Do I need to forgive an abused mother to let go of the past?
This is a question that I realized that I was working on it when I started recovering from childhood negligence. Most of my childhood I couldn’t access the consistent adult who valued me. As a result, I believed that it was worthless and lived in this belief.
I treat myself as a very valuable entity by denying my needs, responding to everyone else who tried to benefit from my low self -value. I did it. My physical and mental health suffered. I wasn’t built as a child, but I felt that I was trapped in a cage I lived as an adult.
My childhood trauma had a negative effect on my life for over 30 years, so I had to find something that would help me move forward. Many people praised the forgiveness for all treatments with moral advantage. They all encouraged me to forgive my mother.
Did you need to forgive to recover from trauma? I rely on a terapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, and doctors to find the answer. Their reactions? mixture.
One therapist told me, “If you can forgive, you should do it.
A psychologist said, “I have seen the clients I forgive and those who didn’t do so. To be honest, I’m not aware that there are differences in the results.”
According to a doctor, “Everyone needs to forgive. Holding GR will harm your mental and physical health.”
The psychiatrist provided a more subtle view. “Everything depends on what you need. If the forgiveness is a treated treatment, it is universally recommended.”
The lack of consensus was frustrating. I moved forward and was hopeless to let go of the past, and I needed to know -was the answer the answer? In the next three years, I deducted this question and interviewed a clinician, scholar, religious leader, and a trauma survivor.
What I discovered is as follows. Forgiveness is not a versatile solution, and you should never apply pressure or oblige. In fact, if you are forced to be forced, it will not work at all.
Selective forgiveness power
What I learned is that forgiveness can be incredibly released. But that’s only an option, not a requirement. Selective forgiveness is to give you permission to determine the best thing for you. It means that you can forgive forgiveness and even find that you can afford to forgive or even naturally happen over time.
For me, selective forgiveness has been a way to regain my healing journey control. I stopped worrying about whether to forgive, focused on what I needed to process and move forward. This approach was able to raise the essential forgiveness from my shoulders and create a space for what I felt real by my recovery.
How to accept selective forgiveness
If you are wondering how the selective permission is helpful to let go of the past, there are some steps you want to work for me:
1. Give priority to safety.
For years, it was not safe to contact my mother. In order to protect myself, I decided to establish a boundary including alienation for five years, but both were working on themselves in treatment. Only when I felt it was safe, I considered reconnecting, but I still had no forgiveness on the table until I felt it was ready.
Ask yourself to evaluate your safety:
Do you give priority to the need to feel safer than the pressure to forgive? Do you understand that forgiveness is not the same as a reconciliation? (You can forgive without reconciliation, and vice versa.) What kind of boundaries do you need to feel safe, and how can I tell my criminal?
2. We welcome the relentless things.
At one point, I wondered if what I couldn’t forgive was a sign of failure. However, I finally realized that it was not a “stage” that passes through the merciless things. It was a necessary and necessary part of my recovery.
Relatest is a place to rest, reflect, and process your emotions. There is no need to forgive. It can be an endpoint or just a part of the journey. The important thing is to forgive yourself where you are without judgment.
3. Let me feel angry.
For a long time, I was taught that it was a “bad” feeling, so I suppressed my anger. However, denying my anger continued to be stuck. After I gave myself the permission to feel it, my anger began to evolve to sadness, eventually becoming peaceful.
This is how you work with anger:
Write a letter to the person who hurt you and express your anger. (You don’t have to send it.) Be careful of where your anger appears in your body. Is it your chest, your stomach, your fist? What happened when you realized how anger you felt in your body? Move your body in an angry way. Punch your pillows, step on your feet, and go to run. Ask your body, “What do you want to do with this anger?”
4. Please trust the process.
When I hear the therapist saying “Please trust the process,” I admit that I am frustrated. I want to trust the results! However, recovery does not work like that. Selective forgiveness is not to achieve specific results, but to explore, feel, and grow without knowing where you are.
For me, trusting this process means accepting that I may not forgive my mother, and if I need it, I may forgive her. I let go of my anger and found sympathy for her, but I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want her in my life. Is it forgiving? Maybe not.
The more important question is that you need to let go of the past? The answer is no for me. I let go without forgiving. What do you need to let go of your past?
Find something useful for you
Your healing journey is your own, and no one can tell you what you need. There is no useful experience or method for everyone. Forgiving may be part of your process -or not. The most important thing is to respect your needs, your boundaries, and your emotions. Leaving the past does not follow someone else’s roadmap. That is to create your own.