“Life is a balance between holding on and letting go.” ~Rumi
A few months ago, someone I briefly dated seven years ago contacted me to apologize for his past behavior.
Many of us know how being haunted can evoke a mix of emotions: frustration, outbursts of anger, and an underlying feeling of utter helplessness. Of course, the degree of intensity will vary depending on the depth of the relationship and personal circumstances. This wasn’t a particularly heartbreaking incident, and in some ways the apology seemed like a step too far. I have forgiven and forgotten for a long time.
Nevertheless, I realized almost immediately that I was wrong. He still felt it was imperative to address how he had ended our short-term engagement by abruptly cutting off all communication.
While he’s talking about ignoring someone’s efforts to do the “right thing” or feeling mistreated, even if they don’t care anymore or it’s not that bad. I realized that I shouldn’t take this fact lightly. at that time. Recognizing and valuing this attitude of reconciliation fosters a culture of responsibility and healing.
From the very beginning of the conversation, I could see the effort and difficulty involved. It was awkward and weird, but also kind of fun and some moments were really hilarious! Since then, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this experience because it was unique and I ultimately consider it one of the highlights of my year.
Perhaps it’s no surprise, but receiving this kind of apology made me value this person even more. I began to see that behavior as an exception, which in turn started a new thought: “Shouldn’t this be the norm?” Don’t we want to hold ourselves and our friends to higher standards? Is ghosting bad? Are our reactions to it bad? Of course, we all know how convenient ghosting is, but it can also be extremely embarrassing for the person doing the ghosting.
(While I used the word “ghost” rather than “ghost” to discuss behavior, I do not imply that it is an immutable aspect of a person’s identity. This distinction is important. Because we avoid labeling individuals in a way that suggests permanence and, therefore, potential for growth and change).
It’s one of those “The King Is Naked” stories. All of us, and I mean everyone, will see it happen. So what’s underneath? And why do people do it so much?
Fear of Confrontation: Many people find face-to-face confrontation uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking, so ghosting allows you to avoid the discomfort of having a potentially awkward or difficult conversation. can. Lack of responsibility: In some cases, avoiding conversations and disappearing can make you feel like you are not responsible for your actions. This is because ghosting does not have an immediate impact on the person doing the ghosting. At first glance, it seems like an easy escape route. Emotional avoidance: Some people go through stages where they lack the emotional resources to maturely deal with the end of a relationship or a difficult situation. Ghosting can be a way to avoid facing your own emotions. Reduced empathy: Ghosting can make you feel even more isolated, making it easier to ignore other people’s feelings and the impact of your actions. Digital communication further exacerbates this separation, as the lack of face-to-face interaction reduces empathy and connection to the ghosted person. Overwhelming Reactions: Sometimes life gets so hectic that people react in clumsy and often unconscious ways. You may be ghosting a friend, family member, or partner without knowing why. It’s a misguided attempt to simplify things when everything feels out of control.
Well, I’ve come up with some ideas as to why people ghost. Now, let’s talk about what you can do with this insight. Whether you’re the one doing the ghosting or deciphering the silence, here are some tips to help you navigate these difficult situations.
A kind reminder for those who are critical of themselves
First and foremost, get something out of the way. For those who are critical of themselves, those who feel they don’t even deserve an apology, those who feel worthless because of their partner’s or friend’s ghosting behavior, they realize that the problem is not them. It is important to remind you.
Yes, there may be something in your actions that Ghoster doesn’t agree with at the moment. You may have some shortcomings, but nothing is proportional to the lack of awareness and invisibility that being a ghost imposes on a person. It’s never guaranteed.
The actions of others reflect their own inner state. They don’t measure your worth. Your self-esteem cannot be affected or diminished by external actions. Recognize that you have fundamental worth and live according to your worth, regardless of how others treat you.
Ghoster’s strategy
If you find yourself ghosting someone, it is important to realize that you are indulging in behavior that should be temporary. It is important not only not to condemn yourself at this moment, but also to understand that ghosting is a reflection of the discrepancy between yourself and other people, the world and your feelings.
Instead of feeling self-righteous, blaming yourself, or worse, constantly cycling between two extremes, consider giving yourself a time limit. You may not be able to deal with this situation right away, but you should try to deal with it within a set period of time.
Avoiding difficult situations means missing important moments. Although your friends won’t necessarily warn you about this behavior, consider this advice the gentle nudge you need. Acknowledge that not only may your ghost not deserve this kind of treatment, but that you yourself don’t deserve it either.
Setting a time limit can be an easy way to give yourself some breathing room, knowing you can handle it. There is a quote by Alan Watts that I particularly like. “The more a thing tends to be permanent, the more lifeless it tends to be.”
After all, you shouldn’t act differently just to make someone else feel better. Instead, you should act differently. Because you have the right to feel good, and your actions (and thoughts and feelings) make the world richer. What would you like to add?
ghost strategy
If you have been ghosted, there are a few things to keep in mind to help you get through the experience.
First, try not to be self-righteous or harbor anger or resentment. Being ghosted often leaves you feeling hurt, invisible, and incredibly irritating. It’s natural to feel the urge to lash out in a strong desire to be recognized. Anger can feel like a powerful antidote to the feelings of helplessness and depression caused by ghosting. So if you’re feeling helpless, reaching out to your anger can be a way to regain a sense of control. And if anger is helping you cope right now, that’s okay. Accept it as a necessary step in your emotional journey.
However, there comes a time when it is important for your growth to overcome anger and resentment. As Malachy McCourt said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Second, avoid toxic positive reactions. Sure, I said not to harbor negative emotions, but you also don’t have to act like it’s all sunshine and rainbows. Pretending it doesn’t hurt won’t help. If so, we can safely admit that it is painful. But stay true to yourself and be acutely aware of all the nuances of how you’re feeling. Sometimes your ego is hurt more than your heart.
Third, focus on activities outside of yourself. When you’re feeling depressed, upset, or angry because your loved one is chasing you, turning your attention outward can be surprisingly therapeutic. It may sound cliché, but spending your time and energy on activities that don’t center around your problems can be distracting and can even help rebuild your self-esteem.
When we fixate on our own problems, we tend to focus on a small part of the universe. Participating in a hobby, helping others, or immersing yourself in a new project can expand your horizons and give you a new sense of purpose and fulfillment. Think of this as a mental stretch. Focus more on what feels good.
When you’re ready, try to see ghosting less as a reflection of your worth or an inherent characteristic of the person you’re ghosting, and more as a reactive moment, a spasm, from someone grappling with unresolved issues. please. And know that if you use this experience to better understand yourself and your own wounds and triggers, it can lead to emotional growth. This change in perspective helps release the hurt and begin healing.
About Marta Castella
Marta Castella is an accomplished linguist and doctoral educator. In formal linguistics. She has dedicated her career to strengthening early education and promoting multilingualism, designing bilingual immersion programs and customized learning plans for young children, and integrating mindfulness, cooking, gardening, and music. Marta’s professional journey includes roles as a natural language analyst, AI training, and prompt design. When Marta is not immersed in research or teaching, she enjoys sports and meditation.
