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“Finally, I realized I never asked for too much. I just asked the wrong person.” ~Unknown
Friendship should feed the soul. And in my life, that’s what happens most of the time. I have a small circle of friends that goes back a long way, steeped in shared history. We’re basically John Hughes’ real-life movies spanning 35 years.
But sometimes a disguised hornet comes into my life and stings.
He was one of them. Terrible sting.
love bombing
As soon as I got to know him, I felt great.
I was still reeling from the after-effects of living with an abusive man who died a few months after I finally escaped. Emotionally raw, my nervous system felt like it was getting third-degree burns from being rubbed with a Brillo pad.
But what about this new friend? he felt safe. Quiet. Peaceful.
He wanted to see me multiple times a week. He introduced me to his child. We watched TV, went out for drinks, went out to dinner, and lived a comfortable routine. His good morning text comforted my sleepy eyes.
It felt good. Really good.
Until it doesn’t.
A bouquet of red flags? For me?
Little things started happening that didn’t quite fit together.
He started badmouthing people in our mutual friend group. If he’s talking about them this way, what is he saying about me? Then I’ll dismiss it. No, Jennifer. He’s a good friend.
Once, when I asked him to repay me money I owed him, I received a semi-scathing email accusing me of not being a “real friend” because “real friends” don’t expect repayment. Am I here to supplement your income?
You would think at that point I would have walked away for good. No, not completely.
Without communication, there is no friendship.
Instead, I drank too much one night and started flirting with him. (Please stop judging me.)
It made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to talk about it. I asked if I could come and talk for a bit. he refused. He was “too busy gardening.”
right. Gardening. Understood.
Good morning emails have stopped. The invitation to go out has disappeared.
A few days later I texted her and said, “Are you mad at me? We see each other all the time and we haven’t heard from each other.”
His answer: “I’m not upset.” No explanation. No details.
5 weeks have passed. silence. Crickets.
And it hurt more than I expected. I have hospitalized someone after a traumatic experience. I wanted to be vulnerable, open, and trust again. But that friendship existed only under his conditions. Everything was fine until I asked for emotional responsibility.
Inside Jobs and Inconvenient Truths
After doing a lot of inner work, I realized it hurt. It’s that I have a pattern of projecting qualities onto people that they simply don’t have. I want people to be kind, emotionally intelligent, and loyal. So that’s how I make it in my heart.
But people are who they are and that’s not how I want them to be.
And for my own well-being, that pattern had to end.
Not everyone is ready for the job. That’s fine. I am solely responsible for my own healing, boundaries, and growth.
Every individual has the right to be noticed, heard, and valued in any relationship, be it romantic, family, work, or platonic. To be recognized as a complete human being with thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Our voices and demands should be respected and celebrated. Without this foundation of trust, emotional safety, and genuine connection, we begin to feel invisible, undermined, or invalidated.
And sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to leave a space that no longer aligns with who we are.
It’s not about giving up on people too quickly, but recognizing when staying would be a silent betrayal of our own needs.
Farewell to self-esteem
So how did I move forward?
After realizing the deeper truth that I had lived in a place of no value for too long and had been manipulated and emotionally abandoned so many times, I decided to no longer chase breadcrumbs and worked hard at setting clear boundaries. And if they are not respected, give yourself permission to walk away.
And I walked away from him. I turned down his advances and went on a digital detox by deleting all my phone numbers, photos, and threads. Unfollow. Unfollow. Unfollow.
And none of it came from a place of anger or malice, but from a place of peace. A place of self-respect.
After all, we teach others how to treat themselves within the limits of what we tolerate. And sometimes walking away is the most powerful way to make yourself seen and heard above all else.
Before I met him, I was perfect. And even after we said goodbye, I was fine.
last note
Not all friends intend to stay. Not all connections feed the soul.
Some buzz for a little while, sting quickly, and then buzz right back.
What about the lesson? To stop myself from getting stung over and over again.
About Jennifer Tomlin
Jennifer is an advertising copywriter with over 25 years of experience in creative services and corporate communications. I love animals, coffee, music, and live just outside of Philadelphia. Contact Jennifer at jennifertomlinwrites.com.
