Integrity: How to live as a human being

When we hear the word “integrity,” we usually think of morality, being good, and doing the right thing. This word actually means something simpler and more difficult. It comes from being an integer, meaning whole, complete, and undivided. Integrity is the state of being a person rather than multiple people, and a state in which your outer life and inner life are so aligned that you can look in the mirror and recognize who is there.

Most of us are familiar with the opposite feeling: the low-grade exhaustion of managing different versions of ourselves. One for work, one for family, and one for the people you want to impress, all slightly out of sync. Integrity is the slow work of collapsing them and bringing them back together. It’s more real than impressive, and the relief cannot be overstated.

Integrity means wholeness, not perfection

This is an important reframing. You don’t have to be perfect or a saint to live authentically. It requires making adjustments to close the gap between what you say you value and what you actually do. A complete person who admits his mistakes has more integrity than a sophisticated person who hides it.

The rewards are not only moral but also practical. When your actions and values ​​align, your decisions become clearer, you don’t waste your energy on internal conflicts, and you develop a kind of self-trust that no amount of external approval can provide. It also eliminates the need to remember which version of yourself is supposed to be in a particular room. We’ve been wrestling with our own versions of this in public, around things like judicial integrity and team values.

If you have 20 minutes, Caroline McHugh’s talk about the art of being yourself is the best I’ve found about what wholeness actually feels like.

First, know what you actually value

You cannot align yourself with values ​​that you have never named. A useful starting point is the VIA classification of character strengths developed by Chris Peterson, Martin Seligman, and a large team of researchers. It maps 24 strengths, including honesty, curiosity, kindness, and perseverance, and most of us have a few “signature” strengths that we feel are core to who we are. Knowing yourself gives you a needle on your inner compass.

Aristotle added a crucial wrinkle. Virtue is not just something you have, but something you apply in the right amount. He called it the golden mean. Excessive courage becomes reckless. Too little and it becomes cowardly. Honesty without kindness becomes cruel. Integrity is not about maximizing virtue. It is important to express it well at the right time and at the right scale.

And evaluating yourself according to your own values ​​is better than evaluating yourself according to someone else’s values. This is a trap we wrote about as a social comparison.

Next, check your own blind spots

The hard truth about wholeness is that you cannot see everything about yourself. The Johari Window, a 1950s model, clearly illustrates this. There are things about you that both you and others know, things that you hide, things that neither of you have yet discovered, and, most troublesome of all, blind spots, things that are clearly visible to others but invisible to you.

Those blind spots are where integrity quietly leaks out. While you value being a good listener, you can often interrupt someone without realizing it. The only way to reduce your blind spots is to seek feedback from people you trust and be open when it actually hurts. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s the quickest way to bridge the gap between who you want to be and who you actually are. Our reflection cards are one low-risk way to start those conversations.

Simple code that you can put into practice

If you want something more portable than philosophy, Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements is better than any code I’ve found.

Make sure your words are impeccable. Speak true and kind things, including to yourself.

Don’t take anything personally. What other people do is usually about your world, not yours.

Don’t guess. Ask questions instead of trying to come up with answers.

Always do your best. Your best will vary from day to day, and that’s okay. Effort is the key.

None of this is easy. All of them, with practice, bring your outer behavior closer to your inner values, and that’s the whole game.

the only judge that matters

In 1934, Dale Winbrow wrote a poem called “The Man in the Glass,” which lasted longer than any other poem from that year. It’s about who really gets to judge life.

Because it’s not your father, mother, or wife.
Who shall judge you?
Logger whose verdict is most important in your life
Is the man staring at you through the glass?
You can fool the whole world for years,
And when you pass, I ask you to pat me on the back.
But the final reward will be heartache and tears.
What if I tricked the man in the glass?

