“This is not where your story ends. It’s just where you need a turn you didn’t expect.” ~ Cheryl lost.
He had the courage to say things I couldn’t do.
“It’s not working anymore.”
It didn’t make sense that we were disbanding. We loved each other very much. We were talking about getting engaged. Our couple therapy was moving in a positive direction, even if it was really challenging.
When he said those words I knew I wasn’t going to argue with him. As long as we loved each other, we were in the best possible relationship.
But this is not a story about lost love. It’s about all the love you can find when it leaves.
We knew our relationship had been felt for a while.
Early the day before the farewell, when he went to the bar to watch a football game, I knelt down and prayed to be clear. I felt confused as to whether I should stay and fight for the relationship or if that was the time it was over.
Our relationship felt like a back and forth struggle for months. We had a long weekend trip to New Orleans to rekindle our sparks. But when we got home he was in my half marathon, a cheering section of my one and one cheering section, the next moment I was sitting in a parked car screaming at each other.
The moment I prayed for help, I knew the relationship needed to end. But I wanted to be honest and didn’t admit it to myself. I wasn’t ready to say those words out loud. I knew deeply that they were true, but I didn’t want them to be true.
A few hours later, he walked down the door and said, “I need to speak” a word no one wanted to hear.
And then we began a two-hour conversation about ending our relationship and celebrating what we shared together. We lived together for almost five years. And that’s over.
We had fun together and had undeniable chemistry, but our compatibility never matches. He had a lot of trauma from his past and when he recommended that he have his own life outside of the relationship, he asked me. He feared that if he was completely himself, I would scream and try to control him.
And I had my own problem, where I tried to twist myself to make myself the perfect girlfriend. In the end I got tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, but it seems he didn’t like who I really were. So I made myself as small as possible and made it happy to be accepted, but I struggled to become myself.
We seem to love each other and despite all our best efforts, we were able to bring out the worst from each other.
Loving someone is not always enough for a successful relationship. In our situation, we were truly one of each other’s biggest cheerleaders. And we hid our true selves because we wanted success and happiness from others.
I cannot speak for him, but I was afraid if I stepped into my full and powerful self and said I was too many. After he saw me about who I really was, I was afraid I might have been abandoned.
I’ve learned that it’s too late to make myself vulnerable and realistic. By the time I did it, our dynamic patterns were already established and the changes were too great. He responded in ways that reinforced my worst fears. I’m not loved, I’m asking too much, and my true self doesn’t deserve love.
I deeply regret not being myself from the first day of my relationship. But the pain of regret is a powerful teacher.
I don’t know if our relationship would have been different if I had been genuine from the start. Maybe it’s never started. Or maybe it would have been far away. There’s no way to know.
But that’s not a lingering question I’m willing to have in the future. I knew this relationship taught me that I was important and I had to learn how to become myself without a mask.
After that relationship ended, it took a lot of deep inner work to rebuild confidence. Even if you revealed who you were at the beginning of a relationship, you had to believe that it was okay no matter what happened.
I picked up myself after rejection and made me feel the truly creepy feelings I was trying to avoid, such as despair, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame.
One of the hardest parts of lamenting the breakup was that no one had done anything wrong. We had to learn to love each other and live in the paradox that breaking up is the right thing to do. I’ve learned that it’s enough to not want to be that relationship dynamic anymore.
Pain is here as our teacher. It appears to let us know what we should not do.
Most people want to run through the pain as quickly as possible. It’s not comfortable to allow the pain to be there without trying to make everything better.
However, there is a lot of wisdom to learn when you learn to sit and become friends with pain.
My pain showed me all the ways I avoid being with myself and all the ways I have already given up on myself. I blame everyone else for my problem and then complained to my friend on Rose’s glasses was very quick. I numbed the pain on wine, parties, hookups, nights with friends, on Netflix.
I now see that when I do it repeatedly, I am supposed to not receive the wisdom of pain. Instead, my life continues to give me the same lessons over and over until I am ready to learn it.
I signed up with a specific group of therapists, coaches and women. Each brought another way to lead me to a lesson that really avoided me:
If I don’t give up myself first, then no one can abandon me.
I had to learn to love everything about me. Even the part I think is worthless. And I haven’t written this because I’ve finished my studies and I understand it all. But I am willing to learn and try to put a little more affection every day.
I remember at the last moments of our time, I was at a retreat in Mexico with my group of women. For the first time I raised my hands in front of everyone to coach. I brought my most troublesome self and supported myself for shame.
Instead, I didn’t love being reflected in me as I looked into the eyes of the women around me and shared my most troublesome self.
My most troublesome self was lovable. I can take her. I don’t have to be perfect. There’s no need to show how others think I need. I can be just me.
Honestly, I’m still struggling with this. I’m still perfect and trying to understand it all. But I remember going back to my version in that relationship. She seems very different from today’s women. She works so hard to do what she should love, so I look at her with great care.
She doesn’t accept the truth that she is already adorable. And such love will always be sufficient for me. Loving yourself has peace and power.
If my ex hadn’t been broken with me, I wouldn’t think I would completely break myself and make myself vulnerable. And, although painful, I am forever grateful that he had enough courage to break my heart.
About Sarah Kelnolls
Sarah Curnoles is a life coach and speaker who is passionate about helping women regain their strength. Using a combination of compassion and tough love, she guides women, heals heartbreak and turns division into the best ever happening. Download her free breakup care kit here and check out her podcast Breakup Pep talk.
