“The only journey is the inner journey.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Navigating life after divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it also included the best gift I’ve ever received. My entire world was shaken and rearranged. In addition to divorce, this upheaval included losing her career and becoming a nearly single parent.
I had the opportunity to build something new, authentic, and fresh from the rubble of my old life. Divorce was a painful gateway to powerfully reclaiming myself and my life. Through the process of rebuilding, I discovered strength and clarity in ways I never expected.
Before my divorce, I always felt anxious and was stuck in a constant cycle of thinking that I could be happier and that the problem was me, him, or us. For about five years, I was stuck in a difficult situation where I thought, “It’s not bad enough to quit, but it’s not good enough to stay.”
My then-husband asked, “Why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?” The question hit me like a punch in the gut. Why couldn’t it? I always questioned myself and my worth.
Looking back now, I see that was the wrong question. My husband at the time was almost deflecting away from the issues I raised with him, insisting that I was forever unhappy as a sort of default. But it was true that I had some inner work to do, and it was up to me to decide what made me happy.
I tried everything to repair myself and my marriage: therapy, couples counseling, countless self-help books, coaching, and more. But feelings of isolation remained, especially when it came to parenting, community, and spirituality.
The main challenges that made my marriage very unsatisfying for me were money, sex, emotional connection, and identity. The first three did not share the same values and there was always friction. But underlying this disconnect in the relationship was the fact that my identity had been swallowed up.
At first he joined our company, which was his dream, but I worked tirelessly in the company and then took on the role of a mother. But who was I, just to me? That was a better question.
Ultimately, what gave me the strength to end my marriage was based on knowing who I really am and believing that what is best for me is also best for everyone in my life. , was about giving myself permission to want what I want. I believe that all the self-help and self-care models I have tried have contributed to this realization.
I had to believe that I could be independent, and it was scary. But as I started taking small steps, each step gave me the energy to keep moving forward, even the hardest steps. I began to rebuild something new, real and genuine.
Of course, it’s impossible to boil down more than five years of journey into simple steps or “latest” tips. But I’d like to narrow it down to six key insights that got me through, in hopes that it will inspire others too.
These are the six steps I took to use my divorce as a gateway to reclaiming my true self.
1. I gave myself permission to want what I wanted.
For a long time, I didn’t even know what I wanted. It was buried under years of trying to make everything work and thinking about what other people wanted. It felt scary and uncomfortable to give myself permission to truly pursue my desires, but once I did, everything started to change.
I admitted to myself that I was ambitious, wanted my own business, and was not satisfied with playing the important support role of the family business. I revealed a secret longing I had for an exciting, equal romantic partnership where I would feel seen and valued for the insight, fun, and hard work I bring to my relationship.
The first step in regaining my identity was to become aware of what I wanted and to voice out the closed-off longings swirling deep within my heart in firm words.
2. I have identified my core values.
I took some time to reflect on what is truly important to me. Somewhere along the way, I merged my values with my husband and his family. I had to reevaluate what was truly mine. This meant questioning everything from how I approach money to what emotional connection means to me.
My core personal values of wholeheartedness and a sense of adventure were not ingrained in my career or present in my daily life. There was nothing inherently dishonest about my life with my husband, but our family wasn’t living as honestly as I had hoped.
When I was able to let go of values that no longer represented me, I made room to discover my true values that I had suppressed.
3. I overcame old beliefs that were keeping me stuck.
The old stories that kept me out of my marriage for so long didn’t disappear overnight. It took time to unpack them and let go of the guilt, fear, and limiting beliefs that were holding me back.
I was particularly obsessed with the belief that I was responsible for everyone’s emotions and coping abilities, even older adults. Even after we broke up, I still felt responsible for how my ex-husband was coping and the choices he made. But as I began to overcome these mental obstacles (many of which were newly emerging from my subconscious), I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t experienced in years.
4. I forced myself to dream big, even if it felt impossible.
I was in the middle of a separation and was overwhelmed with difficult decisions about childcare, finances, and legal matters. Even thinking about dreams felt silly, but doing so gave me momentum. Dreaming big has given me a vision of a brighter future and a life where I can be myself. So my message to you is, even when life feels heavy, allow yourself to dream.
5. I set boundaries both internally and externally.
Learning to set boundaries, especially internal boundaries, helped me protect my energy and focus on rebuilding my life. Whether it was saying “no” to things that drained me or distancing myself from unhealthy dynamics, boundaries were important to maintaining the new connections I made with my authentic self. The new connections were soft and needed protection.
6. I took small, empowering actions.
While dreaming big was the most important step, taking small actions was the only way to truly feel like things were possible and manageable. Every small action creates a ripple effect and I was amazed at how much I was able to accomplish by starting small.
For example, I wanted to be financially free, but this was a multi-layered goal that took years. So I started with a one-year goal to read six financial literacy books and create a budget. I took small steps to read for 5 minutes a day and track my current expenses in a spreadsheet. I tracked my progress on a daily habit tracker.
I knew that for my big dream of finding an equal partner, I needed to be grounded and confident, so I decided to meditate for 10 minutes a day. Of course, I had to make other big leaps along the way, but those small daily habits really changed me. Now I easily read and meditate for hours a day and enjoy it, but I remember when I first started, even five minutes felt like a struggle.
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It took me many years, almost a decade, to look back and finally understand the steps I took to get to where I am today. For anyone reading this who is working towards divorce, I hope it doesn’t take too long. Please use it according to your own situation. I hope it serves as a reminder that even if the journey is difficult, there is immense strength, growth, and renewal on the other side. Please go get it!
About Vanessa Gladden
Vanessa is a life coach for women rebuilding their lives after divorce. Her mission is to guide women through the post-divorce changes they face, help them find clarity and direction, and develop a plan so they can live with confidence and be excited about their futures again. If you want to learn more about the changes Vanessa faced in her life, get our free guide to navigating 5 major life changes after divorce.
