“No one can go back in time and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and create a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson
It may be tempting to think that a new partner is necessary for a better relationship, and for some people this is true. But many of us don’t need new relationships. We just need to start doing things differently with what we have.
Perhaps you feel that your relationship is not as fulfilling as it used to be. Maybe you are not only losing hope, but also resisting the efforts needed to improve it. I’ve been there. A few years ago, at the beginning of a long-term relationship, I started feeling insecure. My husband and I became increasingly estranged. It was easy to blame the usual suspects.
He’s not doing enough around the house Our personality differences Stress from work, parenting, and managing the household finances The “usual causes” – hormones, boredom, different sexual desires and desires
As our disconnect deepened, I realized that I was turning it into a wound. That hurt caused me to withhold love, which only created further distance.
But still, I always felt like I was doing the hard emotional labor of relationships. I always felt like I was in charge when repairs needed to be made after an argument. I first apologized, suggested a solution, and took steps to improve the situation. All the while, I wondered why he didn’t do the same.
One day, in the midst of frustration and self-pity, I had an epiphany. Deep down I was waiting for him to take the first step towards feeling more connected. In reality, my anger and disappointment were keeping us stuck. If you wait like this, your marriage may fall apart. And that was a price I didn’t want to pay.
I valued our relationship too much to let my hurt get in the way. So I made a decision. Instead of waiting for him to act, I took control of what I could do. I applied everything I learned from life and counseling and focused on us.
power to choose actions
I was too overwhelmed to invest in saving the relationship until that alarm bell went off. I kept asking myself. “Why do I always have to do something?” Why can’t he do it? This idea only deepened my dissatisfaction. This caused me to focus too much on his flaws and ignore my own role in the problem.
When I finally decided to take action, everything changed. Even with minimal effort, the results were exponential. My feeling of “poor me” began to fade, and our relationship began to feel connected, loving, and hopeful again.
Many of us fall into the trap of thinking, “Why should I do the work if my partner isn’t doing it?” However, this way of thinking does not allow us to escape from the victim mentality. It loses power and stunts growth. The truth is, we have more control over our own happiness than we think.
you are 50% of the relationship
No matter what dynamics or patterns exist in your relationship, you are 50% of it. Together, you and your partner create a web of interactions, habits, and experiences. It’s tempting to point fingers, but in doing so we overlook our role in maintaining the pattern.
Here’s the good news. Since you are one half of the relationship, the changes you make to your inner world will ripple outward as well. Shifting 50% changes the whole dynamic. In my experience, this can have significant implications.
It’s your life – it affects you the most
It’s easy to tell yourself, “I’m not going to do anything until they take action.” But who does such an attitude hurt in the long run? you. How you feel in a relationship affects your overall happiness. When the relationship between my husband and I was strained, I felt stuck, resentful, and less positive about life in general.
If you wait for your partner to change, your happiness will be put on hold. By taking action, you can take control of your emotional health and relationship satisfaction.
You know what you want, but your partner doesn’t
Many of us have this romantic idea that our partner *just* needs to know what we need. We expect them to be mind readers and understand our desires even without clear communication. However, this can lead to frustration for both parties. Your partner cannot read your mind and can only guess.
The truth is, only you know what you really need. Your job is to communicate those needs effectively. Sharing your desires openly can help your partner fulfill them without confusing them.
After all, your relationship is worth the effort. By taking ownership of your role, communicating openly, and prioritizing connection over resentment, you can always choose the best outcome. Positive change starts with you.
Ideas to remove from your mindset
To foster healthier relationships, let go of limiting beliefs such as:
“It’s not fair that I have to do all the work.” “My partner never makes the changes.” “If I start, the effort becomes less meaningful.” We need to punish them for their lack of consideration.”
Letting go of these harmful thoughts will help you enter a more powerful, loving mindset that will benefit both you and your partner.
Action steps: Things you can start changing today
If you’re ready to improve your relationship, here are some practical steps to get started.
1. Reflect on what’s going well.
It’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong, but don’t forget to evaluate what’s going well. What aspects of your relationships still bring you joy and connection? Recognizing your strengths will increase your motivation to work on areas that need improvement.
2. Develop a partnership mindset.
Stop thinking of improving relationships as the sole responsibility of one person. Approach it as a team effort. Discuss common goals with your partner and focus on how you can both contribute to a more fulfilling relationship. When we work together, it stops feeling like a burden and starts to feel like a partnership.
3. Communicate clearly.
Your partner cannot read your mind, and unclear communication leads to misunderstandings and unmet needs. Be open about what you want, how you feel, and what you want from your relationship. If you communicate clearly and kindly, your partner will be more receptive and willing to meet you halfway.
4. Prioritize connectivity.
Set aside time each week to nurture your relationships. Whether it’s a special date night, a walk together, or just a heart-to-heart conversation, make connection a priority. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Consistent small moments of connection can rebuild intimacy and trust over time.
5. Consider professional help.
If you and your partner feel stuck in negative patterns that you can’t break out of on your own, consider seeking help from a relationship therapist or coach. Sometimes an outside perspective can lead you to deeper understanding and better communication.
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Improving your relationship doesn’t mean waiting for the other person to change. It starts with you. By changing your mindset, taking ownership of your role, and communicating openly, you can transform not only your relationships but your overall sense of well-being.
Your relationship is worth the effort. Let go of limiting beliefs that hold you back, embrace the potential for growth, and create new outcomes. When you take action to improve your partnership, you’ll not only feel more connected and fulfilled, you’ll discover a stronger, more resilient version of yourself.
About Nicole Matheson
Nicole Matheson is a relationship-focused counselor and couples therapist who helps people come back to themselves and create more loving, connected, harmonious, and intimate relationships with themselves and their partners. We help you learn practical and experiential skills. Nicole is the author of The Beauty Load. This book exposes the harmful and unrealistic beauty pressures society places on women and shares ways to let go of that conflict. For more information, please visit www.nicolemathieson.com.
