“It takes courage to grow and become who you really are.” ~EE Cummings
When I was little, I had the smallest bedroom in the house.
It was small. To be honest, it’s probably the size of a small walk-in closet. But it was mine. And for the first time, I could choose my look.
I remember choosing a light blue wallpaper with little pink flowers on it. My mother put it on half the wall with a wooden border, but the top half remained white. I chose it to match the soft blue carpet. I had twin beds and a small desk, and enough room on the floor to sit next to the bed.
There wasn’t much, but I loved the room. I was proud of that.
During the summer, I had a morning routine. When my mom left for work, I got up and poured myself a bowl of cereal. At the time, I was a picky eater and ate almost nothing but sugar. Hello, 1990.
After breakfast, I start cleaning my room and get ready to go to the local pool down the street.
I made the bed. I picked everything up. I vacuumed the carpet. every day.
The neighborhood pool doesn’t open until noon, so I walked there by myself, but I had to clean my room before going out. That wasn’t what I was wondering. That’s exactly what I did.
I didn’t think much of it at the time. It felt normal. It just felt good. I love how the room looks when everything is in place. I liked that feeling.
But I didn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand that my life was far from peaceful outside the room.
I grew up in a household where you never knew what was going to happen next. I was nervous and scared and felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
I didn’t know how someone would feel or what would trigger things. I learned to pay attention to everything: tone, energy, small changes. Because they matter.
Even if nothing happened, I didn’t always feel calm. A certain unpredictability remained in the background.
Even as children, we learn to read energy before we understand it. And when you can’t control what’s happening around you, find what you can control.
For me, it was my room.
In that space, everything stayed where I put it. Nothing surprised me. Nothing was unexpected.
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t just cleaning. It created a sense of stability in a life where there was nothing.
I was giving myself something solid. I didn’t have the words to describe it then, but I feel it now when I think of that little girl who was moving around the room making sure everything was in place before I left for the day.
It wasn’t about being perfect. It was about feeling okay. I didn’t realize that until recently.
I was cleaning the house while listening to audiobooks. I didn’t really plan on doing it, but once I started playing it, I was completely hooked.
And it shocked me. This is nothing new.
When I have a problem, I clean it. I clean when I’m angry. If I feel sick, I clean it.
It’s almost automatic. For a long time I doubted it. Why can’t I relax when things feel messy? Why do I feel like I need to solve everything before I can calm down?
Something inside me felt like it wouldn’t resolve until everything around me was processed.
Sometimes I would just ignore it and tell myself to sit back, relax, and put it behind me, but that didn’t last long. Because I knew how it would end. I won’t calm down until it’s over.
That small bedroom was more than just a room. It was the only place I felt safe. It was the only place in my life where I had control.
Cleaning is not something that only I do. That’s what I go for. That’s how I created that feeling, that sense of calm.
When I looked at it that way, something had changed.
It stopped feeling like it was something I needed to fix and started feeling like something I could understand and even respect.
There are many ways people can cope when life feels overwhelming. When things feel uncertain, people try to regain control in a variety of ways. And this? This is a piece that brings me back to myself.
I didn’t question it, I understood it. Instead of thinking, “Why am I like this?” I thought, “Of course I am.”
Many of the things we do as adults don’t start here. It starts much earlier, in ways we don’t fully understand at the time.
we adapt. We will find a way to cope. We create small pockets of control, safety and peace of mind wherever possible.
And those patterns don’t just disappear. they chase us. Sometimes quietly, sometimes in a way that we don’t even ask until something makes us stop and take a closer look.
To me it looked like cleaning. Not because I needed everything to be perfect, but because having order made me feel grounded. It gave me something stable to fall back on when everything else felt uncertain.
And when you think like that, the way you see yourself changes. Now, when I find myself clearing out counters or reorganizing spaces when I’m overwhelmed, I don’t fight like I used to.
I recognize it. Sounds familiar. It’s something that’s been going on for me for a long time. But more than that, it’s what helped me get through. And perhaps that’s the part worth noting.
It’s not just the pattern itself that matters, but also what it did for me. Because when you start understanding where your behavior comes from, something changes.
We stop reacting to ourselves. You’ll start to see connections. We begin to realize that what we have been carrying around with us, sometimes without realizing it, was no accident.
Those were the responses. They were a way to adapt. These were ways to make life feel like something could be done, even when it wasn’t.
If you find yourself repeating a certain behavior, it might be worth asking not just why that behavior is there, but what it’s giving you.
When you see it clearly, you become less judgmental, more aware, and have more options.
That girl who cleans her room every morning wasn’t aiming for perfection. She was creating what she needed.
And in many ways, I still am.
About Silena Miller
Shirena Miller is a writer who focuses on self-awareness, emotional growth, and understanding the deeper “why” behind our patterns. Through storytelling of personal experiences, she explores how early experiences shape the way we think, feel, and navigate life. She shares more thoughts and resources at https://cylinamiller.myflodesk.com/zp48cnsbhw.
