“A history of trauma gives you a higher tolerance for emotional distress. But just because it’s acceptable doesn’t mean you have to.” ~Dr. theme
I have just returned from a walk with a dear friend. It’s one of my favorite ways to catch up and connect. This friend has endured great hardship, especially over the past year. She faced great loss, losing her pets and much of her possessions in a devastating house fire.
The ensuing tsunami of grief and pain led to her experiencing a turbulent year of deep suffering and intense healing efforts. All the while, she supported her son without a partner, worked full time, and juggled temporary housing and the complexities of insurance claims.
Witnessing her journey was heartbreaking, but it also highlighted the incredible strength and resilience of the human spirit. Today she shared some deep insights. After facing her biggest fear and being forced to sit with it, she felt lighter and less burdened by the uncertainty of the future.
I saw how true this was when I saw her soft yet determined demeanor, the ease of her movements, and her willingness to risk joy again by adopting a new dog and reuniting with her friends.
Trauma comparison trap
Still, one recurring theme in our conversation stuck out to me. She often said that others had survived in much worse conditions. While this idea is sympathetic, it raises important questions. It seems to suggest that comparing your trauma to someone else’s can be a way to alleviate your own pain and be grateful that it’s not worse.
What is an effective way to gain perspective? yes. But this kind of thinking can also undermine our right to fully heal and recognize the inner impact of our own conflicts.
This trend is easy to understand. Years ago, I collapsed at the dentist’s office after learning I needed surgery. Trying to provide perspective, the dentist compared my situation to people facing life-threatening illnesses. I appreciated the attempt to provide context, but it hardly addressed my immediate emotional experience.
Looking back, I did have something to focus on, but I didn’t have the conscious mind to look at it. Additionally, the dentist’s comments made me feel somewhat embarrassed for reacting that way. So it was my interest to get through that problem as quickly as possible.
The origins of using comparison to manage pain
At the time, the tendency to feel guilty about my reactions wasn’t new to me. Because I was healthy, an only child, and privileged in many ways, I lived with a deep sense that accepting negative emotions was excessive and unwarranted.
I grew up in a time when parents often used comparison as a well-intentioned parenting strategy to raise disenfranchised children. I’ll give you something to cry about… There are starving children in Africa… Don’t be too sensitive… Do you know how much good you have? In my time…
In my own parenting, I have been guilty of shaming my children’s emotions. The only way to deal with that regret is to try to be better than you are now.
The unfortunate truth is that all humans experience pain, and the depth of what comes from that pain is never fully apparent to an outsider looking in. The real danger of comparison is that it often leads to the idea that trauma is only a problem with oneself. It is not an internal influence on us, but an external event that confronts us.
The nature of trauma: The big T and the little T.
Trauma expert Ryan Hassan distinguishes between what is often referred to as “big T” trauma (such as war, abuse, or significant loss) and “small T” trauma (which includes small, long-term experiences such as: We offer metaphors to help you differentiate. Bullying and emotional neglect.
Imagine someone who has injured their knee in a car accident and someone who has injured their knee from years of repetitive strain. Although knee injuries may differ in their causes, the injury and healing processes are fundamentally similar. The same applies to trauma. Whether it stems from a single catastrophic event or ongoing micro-events, the internal impact can be just as profound and worthy of attention.
Additionally, our ability to metabolize trauma when it occurs is highly dependent on support systems and safe relationships that we can rely on when we experience something terrible. Although this is partially circumstantial, the fact that two people who have experienced the same trauma can overcome it in very different ways, for example, one person becomes addicted and the other The fact that one becomes a motivational speaker highlights that the external nature of trauma is not the measure. It’s not the impact, but the ability the individual has to deal with it at the time.
My friend’s trauma would certainly fall under the Big T, but even knowing that, her tendency was to personalize her experience in an attempt to diminish everything she had done to get through it. There is a tendency to compare it with an even larger T.
A unique journey for each person
It has taken me most of my life to fully understand that each person’s journey through trauma is unique. Our paths are shaped by the survival adaptations we develop to protect ourselves in response to different life experiences that have triggered a fight, flight, fawn, or freeze response. Those reactions lead to energetic imprints that must be retained in our bodies and included in our healing activities.
Each painful experience, whether acute or chronic, holds the potential for deep healing, learning, and personal growth.
Errors in the medical model
Many years ago, I heard the story of another friend who happened to start crying at a medical exam after I told her about losing her father the previous year, and was told by her doctor that her father was supposed to be “over” by now. , I was very heartbroken. This type of dismissal, especially from the medical profession, highlights serious flaws in traditional approaches to trauma.
While a thorough acceptance of our situation is essential, the energetic aspects of trauma, often dismissed as “woo-woo” in the medical community, play an important role. This unaddressed energetic component can manifest as a variety of physical and psychological symptoms, requiring different types of interventions.
Dr. John Sarno’s concept of “symptom command” describes how symptoms rooted in repressed emotional energy can change and manifest in new forms until they are resolved at a deeper level. For example, even if one condition, such as plantar fasciitis, resolves, other problems, such as migraines, may develop if the underlying trauma remains unresolved.
Exploring a comprehensive healing approach
We are fortunate to live in a time where we have a variety of trauma processing options. Methods such as craniosacral therapy, somatic exercise, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), emotional freedom techniques (tapping), and traditional Eastern practices such as acupuncture and chakra balancing can be used in a variety of ways to cope with trauma. provides a method. Creative art therapy and journaling are also valuable tools. It is important to recognize the need for these approaches because symptoms often persist until the deeper causes of the symptoms are confronted.
give yourself permission to heal
My friend’s journey illustrates the amazing resilience of the human spirit in the face of severe trauma. But when she told me about a skin disease that had come out of nowhere recently and that doctors couldn’t seem to diagnose, it suggested to me that perhaps there might be aspects of her healing that aren’t getting the attention they need. did.
Although society’s understanding of trauma is growing, healing is not about comparing our pain, but rather respecting our personal journeys, understanding that our experiences are valid, and being open to communication. We need to be reminded that the allopathic language we use is to listen to our body’s wisdom. .
As we continue to expand our awareness and options for healing, we can all fully process our pain, develop resilience, and understand what it means to be a whole human being living in complex circumstances. May you have time and space to move forward with new understanding. and the messy human experience.
About Natasha Ramlal
Natasha Ramlal is a trauma-informed mind-body health practitioner. She helps individuals see their pain in new ways and move to more evolved levels of mental and physical health, wholeness, and healing. To learn more or work with her, visit humanistcoaching.ca and get her curated playlist Love, Natasha to help your nervous system while you’re having “that” day. Please restore balance.
