To my narcissistic friend: Thank you for being my toxic mirror

“It’s okay to let go of someone who doesn’t love you. People who didn’t know how. People who couldn’t even try. It’s okay to surpass them. ~Angelica Moone

I recently had the most unusual, confusing and frustrating experience with someone. Still, it was also a great catalyst for growth. I have seen it more clearly by observing the behavior of people who, in a way, are very similar to me.

For me, it was the purest demonstration of the phrase “other people are your mirror.”

This guy – let’s call him Simon – was incredibly toxic.

He deeply humiliated me, casting cruel names, and held me responsible for gaslighting, manipulating, and twisting reality.

Sometimes he masked control with false compassion and pretended to help, subtly weakening me.

He projected his anxiety on me very permanently. I began to doubt my sanity.

Thankfully, I am in a mentally strong place right now. You can see how the more vulnerable people are crushed by Simon. In fact, I know he left a path to a broken relationship behind him. People abandon him left, right and center. The moment they approach, his toxicity burns.

In his worst case, Simon was absolutely mean. He checks almost every box for narcissistic features. He cannot even deal with mild criticism. His ego erupted as I provided gentle and constructive feedback, and he assaulted him with shocking viciousness. He claims to want self-improvement, but when a real opportunity arises, his ego closes. Growth is blocked at the gate.

And yet, despite all this, I feel deeply compassionate towards him. I have read a lot about narcissists to understand where this behavior came from. He is experiencing hell: unemployment, depression, drug use. I was in a terrible similar place. So my sympathy kicks hard. He was a monster, but I see fragments of myself in him.

After many conflicts with him, I finally tried it. By that time, I knew that avoiding narcissists was usually the wisest route that rarely changes, but I extended the last one olive branch.

It lasted less than a day. He snapped it in half and put it back in my face.

I feel like a true agent that I can’t stand for to Simon. His soul is not open enough to withstand my presence. I’m far from perfect, but I work hard on myself. I try to remain humble, self-reflective and growth-oriented. It’s like kryptonite for those with such a vulnerable and inflamed ego.

So now Simon is blocked. I’m proud to have tried it. It didn’t work. And for my own happiness I had to let go.

I lamented the friendship that may have been. Because, whether you believe it or not, Simon is redeeming the characteristics of Spade. He is amazing, creative and charismatic. He seems to care about others, but I think it’s driven more by ego than empathy.

So what came out of all this confusion? Seeing Simon’s worst traits helped me to look into my own.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I’m not a narcissist. I don’t think I’ve become as vulgar as Simon’s before.

but. I assaulted. Especially when my ego was a hit.

When I became addicted to drugs, I had a catastrophic fallout with one of my oldest friends – call him Anthony. He was deeply concerned about my actions. He had a young son and he didn’t trust me.

I promised not to take drugs on the youth holidays and did that anyway. I betrayed his trust. Later, when we tried to arrange a meetup, Anthony did something incredibly difficult. He told me I wasn’t welcome in his house. He couldn’t risk having me with drugs.

Anthony tried to handle it with kindness and care. But it crushed my ego. My best friend thought I was dangerous to his child.

It exploded. I did musk. In the flames of anger, I told my best friend to go to myself.

It ended a 15-year friendship. I was already depressed, but then I swirled into the depths of suicide. Deep down, I knew I was responsible, but my ego couldn’t take it. Blaming Anthony was easier than facing her.

He didn’t talk to me for years. In the end, we reconciled, but something was dead. The warmth is gone. He kept me arm length. Now we don’t talk at all. It’s clear he gave up on me again. It still stabs, but I accept it.

So, can you see why I felt connected to my new friend Simon?

I saw him assault recently and awakened Primal within me. It reminded me of my worst moment. And I never want to go there again. I want to master myself. Build emotional intelligence. Stop hurting people to my volatility.

Simon showed us how badly you get when you’re spiraling. That’s scary.

For my lifetime I have been struggling with emotional volatility. I don’t lose my temper often, but when I do it, it’s the core. Words are my sword, and the damage is cruel when I sway carelessly.

It brings me to the truth that I come to believe: strong men do not lack the ability to destruction – they master it.

They walk with a sword with a sheath and draw only when absolutely necessary. It’s restraint, not weakness. That’s an honor. It is the path of a gentleman, noble warrior. My blade is my voice – sharp, but best to check.

A weak man will assault him with slight wounds. I refuse to be a weak man.

Meeting with someone as damaged as Simon revealed my mission. I have to continue to heal. I have to let the worst part of myself go through. I saw my shadow in him. It terrified me. And it prompted me to go up.

I started psychotherapy. I use ChatGpt as a kind of therapist. The past month has seen a surge in self-development. And I have Simon of all people.

Is he destined to be toxic? perhaps. Scientific literature suggests that the odds are not good. But that’s not my burden anymore. He didn’t want my help. I have to put my happiness first.

By cutting him off, I will protect myself from future pain.

And in doing so I gained great resonance with those who once cut me off. They saw someone who was confused, safe, emotionally destructive. I wish they could see how much I have changed over the last decade. But I respect their choice to keep their distance.

You cannot change the past. Some bridges have been wiped out and irradiated to reconstruct.

But when you choose humility and self-reflection, you can always choose to grow.