnerable with the young people in your life. Model your own struggles. Invite them to share their opinions. Sit on the same side of the table and solve problems together instead of fighting. We all want fewer conflicts. Be open to the possibility that you too may be in this together.

Develop social media habits that work for you

Mindfulness essentially asks us to take off our judgmental pants for a moment and really look at our experiences, especially those we think we already know. If we pay our full attention, lower our defenses, and open our hearts, we will be surprised at how much there is to learn. Being open-minded means that we can do this work carefully. We can do it because we care. . . About yourself, your family and friends, and your larger community. Recognizing that you truly want what’s best for everyone helps you take action, which may not be easy. Perhaps we’ll create a post about social justice to highlight how we can better care for each other and this world. Perhaps we put down our phones to show that we care about our loved ones.

Please close your eyes. I think you should read this all the way through first, but then you can go back, close your eyes, and go through this exercise on your own.

Imagine yourself waking up on the most perfect day. What’s it like to be in bed? How do you soak in the moment? Do you want to stay there for a while to enjoy rest? Are you one of those people who likes to jump up right away and put on some upbeat music? Imagine what the first moments of your ideal day would look like. The afternoon is spinning around. What now? Are you going for a walk? Would you like to take a nap on the sofa in a sunny place? Would you like to go to the beach or a slope? How do you relieve the stress of the day?Would you like to watch a movie with your family? Curl up in a bean bag chair and read a book? Why not take a short walk around the neighborhood? When you are ready, return to the present.

This is an exercise in idealization. Obviously, we usually don’t have this much control over every moment of our day. We must consider the needs of others. And we do things like work, errands, exercise, things that don’t feel satisfying in the moment but may help us in the end. Circumstances in life do not allow us to do everything we want. However, it is very helpful to know in our bodies what it feels like to have a beautiful day, and to know what factors create that feeling.

This exercise is intended to emphasize the fact that how you spend your time is important. What matters is what fills your mind with experiences, content, and images. That may be the most important thing to consider. How we spend each moment ultimately impacts our lives. If we want to be really clear about how our technology can best serve us, we need to be very clear about what it serves. Many people spend their lives grappling with this big question. What jobs, activities, causes, and ways of being in the world make me feel most alive, most connected, and most authentic? There is no final answer to this question. It’s a lifelong question, and your response will no doubt change as you grow and develop new priorities.

Finding meaning in our lives comes not just from what we do, but how we show up.

Finding meaning in our lives comes not just from what we do, but how we show up. Did we come that far to have those experiences? Or are we distracted? Can we find meaning and fulfillment in moments that are not exciting, awe-inspiring, or joyful? Our technology habits don’t exist in isolation. Sometimes they are the result of unmet needs in our lives. Our habits can create unmet needs. It helps us understand what nourishes us and helps us feel most alive. Only then can we really understand how the use of technology can support that.

You can always try again

The truth is, it’s easier, at least temporarily, not to try. It’s easier not to notice. It’s easier to jump into your tech inner tube and let the smart neuroscientists and psychologists at tech companies take you on a tech-fueled “happy” river float. It’s easier to get carried away by your habits and patterns than to look at them and ask, “Are they taking me where I want to go?” Are you creating the life I want to live? Sometimes just asking yourself to pause can feel like a lot. we are not used to it. Our habits encourage us to stick to what we know. Knowing this, you may perhaps ask yourself, “Will I like that dance?” Can you love your humanity? Can you love yourself when your actions cause sleep deprivation, jealousy, work stagnation, and sadness? Inspire the desire to keep coming back with love and compassion instead of feeling ashamed Can I do that?

Once you get into the habit of examining your technological habits, either by criticizing yourself or by criticizing others who don’t live up to your ideals, you won’t want to keep trying. Lead with love.

Maybe one day you found yourself scrolling for more than an hour, and a week later you didn’t notice the same behavior. Perhaps one day when we play a video game, we choose to set a timer and go get some fresh air after 30 minutes, but a month later we just play the game all weekend. However, you can start again.

Still, we can still take care of ourselves even when we’re depressed. We can value ourselves enough to try again.

“Attention Hijacked: Using Mindfulness to Reclaim Your Brain from Technology” by Erica B. Marcus. Text Copyright © 2022 by Erica B. Marcus. Reprinted with permission of Zest Books, a division of Lerner Publishing Group, Inc. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. No part of this text excerpt may be used or reproduced in any way without the prior written permission of Lerner Publishing Group, Inc.