Letting go of self-sabotage: 3 simple ways to catch and redirect yourself.

Letting go of self-sabotage: 3 simple ways to catch and redirect yourself.

“Most human pain is unnecessary. As long as the unobserved mind runs your life, it creates itself.” ~Eckhart Tolle

“Holy shirtball!” I yelled, jumping from the ice-cold stream of water, gasping for air.

At 5:30 a.m. I was in a hotel in Argentina, bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived, with no access to hot water, and my back like the surface of the sun.

The day before, I fell onto my stomach, engrossed in the first self-help book I’d ever read, and ended up with the worst sunburn of my life. I couldn’t believe that other people were just like me, with big ambitions and wanting to grow beyond society’s boundaries.

In fact, I got so carried away that I forgot to apply sunscreen. (I learned a lesson!)

When I packed my bags and left Argentina with a newfound sense of confidence, thrill, and an amazing tan, I used what I learned from that first book to create my life exactly how I wanted it to be. I vowed to change it into what it was. A great relationship with a man who valued me, the freedom to start my own business, and finally getting in shape.

And then I landed in my hometown of Buffalo.

At the time, I was a college student studying to become a Spanish teacher.

As I asked my family questions, answered thoughtful questions, and looked out at the cold winter landscape, I thought to myself, Only super successful people can live such a life and set such goals. I’m just a girl living in a small town who plans to become a successful Spanish teacher in the future. I already have a lot. I couldn’t ask for more. ”

Thus began my years of self-deprecation. I had a good life on paper, but by trying to fulfill my bigger dreams I sabotaged the shitty thing inside me. When I need to take brave action to get in shape, advance my career, or meet new people, I find myself watching endless TV, avoiding job postings, and dating perfectly rational men. I even turned him down on our second date. Confidence and confidence spiraled down the drain.

If you’ve ever set a goal to spend less and then ended up buying more or ordering pizza during the second week of a new fitness plan, self-sabotage can be a frustrating habit. You probably know. Never kick.

But we have good news!

Self-sabotage is actually the final act in a predictable series of events. And these things happen to everyone. By taking the following three steps, we can easily catch these warning signs of self-destruction in advance and deepen our pursuit of our goals.

1. See impostor syndrome as exciting!

Before you dive into self-sabotage, you need to change the way you think about its precursors, the predictable events that lead to self-sabotage.

These precursors include:

impostor syndrome overwhelm self-doubt analysis paralysis anxiety believing you are not good enough

The experience of these precursors determines the actions we take when we act from a position of “I can’t”. A new fitness plan, the next step in a relationship, or a promotion seems out of our control, and our brains immediately default to “I can’t handle this, so I can’t do this.” I will.

When we take inspired action to live our most fulfilling lives, we are taking a big step outside of our comfort zone.

Our brains intentionally use these methods to stop us from moving forward, as there is no evidence of success in this new field and we are unable to adjust our blueprints to encompass it. Create progenitor thought patterns. It considers anything outside of our comfort zone, including any growth or fulfillment beyond where we are, to be an unaccountable psychological danger.

We can’t stop our brains from implementing these safety measures, but we can stop ourselves from accepting them.

A shift in mindset occurs when we stop seeing the presence of these omens as bad signs or something to be fixed, and instead see them as something exciting.

You may be thinking, “I hate feeling overwhelmed or feeling like I’m not good enough.” It sucks!

I do not agree that these are unpleasant experiences. But I would say that these feelings are also proof that you are on the right track.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, imposter syndrome, or experiencing self-doubt, it’s because what you’re trying to do is outside of your brain’s comfort zone. And because the purpose of our life is growth and evolution, and all growth and evolution happens outside of our comfort zone…

These actions only occur when you are trying to do something brave.

Feeling like you’re not good enough is no longer proof that you’re not good enough. It’s just proof that you’re making bold decisions for yourself to truly live and grow instead of letting your brain stop you.

As you try to make courageous decisions, you may constantly feel the precursors of overwhelm, self-doubt, feelings of not being good enough, comparisonitis, and impostor syndrome.

If we can distance ourselves from the instability of these omens and understand that they are natural markers of exciting progress – not the end of the road, but only stop signs along the way, we can move from nervous self-destruction to determined progress. You can change direction to.

2. Feel your emotions.

We’re all guilty of regulating our emotions in ways we know don’t serve us. For you, that might mean scrolling through social media or going out with friends. Maybe a glass of wine or some extra chocolate cake.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I always gravitate toward comedy specials on Netflix. Or just watch TV to distract yourself from what’s going on.

