“If you‘“If you don’t rest your mind and body, they will break down. Stop pushing yourself through pain and fatigue and start taking care of your needs.” – Lori Dechenes
I lay in child’s pose on my yoga mat for 45 minutes, unable to move.
The fatigue in my body felt like a thousand kilos and the pain of failure brought tears to my eyes.
Despite the early morning runs, after-work boot camps, and restrictive dieting, my body still didn’t look like the bikini models I saw on Instagram.
My relationship fell apart despite all my efforts, effort and care. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he didn’t love me anymore and I couldn’t understand what I did wrong.
Despite the long hours and high stress, my boss didn’t acknowledge me and I had to face the fact that I wasn’t as talented a designer as I tried so hard to be.
As I dwelled on my failures and the heartache of not being “good enough,” I felt my body begging me.
“Why don’t you love me?” she asked. “Why do you push me so hard? Why is it never enough?”
I was surprised because it was the first time I had ever heard that voice, and it was filled with the pain of rejection.
In that moment, I realized that everything I’d ever wanted had ultimately sent me the message that I wasn’t acceptable for who I was — that I needed to change or become someone different in order to be loved, valued, and successful.
The more I tried to be perfect, to achieve, to prove my worth, the more exhausted, defeated, and insignificant I felt. In my desperate search for the approval of others, I was actually rejecting and abandoning myself.
This realization hit me with sadness. What have I done???
This obviously wasn’t working so I made a life changing decision.
“Okay,” I told myself, “I’m going to do it differently.”
“I’m going to listen to you from now on,” I promised. “We’re in this together.”
As soon as I made this decision, I felt my body breathe a sigh of relief – she had been waiting for this moment my whole life.
In the months that followed, I quit my job, left friendships, and left the home that my ex-husband and I had built together.
I was so burned out I took refuge on my parents’ couch, after years of trying so hard that my body finally gave out.
I struggled to walk to the end of the street. When I was in the store, the stimulation was so intense I nearly passed out. I couldn’t sleep for months. I had terrible stomach pains and migraines so bad I couldn’t think straight. My heart was bursting. I felt like my life was over.
It was physically painful and emotionally devastating, but it was also the greatest blessing.
My body gave me a chance to start again.
The scary thing about burnout is that you can never go back to the way your life was before. Your old life clearly wasn’t working. Your lifestyle, your thought patterns, your identity, your environment — none of it was serving you.
Burnout burns everything down and forces you to start over.
My previous identity was that of a hardworking, likeable perfectionist obsessed with external validation. If I hadn’t let go of that pattern and made the internal effort to completely reconstruct my identity, I would have found myself falling back into burnout after a few years (sadly, this happens to others too).
Trust me, burnout is not something you want to repeat. I made a promise to myself to never put myself in that situation again.
Throughout my healing journey, I focused on building a relationship with myself and my body that wasn’t about telling my body what to do or pushing it, but about checking in regularly, listening to my body, and respectfully honoring its needs.
Every morning I would sit on my meditation cushion and take some time for self-reflection.
How was I talking to myself?
Where was I judging myself?
What did my body want from me that day?
It took me two years, almost three, to fully recover from the burnout, and to say I was desperate to get back to “normal” again is an understatement.
Whenever I felt frustrated with my body, I immediately responded with compassion and gratitude, recognizing that my body was going through hell and doing its best to return to optimal health. My impatience was honestly just creating more stress that my body didn’t need to deal with.
This is how I learned to love myself for who I am without being labeled as accomplished. Burnout took away everything I had worked so hard for: my career, my relationships, my physique, my home. I had to learn to love myself for who I am without being labeled as productive.
Through this loving effort, my body has taught me how to live a life that is right for me.
I realized I am a Human Design Projector, an intuitive guide who knows how to manage my energy to stay happy and healthy in this busy, productive world. I adjusted my schedule based on my energy rhythms and built more rest and play into my day (admittedly, it wasn’t easy at first, given my workaholic tendencies, but now I can’t imagine doing it any other way).
Creating more space helped me find my soul purpose: to connect with my body, love myself unconditionally, and teach others how to build successful lives in a sustainable way. I started a business based on what I love, coaching women, and hosting retreats all over the world, all without the extreme busyness I was used to.
The pressure to be in shape was gone. Instead of counting calories and pushing my body to its limits, I focused on nutrition and movement that felt good. I didn’t care if my cellulite was visible or what people thought of my clothing choices. After years of obsession, the space this opened up in my mind was the most freeing feeling ever.
Learning to love my body completely changed my attitude towards life. For the first time, I was aware of my limitations and was able to create balanced relationships that I found truly fulfilling.
I went from being overworked in a job I hated and overcommitted in terrible relationships to running a purpose-driven business, being rewarded for being myself, and surrounded by truly supportive people.
It was all because my body had put the brakes on my old lifestyle and redirected it. She showed me there was a more sustainable, more joyful, more harmonious way to achieve my dreams.
And for that, I am forever grateful.
About Alicia Engruber
Alicia Ingruber is an empowerment coach and somatic yoga teacher who helps women feel most confident and fulfilled by regulating their nervous system, shifting their mindset, and aligning their energy with their unique Human Design. She leads clients, workshops, and retreats all over the world and is a strong advocate of setting boundaries, courageously pursuing your purpose, and learning to love yourself unconditionally to create success that beats burnout. Find her at aliciainspired.com and on Instagram.
