By Leo Babauta
A long-standing pet peeve of mine is people constantly complaining. I really hate that negative energy and tend to distance myself from complainers.
So I’ve been looking into this for the last few years and I’ve learned a lot about myself.
The first thing I realized is that I have a hard time dating complainers because it’s hard to love the parts of myself that complain.
So I have been learning to find the complainer within myself and pour love into that person. This is transformational! It means not having to complain, not having to feel burdened, not having to feel happy or grateful. It means giving myself permission to be who I am right now, which is sometimes full of complaints.
The second thing I learned is that you can transform a complaint by realizing that there are two parts to it.
A complaint is actually, in part, a request. Could you do this instead of that? When I complain about someone, there is an underlying request for them to do something different. By clarifying my request, I can actually make a direct and clear request. A complaint is also hurt. It’s not just a request. Because at the root of a complaint is that I’ve been hurt in some way. How I’ve been hurt isn’t always clear, even to myself, but there is a hurt somewhere. When I don’t like the way someone behaves, it’s usually because something about them annoys me or causes me pain.
So if we can understand these two parts of a complaint – the demand and the pain – we can transform the complaint.
First, can I address the hurt? That is, can I recognize the parts of myself that have been hurt by the other person’s actions (or the situation)? What can I do to help those parts of myself that have been hurt? For me, simply acknowledging it and offering it presence and love goes a long way. Sometimes I even tell the other person if I trust that they truly care about my pain.
By the way, when someone else is complaining (even if it’s about you), the first thing you should do is acknowledge their distress and show them that you care.
Second, you can find the need within your complaint. You can see what it is that you actually want the other person to change, or what you want to change about the situation. Then you can ask a question or take action. This can make you feel empowered.
If someone is unhappy, in addition to being sympathetic to their pain, it’s also a good idea to ask if there’s anything they’d like to do. Most people will resist this question because it feels safer to complain than to be vulnerable and ask, but you can still ask, “Of course, I know you don’t like that… and if you could change my behavior, what would you recommend?”
This holds the other person accountable for making a clear request. They may not comply, and that’s OK. But if they do, it’s a powerful one. Then you have to decide whether or not you want to comply with the request, but you don’t have to.
Addressing our own inner discontent (and the discontent of others) in this way not only helps us heal our wounds, but it also helps us find ways to take responsibility for creating something new.
How can we recognize our inner dissatisfaction and find effective ways to resolve it?
