You are at a team meeting about new product launches and things start to get messy. The group believes speed is the most important thing. “Let’s get out there and fix it later.” The other half declares quality. “If I don’t get it now, I’ll regret it.”
The voices grow louder, people move to their seats, and that happens. Someone folds her arm, slightly separates from the group and stops eye contact. Another shook her head and let out that sharp sigh we all know well. A sense of impending fate rises.
What seemed to be a brief discussion about “best way forward” was really the stress of walking into the room and taking over it. The room is divided into two emotionally rather than physically. It is clear that no one is shaking, and the meeting ends with a prolonged heat. Real work doesn’t happen now.
The next morning, when everyone was calm enough to try again, the team sat and walked around again. What happened here and what do we do about it?
Stress changes the conversation
When stress levels rise, our nervous system does exactly what it is designed for. It protects us. The problem is that the same instinct shuts down the parts of our brain that we need most. It helps us listen, empathize and solve problems. Suddenly, the problem is no longer about the product. It’s about frustration, hurt, or the need for the right thing.
Honestly, in the midst of a hot exchange, empathy is usually the first thing on the door.
Researchers tell us that stress affects not only our bodies, but also how we perceive and interact with each other. That’s why I feel that so many conflicts “exploded out of nowhere.” It’s not the discord of opinion itself, but the underlying stress is hidden.
All-People Lens
When we approach conflict from a first person perspective and use a mindful, emotionally intelligent approach, it can advance our humanity and establish a solid foundation. for example:
Mindfulness helps you read the room with the consciousness of yourself and others, and you notice reactivity before it takes over. Emotional intelligence gives them the tools to recognize and respond to the emotions they come out of, rather than responding.
With these ideas in mind, looking at conflict through different lenses will not be easy, but it will become more feasible.
Easy place to get started
In these circumstances, the natural human impulse is to protect your side, judge the intelligence of the other side, or to shut it down completely. However, if you can pause, you can find space to engage in different ways, even for just a few seconds. Ask yourself:
What’s behind this? Is this really about speed and quality, or do you feel you don’t feel worthy or heard? Is it about something from home or is it unrelated to the meeting? How do I feel? Are you irritated? Did you ignore it? Maybe a little embarrassing? Naming emotions can calm the nervous system and do a more clear job. What do I need? Maybe it’s an opportunity to speak without clarity, respect, or interruption. What do they need? This is where compassion comes back. Also, where is the shared ground? In the product examples, both sides wanted success. They defined it differently. Naming that shared goal is the first step to moving forward.
Things to keep in mind
If you find yourself in a situation like this in a meeting, in a family, or in your community, here are some thoughts to carry with you:
Stress is not the enemy, and uncontrolled stress is. Discovering it early will change the entire conversation. And we can take a little time to reset. Conflict cannot make you a bad leader, colleague, or partner. It makes you human. We are all human. A 5-second reflection can be the difference between an explosion and a breakthrough. EMOTIONS is information. They have no problem hiding, or they are wrong, they are signals to pay attention. Resolution does not always mean a match. Sometimes success is simply paving a way of being clear, mutually respected and moving forward and stagnating.
Conflicts are not always completely negative
Conflicts are what strengthen the team if they have the tools and space to work with it instead of fighting them.
The next time the tension burns, you can pause and say, “What’s really driving in this moment? Is it a table issue or the stress behind it?” That simple question can open the door to a completely different outcome.
