I have been practicing and teaching self-compassion for a long time. My book on this topic, This Hard Thing About Being Human, was published six years ago. (I hope you read it. If you haven’t read it yet, I hope you do.)
My approach to practicing self-compassion has essentially remained the same since then, but from time to time a particular approach becomes a focal point for me.
One thing I’ve found helpful these days is when something bad happens, I tell myself, “This is what it is like right now.”
See also:
I’ll talk more about this later, but first I’d like to give you an overview of how I usually practice self-compassion. That way you’ll get the gist of what I’m talking about.
“This is what it is now.” This phrase is a shortcut to radical acceptance.
Naturally, you must first realize that you are suffering in some way. The word “suffering” can be misleading because it suggests conditions such as intense pain or illness. And while those may be included here, essentially “suffering” includes any experience that is unpleasant in some way.
Here are three examples from my own life of how this has helped me.
Example 1
I’m meditating and I happen to be very tired and I’m drifting in and out of dreams.
Now, anyone who has meditated for a long time knows that you should just accept that distractions and drowsiness will occur. Sure, you can try to stay awake, but just because you’re tired doesn’t mean you’re struggling.
And I always thought otherwise. However, I realized that by saying, “This is what it is now,” I was able to free myself from subtle irritations that I wasn’t even aware of. That frustration seems to be tied to an immediate reflex: “I have to stay awake!”
When you say to yourself, “This is what it is like right now,” you no longer make a conscious effort to stay awake. I am grateful for the time to just be aware.
Strangely enough, I can’t sleep anymore than before. “Trying to stay awake” is like nothing is actually happening anyway.
It brings me more peace. You no longer feel like falling asleep is a bad thing. (Still I don’t succumb to sleep. Strange!)
I now find myself completely content with the situation that I am meditating, and sometimes I even fall asleep.
Even as I write this, I know it sounds like I’m just giving in to sleep. But that’s not the case. I guess it only sounds that way to me because this subtle effort has been part of my makeup routine for a long time.
Example 2
As I meditate, my youngest dog starts licking my hand. My other two dogs tend to ignore me when I meditate, but my youngest dog gets a little clingy. And she’s a licker. The only time other dogs lick me while meditating is if I’m forced to lie down and meditate, but I don’t mind. But there’s something disgusting about the way Pippa licks me. It’s slimy. I think it’s annoying. I get irritated with her. I just want you to stop doing that!
So, if you say, “This is what it looks like now,” it will immediately stop bothering you when you lick it. It’s still unpleasant, but it’s okay to remain unpleasant.
A whole layer of reaction is removed and you can sit with equanimity. I don’t care if you keep licking or not.
Example 3
I’m sad that I can’t handle it for some reason. Of the three examples listed here, this one may be the most serious. Because sadness can last for a long time and after a while it can start to turn into depression.
But when I say to myself, “This is how I feel now,” I immediately feel like a weight has been lifted. The sad feelings are still there, but they are very calm and I can live happily with them. It doesn’t bother me at all, just a dull pain.
As grief continues, unconscious reactions and resistance may return. Then I tell myself that this is the situation. And each time, there is a feeling of a weight being lifted.
Anyway, I found this to be a very useful tool. I have recommended it to many of my meditation students. This is not a new tool. In fact, I wrote about this eight years ago.
Saying, “This is how things are right now” corresponds to the first three steps of my self-compassion process. 1) Recognize that suffering exists, 2) Let go of the story, and 3) Look at and accept painful emotions. The acceptance stage is most similar, but it also includes the first two stages.
The fourth step in the process is to offer kindness and reassurance to the part of us that is suffering. Normally you didn’t need to do this. The words “This is how it is now” probably give a sense of security.
So, as I always do, I’m throwing this out into the world. I hope you, too, find this a useful shortcut to alleviating suffering.
Wildmind is a community-supported meditation initiative. Click here to see the many benefits of becoming a sponsor.