I would like to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with doing these kinds of actions in moderation. In fact, these pleasures are meant for us to enjoy while we are on earth. However, if you constantly postpone these actions, it becomes a warning signal that self-destruction is about to occur.

Because the root of all self-sabotage is the avoidance of unpleasant emotions.

When we tell ourselves not to follow an inspired idea, we are “protecting” ourselves from something more concrete, such as judgment from friends and family, loss of money, or loss of time. You might think. However, these are simply neutral situations with no emotion involved in nature.

What we’re actually protecting ourselves from are the unpleasant emotions our brains generate from these situations, such as disappointment, shame, and guilt if we fail.

A mentor once told me a hypothetical story. If aliens came to Earth and asked humans about their feelings of shame, they would shudder and describe it as the worst feeling in the world. Curious aliens would be intrigued by this bold claim and would ask humans: Will your face melt? Do you get hives? Will I die from massive bleeding? ? ”

People will probably feel embarrassed and say, I just have a stomach ache. ”

I share this anecdote to illustrate that feeling emotions is not physically harmful. It’s just unpleasant.

But given all we’ve overcome in life, all the adversity we face every day, and the strength of the human spirit that unites us, some discomfort isn’t something we can’t handle. . It’s worth it because an exciting life lies ahead of our courage.

In order to stop self-sabotaging and move forward, you need to learn how to face and feel those emotions. (I promise your face won’t melt away if you do!) When you feel enough shame, embarrassment, and disappointment, their potency dissipates and you gain access to objective clarity.

The easiest way to feel your emotions is to sit in a quiet place and identify the emotion you are feeling. What is the name of it? (Fear, disappointment, panic, worry are common examples.

Then, set a timer for one minute and feel your emotions. It doesn’t mean thinking about emotions. In other words, feel the sensations in your body that this emotion produces.

Where on your body do you feel the emotion? Your chest, your hands, your throat, your stomach? Is there a color or shape? Does it have weight?

Touch the place on your body that feels it most, and take a minute to fully experience the sensation. By paying attention to this emotion for just one minute, its potency will dissipate and the sense of higher-order thinking is likely to return.

3. Take responsibility for your own story.

Once your emotions are fully felt and respected, you can begin to think critically to address the root of your self-sabotage.

My favorite question is, “What’s the story here?”

Remember that your brain starts to self-sabotage in order to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions. But you had to get evidence from somewhere that this action you were about to take would lead to disaster. So…where have similar situations happened in the past that ended in unpleasant feelings?

Suppose you come across a flyer announcing open auditions for a local musical. They are intrigued and excited to audition, imagining themselves on stage and the fun they will have as performers. But then you begin to hear omens: “I don’t have enough, I don’t have time, I can never do that,” which weakens your feelings and causes an inner conflict.

If the last time you auditioned for a musical, your voice went hoarse on the high notes and you didn’t get the role, you can’t blame your brain for sending you the warning signs. I want to put on the brakes and protect you from all the embarrassment you’ve been through at all costs. And the idea of ​​”not being good enough” is always effective in steering you away from that path.

But with clarity and compassion, we can see this experience for what it is: just a story from the past. Stories that have no bearing on our future unless we continue to conjure them up in our minds and bring them into the present.

Quietly observe how your brain automatically brings up memories and long-held beliefs when you ask yourself, “What story is here?” Once you’ve identified your sources, it’s time to ask yourself one last powerful question.

“Do I want to be the keeper of this story now?”

We all have the choice, every moment of every day, to hold on to our past stories or let go.

The stories we cling to once brought us safety. The music audition story protected us from the further embarrassment of trying to believe in ourselves again and potentially failing. Even if we have trusted someone before and that trust has been broken, our story of “I can’t trust others or open up to them” is unrequited. It protects us from the pain of weakness.

It is important to respect and recognize that these stories do indeed serve a purpose and have temporarily protected you. But in order to stop self-sabotaging and move forward with courageous action, we can let go of the stories that hold us back. We can begin to realize and get excited about all that awaits us on the other side with the release of this story, writing new stories and living our truly inspired lives. You will be able to access it.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. When you become aware of self-destructive behavior and realize that your brain is just playing some fun tricks to protect you from the unknown, it’s important to find compassion for yourself. Fortunately, these tricks are predictable, and if you learn to take them as good signs, feel your emotions, and let go of old stories, you can continue to grow into your bravest, boldest self. .

About Amanda Popovski

Amanda Popofsky is a life and business coach for female entrepreneurs who helps them move from feeling overwhelmed and overthinking to courageous action in a coordinated way. She invites you to learn more on her website amandapopovski.com or subscribe to her weekly newsletter here.

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