“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we can write the ending.” ~ Brené Brown
Do you ever feel like a character in someone else’s play, or for that matter, a victim in your own story?
That’s how I spent many years of my life. I was so obsessed with what others thought of me that I didn’t even know how to be myself. I was going to put on a show that other people wanted to see. I learned that I don’t have to perform in life. We just have to be ourselves. Speaking openly and honestly from the heart is our most valuable tool for living an authentic life.
As a child, I was a “sensitive” child. I was often ridiculed for simply having feelings. I quickly learned how to shut down my mind, numb it, and medicate it.
I started struggling with anxiety and depression. I didn’t really know what this was until things got more out of hand. I tried to talk about how I felt, but I was often questioned and avoided. Eventually, these feelings manifested into a fairly serious eating disorder.
No one recognized my eating disorder because being thin was the “problem”. But to put it into perspective, I was logging 500 calories a day, exercising 1-2 hours a day, and expelling everything I put into my body.
I was asked about this by two friends when I was in college. I remember feeling relieved and at the same time thinking, “I got it.” From my perspective at the time, I thought I was functioning well in life. I was going to school, working full time, and maintaining friendships and new relationships.
Even during this intervention, I found myself justifying my actions. Remember, they were only asking me about my eating disorder, not about my daily binge drinking habits.
Fast forward five years. Before I knew it, we got divorced less than a year after we got married. Before my divorce, I hid the fact that I drank a bottle of wine a night. I was functioning in some areas of my life, but falling apart in all other areas.
Surprisingly, my addiction pattern did not affect my career. I was leading a double life, providing therapy to others and mostly treading water privately.
In 2010, I got my first drunk driver. I didn’t really do anything to rehabilitate myself from this. And I hid it as best I could, hoping it would go away. But experiences tend to be repeated until we learn what we need to learn. In 2013, I got drunk and drove for the second time. After that, I did some rehab, but I still couldn’t stop drinking. I just don’t drive after drinking alcohol.
I paid $10,000 in legal fees simply to try to plead not guilty even though I was clearly guilty. This was a very moral conflict for me.
I applied for a therapy license in 2016 and was denied approval. While I was honest with the board about my recent DUI, they learned that I had been dishonest with my current employer about my first DUI. My integrity was completely destroyed. I was thought to be a liar. I was exhausted from living a double life.
When the board revealed the truth, I felt both shame and relief. They showed me that my insides didn’t match my outsides.
At that moment, I swore to myself that I would never hide the truth again. That day, I gave up drinking and have been sober for eight years now.
Recovery has taught me to be honest and focus on doing the next right thing. So I became brutally honest in all aspects of my life. What’s more, I realized that even if people were uncomfortable with what I said, it wasn’t my problem. I started to realize that everyone had problems. I also learned that being open and honest is a blessing. Because doing so creates room for others to do the same.
I was often told I was brave and courageous, but I was just tired of being dishonest. I was healing out loud because I was dying in silence.
Once I decided to be honest, my life became better. I no longer needed to remember my story. All my shame went away and I was able to start making better life choices. People around me respected me more for owning my story. If you tell the truth, no one can disagree with you. I lost my power. The best thing was that I started attracting beautiful, like-minded people.
Many people struggle with authenticity and truth-telling because they cling to the fear of being judged. However, sharing your truth also unlocks potential for self-growth, discovery, and connection. This can lead to deep personal change and the development of more meaningful relationships with others.
This is a game changer. You can say what you want, ask for what you need, express your emotions, and celebrate your accomplishments. Each time you do so, you expand your sense of confidence, growth, and joy. Soon, your vulnerability will be seen as a strength rather than a weakness.
You have the power to change your life one step at a time. If you’re brutally honest, here’s what happens.
Self-acceptance/authenticity
You will learn to no longer run away from the painful parts of your story. Your story may be the hope someone needs. You don’t have to live a double life, changing hats depending on who’s around you. You can just be yourself.
empowerment
You can use your past experiences to acquire autonomy and the right to self-determination. You will be able to provide tools and resources to help others do the same.
resilience/growth
Continue to strengthen your internal muscles to adapt and recover from difficult life experiences. Unless you overcome difficulties, you will not have the strength to bounce back.
connection
Your relationships will move from surface level to deeper emotional connections. You can share your feelings, take initiative by being vulnerable, and gain a stronger understanding of others.
inspire others
You lead by example. You will be able to influence and create a positive environment. This can be contagious and encouraging to others. You may be a catalyst for positive change.
Life is a collection of stories, each of us uniquely created through our experiences, challenges, and choices. Your story reflects your journey. This means wins, losses, and everything in between.
Owning your story can be daunting because it requires that vulnerability. There is a need to reflect on the past, which may be unpleasant or painful. You have to look at your mistakes, your choices, your imperfections. This goes against a culture that often emphasizes perfection and success. Additionally, sharing your story means potentially being judged or rejected by others.
But by accepting your past, you can shape your own story. You can turn adversity into strength. You can realize your worth by forgiving yourself and being more tolerant of others. You learn to love yourself and appreciate your mistakes for what they taught you.
Instead of trying to be all things to all people, give the most precious gift of all: your true self.
“Taking responsibility for our stories and loving ourselves throughout the process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” ~ Brené Brown
About Lauren Inpreme
Lauren is a therapist specializing in co-occurring disorders. She helps people process shame and pain, helps stop self-defeating patterns, and helps others build resilience and hope. You can find her here on Psychology Today.
