“Emotions are not a problem to be resolved. They are the signal to be felt.” ~Vironika Tugaleva
We have been taught to package feelings like fast food. Americanized emotions. Digesible. Non-threatening. It’s always combined with productivity.
If you’re sad, journal it. If you’re mad, regulate it. If you’re overwhelmed, make a correction with a 3-stage plan and green juice. And what if that doesn’t work? Please try again. You probably missed the step.
This is a way to sell emotional healing in the West. It is sold like a self-improvement product. Seven minutes of abs. Seven habits. Five love languages. Follow the formula. Find peace.
But what happens if the formula is a lie?
As a mental health therapist, I live it on both sides. I sat in the client’s chair and felt broken as the sadness didn’t resolve after a sufficient thank-you list. And I sit across from the client whispering their sadness like a confession, wondering what they’ve made a mistake as they still feel something.
They’re not doing that wrong. They are just humans.
Healing is not about “doing” our feelings. It’s about learning how to actually feel them without justifying them or forcing them to translate them into something useful.
You’re not explaining your feelings.
Still, even if I know that, I get caught up in it too.
I am also a product of this culture. It’s where emotions are tolerated when properly packaged. It’s not too big. It’s not that long. If possible, we can solve the problem by the morning.
That’s why I feel deeply lonely. But loneliness is not a flaw, it’s a dream. My longing to be witnessed by the fill of humanity. It is not fixed. Not analyzed. I just saw it.
No verification is required. I don’t want to defend my feelings. I just want space. Front of the audience. A room to pass through me the feeling.
Loneliness reminds me of how deeply shaped I am by a culture of fear of emotions unless it comes with an action plan.
So I learned to hide mine from most people. Even if I’m embarrassed, it’s not because they’re afraid. People are afraid of their emotions, and of course they fear my vulnerability. Most people in this country don’t know what to do with their true feelings. And then it became a problem to do it.
The fear of being too much or too messy is deeply rooted not only in American culture but also in me.
That part of me judges the part of me that sometimes feels sad. She calls it a weakness. Not cruel, but out of fear. She believes that if she is embarrassed by that part of the much younger and more authentic part that lives within me, she is in no danger of being embarrassed by others.
I’m sure many other Americans have the exact same parts of them too.
We have to be tough, we have to suck it up.
My part that makes me sad. The part that I fear. The part where you feel lonely. These are the parts I exiled a long time ago. But I’m starting to take them home to me. Parts that are afraid to take up space. They still don’t know how valuable they are.
They are not just kind. They are smart. They are the intuitive, empathetic, and deeply alive parts of me. Our culture has spent countless centuries trying to forget.
But I will not forget those parts. There’s no more.
I now speak to them with clear and compassion. I tell them: You are allowed to feel without observing it. You are allowed to take up space without apologizing for the weight of your truth. Enlarge. Please do not shrink.
Something sad. Something scary. Someone who wants to hide. Someone who is learning to stay. Even critics. They can all be inside me. No shame. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.
I will no longer betray them as others betray my part and project them on me what I can trust.
In me there is an entire galaxy, and in you there is an entire galaxy. Of course, no one else will fully understand that.
The important thing is what I do.
And I’m learning… I shouldn’t be understood here. I’m just here to be me.
And maybe you too.
About Allison Briggs
Allison Janet Briggs is a therapist, author and speaker dedicated to helping women heal from codependent, childhood trauma and emotional neglect. She blends psychological insight with mental depth, leading clients and readers to self-confidence, boundaries and authentic connections. Allison is the author of memoirs about upcoming realities. Heals the mind of female codependentness and shares reflections on healing, resilience and inner freedom at on-being-real.com.
