“Can I sit with both you and me without trying to erase it? Can I stay in the pain of loss or dishonorance? This is the trick.” ~PemaChödrön
At the age of 47, I have experienced some form of chronic illness since my mid- to late 20s. Last year I encountered chronic pain at a level I had never experienced before. Part of it is related to illness, and part of it is simply my body getting older, coupled with the repetitive effects of sitting and working with my hands for several years.
It is worth mentioning that I had a massive spiritual awakening about three years ago. For the first time in my life, I realized that what I believed was no longer true. It was when it piqued me to my heart, a great time of emotional healing and discovering who I am.
The real me is not a curated me constructed by trauma, nurture, and social norms. I’m a strange thing at my core and now I’m completely accepting it (haha). As I navigated through the turbulent awakening, I realized the dynamics of my subconscious and certainly non-malicious things.
There is a tiny line between ignoring or suppressing pain and chronic illness and focusing on positive thinking and health.
It benefits both positive thinking and showing health, but it can feel like society views pain or chronic illness as a sign of something wrong or something that is somehow lacking. Masu. Dismembering what is happening in the present moment can lead to shame. Instead of meeting yourself, not “exhibiting” your health and happiness.
I found myself potentially in that flow of thought. Until she heard Tara Blach’s teachings, she spoke about the importance of respecting the reality that I came to know. It was a very light bulb moment! I found myself completely ignoring my pain and chronic illness.
When that awareness came, I realized that I was able to accept my reality at each moment and that I could make sure my practice was working. I met myself not with shame or judgment, but with vast compassion and willingness to head towards suffering.
Mindfulness teachings and practices encourage gentle acceptance of each moment. Whatever it is, without judgment, and whatever you judge there to include it. By drawing attention to skillfully responding to pain and illness rather than reacting from fear or denial, it promotes inner peace, resilience and deeper connection with oneself.
It is powerful to simply name a sense of what is happening when pain or illness comes, even if it is just yourself. Naming is witnessing, and witnessing brings something hidden in the light. When I practice this, there is a soft softening and embodiedness of compassion.
Another useful exercise to pay attention to pain and illness is the practice of meditation known as “titration and modestness.” To practice this, the invitation is to choose a place that is neutral to the body, such as the top of the head, forehead, and even the sensation of the hair. After choosing that neutral spot, if you find it supportive, give your kind attention to pain and discomfort once or twice.
Accept it and breathe it without getting caught up in the story of why it’s there. Next, turn your attention to the neutral spot you selected. This practice can help create a wider range and you may find it somewhat easier.
There may be cases where a great pain and illness cannot access this and it is completely fine. It’s okay to let your practice rest for a while or practice in a way that creates a sense of peace, peace or happiness in your mind and body.
This may look like talking to friends, going for walks, drinking a pleasant tea, watching your beloved show, resting, or sleeping. Mindfulness does not make judgments about days or months that you miss.
For the past 3-4 months, due to physical pain and work-related busyness, I have not been able to maintain my daily sitting meditation. My practice has been looking for more formal and shorter than the beginning of the year recently. It may seem like a moment of gratitude, but I will notice my breath and practice mini rain (recognition, acceptance, healing, nurture). The beauty of practicing mindfulness is that it is always here for you.
I am deeply grateful for Jack Cornfield’s description of pain and illness as “visiting energy.” Pain and illness, especially when chronic, does not define who we are, and it does not remain static when we feel that way.
Before mindfulness became my way of life, I made chronic illness and its circumstances my identity. In my opinion, I was a victim. I was hooked on that way of thinking. There was a deep hatred for my body, and often there was a sense that the universe was against me.
Regular practices over the past few years have completely changed my perspective! I now consider myself more than my body and its abilities. I understand the fundamentals of non-persistence. Everything changes, and not even pain or illness remains the same.
I still have some forms of chronic illness, but I am not where I was. There is a decline and flow to everything in life, including this. I have developed compassion for myself, but now I consider my body wise and communicative. I listen where I am and meet myself.
At our core, we are conscious and current perceptions. We are not a name, a job, or a role. We have a lot more. We are light. We are love. We are good. Regardless of our abilities or disabilities, we are inherently valuable. Our value is not determined by our productivity 100%.
Mindfulness bridges the gap between ignoring pain, shame, and self-loathing. It offers great wisdom: pain and illness are the energy that comes to come. There is decline and flow. They do not define us.
They can coexist with peace, joy, gratitude, satisfaction, compassion, and teach us to embrace the entire range of human experience with 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. These experiences will help you to meet mindful compassion and discover the meaning and growth of our experiences.
About Sarah Jester
Sarah is a jeweller and mindfulness meditation teacher in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. She is deeply passionate about the transformational power of mindfulness meditation. Through her practice, she regained her voice, inner strength, and her authentic self. She creates a nurturing and safe space for others to explore mindfulness meditation, providing kind and non-judgmental attention no matter what happens. Each session is infused with kindness and love, leading participants to their own healing and self-discovery. Check out Sarahrenajester.com and the Insight Timer.