Simply put, it is honesty. You can deceive others for a long time. You can’t fool the person in the mirror. And that person’s opinion will live with you. Integrity is not a destination. It’s a daily practice of making small choices between who you really are and who you think you should be.

go deeper together

It’s one thing to read about integrity. You’ll be more likely to stick to it if you practice with others who are working on it as well.

Integrity is one of the 12 themes of our annual Holsti membership, The Flourishing Life, along with intention, kinship, and gratitude. Over the course of a year, our communities will move through all 12 communities together, allowing you to join at any time and focus on what you need most right now. Each theme has a little curriculum, and your fellow members work on it with you, and there are live conversations to make it happen. It’s not for everyone, but it might be for you if you’ve read this far.

FAQ

What is integrity?
Integrity means living in alignment with your values ​​so that your actions are consistent with your beliefs. The word comes from whole number and means whole or undivided. Integrity is more than just honesty or morality; it is the state of being a single, consistent person rather than multiple competing selves.

What is the difference between honesty and integrity?
Honesty means telling others the truth. Integrity is broader. It means that your entire life, your choices, your words, and your private actions are consistent with your values, whether someone is watching or not. Honesty is one important expression of integrity, but integrity also includes self-honesty and consistency over time.

How do I find my core values?
First, name your character strengths – the qualities you think are most important to who you are, such as honesty, kindness, curiosity, courage, etc. Frameworks like the VIA Character Strengths Survey can help. Next, notice which values ​​you keep returning to in your actual decision-making. It’s not something you think you should hold on to, it’s your authenticity.

Does living honestly mean being perfect?
No, integrity does not mean perfection, it means wholeness. It means admitting mistakes, staying aligned with your values, and coming back when you slip up, rather than trying to live up to a perfect image. People who honestly admit their faults are often more honest than people who hide them.

What are the four agreements?
According to Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, the Four Agreements are simple rules for living authentically. Be true to your word, never take anything personally, never make assumptions, and always do your best. When practiced consistently, it helps align your daily actions with your deeper values.

Why is honesty important for happiness?
Living in alignment with your values ​​reduces the internal conflict and fatigue of maintaining different personas, freeing up your energy for what’s important. Research has linked it to increased life satisfaction, stronger relationships, and increased resilience. It also builds lasting self-confidence, a sense of being at home within yourself that external validation cannot provide.

michael radpulver
Co-founder of Holsti

FAQ

What is integrity?

Integrity means living in alignment with your values ​​so that your actions are consistent with your beliefs. The word comes from whole number and means whole or undivided. Integrity is more than just honesty or morality; it is the state of being a single, consistent person rather than multiple competing selves.

What is the difference between honesty and integrity?

Honesty means telling others the truth. Integrity is broader. It means that your entire life, your choices, your words, and your private actions are consistent with your values, whether someone is watching or not. Honesty is one important expression of integrity, but integrity also includes self-honesty and consistency over time.

How do I find my core values?

First, name your character strengths – the qualities you think are most important to who you are, such as honesty, kindness, curiosity, courage, etc. Frameworks like the VIA Character Strengths Survey can help. Next, notice which values ​​you keep returning to in your actual decision-making. It’s not something you think you should hold on to, it’s your authenticity.

Does living honestly mean being perfect?

No, integrity does not mean perfection, it means wholeness. It means admitting mistakes, staying aligned with your values, and coming back when you slip up, rather than trying to live up to a perfect image. People who honestly admit their faults are often more honest than people who hide them.

What are the four agreements?

According to Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, the Four Agreements are simple rules for living authentically. Be true to your word, never take anything personally, never make assumptions, and always do your best. When practiced consistently, it helps align your daily actions with your deeper values.

Why is honesty important for happiness?

Living in alignment with your values ​​reduces the internal conflict and fatigue of maintaining different personas, freeing up your energy for what’s important. Research has linked it to increased life satisfaction, stronger relationships, and increased resilience. It also builds lasting self-confidence, a sense of being at home within yourself that external validation cannot provide.