“When you say yes to someone else, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself. ” Paulo Coelho
Have you ever felt that no matter how much you give it, it’s never enough? Is your value measured by how useful, incarcerable or strong is for others?
This invisible burden is what I call the wounds of Good Girl/Good Boy. This is deep sitting conditioning that tells us that our value lies in delighting others at the expense of losing ourselves.
For generations, we have been taught to shape ourselves according to the expectations of those around us. Boys are praised for toughness and independence, but girls are often encouraged to be “nice” and comfortable. These messages shape us into adults who struggle to know that we are beyond what we can do for others.
I lived most of my life under this conditioning spell and always aimed to be “good” in the eyes of my family, teachers and colleagues. I was excellent at meeting expectations, restraining my needs, and avoiding actions that might be considered “selfish.” But over time I began to realize that the more I lived this way, the more I became detached from my true nature.
I was not free. I was imprisoned in a set of rules that prevented me from accessing my true power.
Suspend Superwoman and Superman
For years, my good girl scars were hidden behind the role of a superwoman. I just believed that if I tried so hard, gave more and proved my worth through my achievements, I would finally feel the whole thing. But rather than empowering, I felt withered and cut off.
The moment of calculation came when I realized I didn’t actually know how to become myself. I knew how it would help.
Where did that idea come from? I think it’s everywhere in our culture. It is the need to prove our worth. I remember when I was 14 years old, deeply influenced by the Perfume Enjoy commercial I ran all summer. I can still look at women and hear the jingle in my head.
“You can take the bacon home,
Fry in a pot,
And let me never forget that he is a man,
“I’m a woman!”
The catchphrase was “8 hours perfume for your 24-hour women!” It’s funny now, but back then, it cut me to my core.
I grew up watching my mother try to please my highly critical dad. My father seemed to hold all his strength. If he did what he expected, life would have been pretty good. But if not, there will be hell to pay. The message was clear. Love was not given freely and could be withheld whenever he disappointed.
As a result, I grew up believing that my worth was always tied to what I could do for others, not the truth of who I was. I’m not alone with this.
The relentless drive we have been taught to accept can lead to a constant sense of what is enough, enough, or enough. This dilemma is gender neutral and is often at the heart of our self-worth.
By letting go of my super personals I had to confront my deepest fear. If I prioritize my needs, would I still be worth it?
Of course, the answer was yes. But first, I had to regain my sovereignty.
I accept your sovereignty
To heal our injuries is not to refuse kindness or care, but to learn to offer those gifts from a place of fullness rather than exhaustion. It’s about retrieving the parts of ourselves that we abandoned to fit. It is to choose to stand in our truth, even when it is uncomfortable.
If you’ve ever felt guilty about setting boundaries, struggled to ask for help, or found yourself constantly prioritizing others at your own expense, you’re not alone. These actions often stem from deep-seated beliefs that show us what we say.
“My values are based on how much I do for others.” “If I say no, I’d disappoint people.” “It’s selfish to put myself first.” “I should be able to handle everything myself.”
These beliefs are incredibly powerful and shape our decisions and keep us stuck in a cycle of self-criticism and self-sacrifice. We often lose our way.
The good news is that once you start to recognize these old patterns, you can free yourself from these old patterns.
Change your beliefs and accept support
To truly embrace your own needs and desires, it is important to rewire the subconscious message that keeps you stuck. Below are some ways to begin shifting your mindset and create lasting change.
1. Rewiring the story.
Start by questioning the beliefs that hinder you. Ask yourself:
Where did you learn this belief? Is it absolutely true or is it the story I was told? What would change if you believed something different?
Replacing an outdated belief with something more empowering, such as “my needs are just as important as others” could be a game-changer.
2. Reception practice.
Many of us are comfortable, but we have a hard time receiving it. Start small things – accept the compliments without rejecting them, allowing someone to help you with the task, or say yes to the offer of support. Please remind yourself that there is a discomfort that occurs and that you deserve attention.
3. Own your desires.
In many cases, we have been taught that they are not important, so we suppress our true desires. Take your time to reconnect with yourself.
What kind of light do you illuminate? What do you long for? If the needs of others are not a factor, what would you choose for yourself?
Write down your desires – even if they feel impossible right now – can help them to focus and make them feel more realistic.
4. Set love and boundaries.
Saying no can make you feel uncomfortable, but boundaries are acts of self-esteem. Practice simple and clear statements like this:
“Thank you for your inquiry, but it’s not available.” “I need time for myself right now.” “It’s not working for me, but here’s what I can offer.”
When we set boundaries from a place of love, for ourselves and others – we create space for deeper, more authentic relationships.
5. Surround yourself with support.
Breaking a lifelong pattern is challenging and you don’t have to do it alone. Find people who will lift you up, respect your boundaries and promote your growth. Whether you’re a coach, a therapist, a friend or a community, support makes all the difference.
Sovereign Living: Accepting a new way of being
Choosing to respect your needs and desires does not mean ignoring others. That means it relates to the overall relationship. When you give from a place of fullness rather than exhaustion, your generosity becomes a gift rather than an obligation. By standing in your truth, you step into a life of easier, joy and integrity.
The Sovereign Living is not a one-off event. It is an ongoing practice of choosing to stay true to yourself as if caring for others. It’s a job of dismantling old stories and embracing new ways of being. And most of all, it’s that you remember that you are already whole, already worth it, and already free.
So ask yourself: What are the small ways you can regain your sovereignty today? Maybe it’s not tied to what you’re doing, setting boundaries and receiving yourself or simply recognizing your worth. Your journey to sovereignty begins with a single choice. What will you become?
About Dr. Lima Bonario
Dr. Lima Bonario is a dream weaver, soul coach and wild heart healer who helps women regain sovereignty and create a life filled with joy, purpose and abundance. She is the author of the Seven Queens. A map of the soul to embody the sovereignty of a sacred woman. For more information, please visit rimabonario.com.
