Self-esteem and self-compassion: understanding the difference

A concrete understanding of self-worth and self-compassion is something that can be achieved through the practice of awareness and mindfulness. Distinguishing between the two is the key to living with true confidence and security.

Indeed, we are our biggest critics. The human mind is genetically predisposed to notice problems and tend to be very self-critical. On some level, this helps us grow. However, constant self-judgment can do more harm than good.

Usually, we correct our lack of self-confidence by trying to increase our self-esteem. Keep reading and you’ll see why self-compassion is actually much more effective when you recognize yourself as worthy of loving-kindness.

When we distinguish between self-compassion and self-esteem, it helps us understand what self-compassion actually is. It is not self-care or self-love, although they may be included in expressions of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the act of mindfully dealing with one’s own suffering. In some cases, understanding compassion can be made easier by interacting with others. When you see someone hurting, a compassionate response includes wishing that person relief from their pain and acting to help them do so. Wanting others to feel better is compassion. We can do the same for ourselves.

Giving yourself compassion requires three key ingredients. First, we must become aware of our own discomfort, pain, and suffering. Second, we realize that this pain is not just for us because we are bad or unworthy. Rather, it is a common human condition. Finally, we extend loving-kindness to ourselves as we would to others.

Most of us are in the habit of being hard on ourselves, especially in the most difficult moments. When faced with discomfort or pain, we may feel guilt or shame. We may say harsh words to ourselves that are self-blaming, self-critical, or self-judgmental. But reacting to hurt in this way will only make you feel worse.

Doing this repeatedly can lead to deep self-loathing, depression, and anxiety about making mistakes or not being liked. You can turn this situation around by learning to replace self-punishing behaviors with true self-compassion. When practiced, self-compassion can change our lives for the better.

Research supports the concept that there is a strong link between self-compassion and happiness. People who rank high in self-compassion have less depression, anxiety, stress, and suicidal thoughts.

Researchers commonly define self-esteem as “an overall sense of self-worth.” It is “the degree to which a person is judged to be competent in areas of life that are considered important.” Although high self-esteem was once thought to be a measure of psychological well-being, researchers today are not so sure. The disadvantages of pursuing high self-esteem can outweigh the benefits.

Self-esteem differs from self-compassion in that it depends on the stories and beliefs we have about ourselves, which may or may not be true. Furthermore, to express such valued emotions, we may rely on avoidance, external circumstances, and comparisons with others.

For example, we may ignore constructive negative feedback to protect our feelings of worth. We may become angry at someone who dares to point out our shortcomings or point out how we may have hurt the other person. Resisting taking responsibility for your actions only causes more harm and hinders personal growth and change.

Self-esteem not only arises based on how you view yourself, but it can also rise and fall based on how you perceive others and compare yourself. This also perpetuates harm. It keeps us in a paradigm where we have to be separated from others and seen as better than others in order to maintain a sense of self-confidence and worth.

According to mindfulness and self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., there’s a distinct difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. Self-esteem is positively associated with public self-consciousness, social comparison, anger, self-reflection, and even narcissism. Self-compassion, on the other hand, has stronger negative associations with each of these traits.

My self-esteem is unstable. It depends on our thought patterns and beliefs about external conditions. Therefore, maintaining high self-esteem is difficult. Self-compassion can be stabilized with practice. It doesn’t depend on us feeling unique or better than others. Self-compassion allows us to be happy with ourselves, even though we are human beings who are just as flawed as everyone else.

To understand the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem, let’s take another look at the definition of self-compassion. The following is based on Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and self-esteem.

Self-compassion is rooted in a willingness to accept the truth of this moment, even if it is painful. However, self-esteem depends on recognizing our beliefs about ourselves. Over-identification encourages us to look away when reality challenges those beliefs. It often closes our minds and prevents us from growing.

Self-compassion reminds us that our hardships are never something we can endure alone. As humans, we are all completely imperfect and it’s perfectly okay to make mistakes. Self-esteem relies on us feeling separate and special, which can make us feel alone. Measuring your worth in relation to others can also cause hurt.

Self-compassion prompts us to practice self-kindness. We try to give ourselves grace, say kind words to ourselves, and be close to our pain. Self-esteem, on the other hand, requires continuous self-judgment. As constant self-evaluation becomes pathological, we become more likely to slip into self-rumination.

The great thing about compassion is that it is omnidirectional. The more you practice self-compassion, the more you will be able to extend compassion to others, and vice versa. Self-compassion helps you deepen your empathy with others, foster deeper, more meaningful connections, and improve your relationships.

A 2021 meta-review of 72 research papers on self-compassion and relationships found that people with high levels of self-compassion were more likely to experience secure attachment. Higher self-compassion is associated with healthier friendships, families, and romantic relationships, and conflict is constructive and repairable.

Within families, evidence suggests that self-sympathetic parents are more willing to change their parenting behaviors to meet the needs of their children. Their children are also more likely to embody self-compassion.

Kristin Neff is a researcher in mindful self-compassion. Currently an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, Neff earned a bachelor’s degree in communication (1988) from the University of California, Los Angeles, and a doctorate in moral development from the University of California, Berkeley (1997). I’m getting it.

In 1997, Neff began practicing meditation in the Buddhist tradition. She decided to study self-compassion, a central concept in Buddhist psychology that had not yet been empirically examined.

In addition to her pioneering research on self-compassion, she has developed an eight-week program to teach self-compassion skills. This program was co-created with my colleague Chris Jarmer, a guest teacher on the Mindfulness Exercises Teacher Certification Program, and is called Mindful Self-Compassion. Her book, Self-Compassion, was published by William Morrow in April 2011.

The following video by Kristin Neff puts self-compassion and self-worth first. Neff explains why he prefers to do the former.

For many of us, self-compassion takes practice and discipline. It is common to encounter obstacles and challenges along the way. Obstacles to self-compassion can be overcome by reminding ourselves that we don’t have to do this perfectly or all at once.

The first step to developing self-compassion is accepting that you are hurt and have pain to work through. This alone is understandably very difficult for some people. With loving awareness, we can begin to bring mindfulness to the situations in which we are suffering.

It may help to remember that you don’t have to be happy all the time and that suffering is part of being human. Moreover, we don’t have to face our suffering head-on. We can accept our condition step by step, by gradually addressing what we are feeling and making adjustments in and out of practice.

Use the resources below to cultivate self-compassion instead of self-esteem. May we give ourselves grace in difficult times.

True self-esteem can be developed through honorable actions such as telling the truth, fulfilling promises, and serving others. However, research shows that cultivating self-esteem and self-compassion are less effective in making oneself feel valued and valued. When self-compassion increases, we are much more capable of maintaining a stable and positive view of our own intrinsic worth.