Since I started this blog in 2013, I have disappeared many times.
The perfectionist in me feels deeply guilty about this. I have wanted to continue to show up consistently, publish often, and continue to build things that feel meaningful.
But I’ve found that I can’t do that if I put unnecessary pressure on myself to keep everything together while my life falls apart around me.
The truth is, I’m trying to get back to myself and undo years of playing the role of a perfectionist who can’t even talk about her needs or recognize them for what they are.
I’ve spent a lot of time weathering emotional storms while trying to appear calm on the outside.
I learned through painful experience that if you force yourself to live life, eventually your body will force itself to do what it needs to do. You need to slow down and take a hard look in the mirror.
When this happens, it will feel like your entire being and everything you knew to be true has collapsed.
elucidation
The collapse began in October 2024.
After going through a year of major changes, including ending an eight-year relationship, moving back in with my parents, moving to another state, dealing with a stressful financial situation, and experiencing health concerns, my body asked me to pause.
The back pain I’ve been having since 2021 has become unbearable. I started feeling pain and discomfort in almost every area of my body. The list of strange and unexplained symptoms I experienced could fill an entire notebook.
I’ve done everything I can. I thought journaling, meditating, and trying to stay positive were all the right things to do. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but healing needed something deeper than that.
My body was telling me, “If you don’t listen to me, you’re going to lose control.”
Because I didn’t listen, it actually started happening. As I tried to hold it all in, it all spilled out.
Anxiety and pain hit me
What started as chronic lower back pain eventually turned into severe health anxiety that dominated my life.
I began to fear the most mundane things. Every unfamiliar sensation in my body became worrying. My brain tried to convince me that I was dying more times than I can count. While this was happening I had some of the darkest thoughts I’ve ever had in my life.
I kept thinking, “Why am I the way I am? Is there something inherently wrong with me?” And there was a voice in my head saying, “People have been through much worse. Be grateful.”
But such thinking only made an already intense experience even more humiliating. Fear and shame don’t mix well.
When I look back on these things a year later, I realize that I had a completely human reaction to changes in my life, but I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep moving forward and keep it all together.
find the exit
For the past two years, I have been swimming in the depths of fear, pain, obsession, and dysregulation.
I have experienced the pain of sandpaper grinding my nerves. I’ve had panic attacks in the middle of the night that made me question my sanity. I woke up in fear every day.
But I came out the other side. I am beginning to heal wounds and patterns that started a long time ago. I began to understand my triggers and where they came from.
As I write this in 2026, I no longer experience health anxiety or back pain as a part of my daily life. They are not part of my identity.
tell the truth
Too many people experience fear and panic every day, yet we are told to “relax,” “it’s not that serious,” and “you’re too sensitive.”
I know I’m not the only one who’s felt what I’ve felt, but very few people seem to talk about it.
I feel that part of my duty on this earth is to shine a light on these very human experiences.
Our society would be a better place if more people spoke the truth about their feelings and experiences.
Unfortunately, as a culture, we don’t know how to deal with our emotions. We blame others for our problems instead of looking within ourselves. We think we are perfect and everyone else is the problem.
We are all haunted by ghosts, but few of us dare to confront them. Why do we do that? What’s fun about that?
In my experience, facing the ghosts that live inside you gives you access to everything you’ve ever wanted.
return to yourself
I believe something needed to shake up my world for me to reveal the truth about who I really am. I look at the ongoing chapters of my life that way.
Right now I’m in the process of rebuilding my life, my life actually.
This is my first time living alone. I’m taking a dance class, which I’ve always wanted to do. I (even though I’m an introvert) have been putting myself out there to meet new people at local meet-ups. I’m in a healthy relationship. My creativity is back and alive.
I’m getting back to my true self, but I can’t do that if I keep running away from my problems.
Everyone wants to know the secret to feeling at peace with themselves.
In reality, the following painful process is required.
Understanding and facing your fears Being kind to your nervous system Trusting yourself and not leaving decisions to others Defining and talking about your needs Telling the truth
Healing is not the final destination. There is always more to learn about yourself. But if you can face the ghosts that haunt you as you lie in bed at night, you can return to the person you were before everyone told you to be.
what happens next
I want to share what I uncovered about fear, anxiety, pain, shame, and guilt. What I had to learn. And that I have healed layers of myself so that you can too.
I feel that what I have to share is more than just a new chapter in my life. This is a new book.
Over time, I will share how fear gripped my life until I built inner safety and returned to myself.
If you are facing pain or anxiety right now, know that you are not alone. you are not broken You can get through this.
Read the next post in the series here.
