Written by Leo Babauta
When we are trying to grow, what we are really trying to do is step into a new and expanded view of ourselves.
For example, if you want to be more mindful, live more simply, be more compassionate towards yourself and others, or be more disciplined about meaningful work, these are all new versions of you. They extend beyond your old view of yourself.
We are always trying to expand beyond our old identity. When we try something new, grow in a relationship, or break a bad habit…what we’re actually doing is shedding an old view of ourselves.
Unfortunately, old self-views have a gravity that always tries to pull us back into our old ways.
So for some of the examples above, it would look like this:
Be more mindful — The old way of living your life without thinking will draw you in to distractions and habitual patterns that will pull you back in. Living simply — The old way of living a cluttered life tries to keep you there by stopping fear. They may stop tidying up or let fear lead them to make impulse purchases. Have more self-control. Your old procrastinating self will resist that discipline, wanting to avoid things that are difficult or overwhelming. Let’s try something new. Being comfortable with yourself causes a lot of resistance and thoughts because you end up putting off trying new things and feel bad or awkward. Break bad habits — If your old self says things like, “It won’t hurt just once,” or “Why are you torturing yourself?” or “You deserve the reward,” then you’ll find yourself feeling comfortable. Allows you to continue your bad habits.
Therefore, old identities try to keep us in what we know. How do we expand beyond that?
This is what I found.
1: Set intentions for the extended self
Let’s imagine you weren’t limited by your old identity – who would you like to be? What would you like to do that seems a bit impossible? It could be something small (“I want to wake up a little earlier”) or it could be a big change for you (“I want to share my creative work with the world in a bold way”).
Set this intention. Be clear about why this is important to you.
Then throw yourself into the actions that this expanded self would take.
2: Practice behavior and being.
A change in your self-view occurs when you act outside of your old, limited view of yourself. If your old identity was being an introvert, but now you’re talking to strangers every day… your old identity won’t survive.
So, it’s okay to take a break, just commit to doing this action every day, or at least most days. Practice expanding your self-view by performing those actions as much as possible.
It will probably be difficult as you will be drawn back to your old identity (see next section)…but practice anyway!
Then, as you take action, practice expanded being as an inner state. For example, you may want to have more fun when you work. If so, practice the fun of it.
3: Be aware of when and how you get pulled back.
Every time you step out of the way you’ve known yourself, your old identity tries to pull you back. If you want to speak in public, every time you sign up for a talk, a lot of reasons come to mind that you should cancel.
This is a real horror. It is a physical sensation of fear, resistance, fear, and overwhelm. It’s also a train of thought: rationalization (“I can just skip this once”) and mental gymnastics (“Life is too short to get past this”).
Be aware of all this. Take notes! Be curious.
4: Be kind to yourself and keep practicing
When you realize all this, it’s just the fear coming true. Give your fear a little compassion. Breathe. Be understanding and loving.
And if possible, take small actions. Just a little bit. Even that will create a gateway to a new way of looking at yourself.
