“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn
We often hear that storms are powerful forces of nature, but for many of us, the most violent storms are the quiet ones – the storms we fight in our hearts. For me, this storm took the form of bullying. I seemed to be dealing with the daily microaggressions and malicious rumors, but inside I was falling apart.
The bullying didn’t stop even in high school. It followed me into adulthood. Every time I thought I had weathered the storm, another wave of hurtful comments would come and leave me feeling trapped and helpless.
The constant gossip, whispers, and passive-aggressive comments from others damaged my self-esteem. I questioned my worth and wondered if I was worthy of receiving treatment. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me? Why did I become the target of this relentless negativity? These thoughts plagued me for years, leading to a cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of being judged.
At some point, the weight of all these emotions became unbearable and I sought counseling. The first time I learned about mindfulness was a practice that would change my life.
Mindfulness helped me face the storms I had been carrying inside me for years: shame, hurt, and loss of self-worth brought on by years of bullying and abuse. How this practice helped me heal and regain my self-worth, and how you can apply it to your own life if you have experienced bullying, abuse, or any form of emotional harm. I would like to introduce you to
How bullying and abuse lead to low self-esteem
Bullying and abuse don’t just hurt in the moment, they can have a lasting impact on how we see ourselves for years.
Whether it’s gossip, exclusion, or direct harassment, these experiences erode our self-esteem. We internalize the cruel words and actions of others and begin to question our own worth. Over time, we may begin to believe that we deserve the abuse or that there is something wrong with us.
This low self-esteem can affect every aspect of our lives, from relationships to careers. We may believe we are not good enough and avoid opportunities. We may believe we are unloved and have a hard time forming meaningful connections. The effects of abuse are severe, but it doesn’t have to define us.
Mindfulness, self-compassion, and community support can help you rebuild your sense of self. By acknowledging our pain, letting go of what we can’t control, and surrounding ourselves with people who uplift us, we regain our self-esteem and begin to realize that we are worthy of love, respect, and kindness. You can.
Acknowledge your pain and justify your feelings
For years I hid behind a mask of indifference. I told myself that bullying didn’t affect me. I didn’t want to give the bullies the satisfaction of knowing they had hurt me. But in reality, every cruel word, every whisper left a mark on my self-esteem. The more I bottled up my emotions, the more they fester and eroded my sense of self.
The first step in my healing journey was recognizing the pain and allowing myself to feel it. Through mindfulness, I have learned that running away from my emotions only gives them even more power over me. Instead, I had to sit with them and feel the sadness, frustration, anger, and betrayal. I had to allow myself to grieve the part of myself I lost to bullying. Only then could I begin to heal.
Tip: If you are struggling with emotions from past abuse, take a moment each day to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Don’t criticize yourself for feeling angry, sad, or resentful. Recognize these feelings and lean into them. By allowing yourself to feel, you can begin the healing process.
Take back control with mindful breathing
There were countless moments when I felt suffocated by the weight of gossip and harsh comments. I often felt helpless and spiraled into negative thoughts. Every time I walked into a room, I felt like everyone was judging me. I felt as if you were already forming an opinion about me based on a lie. I didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings of shame and fear.
Mindful breathing became my anchor. This is a simple yet profound technique that helps me focus in these overwhelming situations. Instead of letting my mind swirl, I learned to focus on my breathing. It was the only thing I could control, even if I couldn’t control rumors or the people who spread them. At times like these, mindfulness has given me back a sense of power and control over my emotional state.
Tip: The next time you start to feel anxious or fearful, focus on your breathing. Breathe deeply, paying attention to the air moving in and out of your body. This simple practice will bring you back to the present moment and give you a sense of calm and control when you need it most.
Build self-compassion to heal wounds
For a long time, I let other people’s words dictate how I saw myself. I believed that if so many people thought badly of me, it must be true, and I kept the bullying in my heart. I criticized myself relentlessly and was convinced that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or likable enough. The words of others became the lens through which I viewed myself.
Mindfulness taught me the importance of self-compassion. I realized that I was treating myself much worse than I would treat a friend in need. Through this practice, I learned to be kinder to myself, to approach myself with the same consideration and empathy I would give to others who are suffering. Slowly, I began to rebuild my worth based on how I chose to treat myself rather than what others thought of me.
Tip: Every day, write down three things you are grateful for about yourself. Whether it’s your strengths, your skills, or how you overcame a difficult moment, these small affirmations can help you regain your confidence. Self-compassion is a powerful defense against negative emotions, reminding us that we deserve kindness, especially from ourselves.
Practice letting go of things you can’t control
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that I can’t control how others perceive me. For years, I have tried to protect myself from rumors and correct false assumptions that people have about me. The more I tried to control the narrative, the more exhausted and frustrated I became. I realized that no matter what I do, some people will always look at me in a negative light, and it’s not my responsibility to fix it.
Mindfulness taught me that even though I can’t control the rumors, I can control my reaction to them. I learned to let go of my desire to be liked and understood. Instead, I focused on how I see myself and how I want to show up in the world. Letting go of what I can’t control frees me up to focus on what really matters: my own inner peace and self-worth.
Tip: Visualize hurtful words, or in my case hurtful people, like leaves gently flowing through a stream. Watch them pass by, acknowledge their presence, but resist the urge to hang on. Practicing this habit allows you to create emotional space and free yourself from being weighed down by things you can’t control.
find strength in community
Healing does not happen alone. Mindfulness was essential to my recovery, but finding support from others also played an important role. I isolated myself for many years. I was worried that opening up would make me even more susceptible to criticism. But through counseling and support groups, I found that sharing my experiences with people who understood helped lighten the burden I was carrying.
By opening up to trusted friends, seeking professional help, and connecting with a community of people who understand what I was going through, I was able to reclaim my voice. It helped me change the narrative that had been imposed on me, reclaim my own story, and see myself not as a victim of bullying, but as a person with the power to heal.
Tip: Don’t be afraid to ask others for help, whether it’s through counseling, support groups, or mindfulness communities. Finding a group that understands what you’re going through can provide both personal growth and emotional support, and remind you that you’re not alone.
Mindfulness is a lifelong practice
Recovering from abuse and regaining one’s worth is not an overnight process; it takes time. Mindfulness has been a cornerstone of my recovery and I continue to practice it every day. By incorporating mindfulness into my daily life, I have learned how to deal with emotional challenges with grace and resilience.
Tip: Start small. Whether it’s taking a few minutes to breathe consciously or recording your emotions in a journal, every step you take can help you regain control. Remember that you are stronger than the words that hurt you. With mindfulness, self-compassion, and a supportive community, you can reclaim your worth, one step at a time.
About Alicia Flemons
Alicia Flemons is a passionate school psychologist, advocate, and coach who embraces neurodivergent identities. She founded Neuro-Empowerment to foster vibrant communities and empower others through group and individual coaching. For more information, connect with her on Instagram at neuro.empower, visit www.neuro-empowerment or call (972) 944-5959.
