Letting go of anger and frustration can actually help you regain control of a busy day or regain productivity after an exhausting day. But you have to do it consciously.
On the surface, these three people live in separate worlds.
Stefan works as a family physician, nurse practitioner, and manager at a busy urban clinic in the American Midwest. Angelique has turned her design talent into a successful business using recycled fibers, creating clothing that is sold throughout Southeast Asia. Avery directs a large nonprofit organization. It focused on improving access to nutritious food in deprived communities in the north of England.
Beneath the surface, they’re closer than you think.
Stefan is so distracted by his sadness over the end of his marriage that he becomes inaccessible to his patients and colleagues. Angelique can barely contain her anger every time she sees an email from a former supplier suing her. Avery’s strong concerns about future funding cuts are expressed as follows: Overly critical interactions with staff.
Across different industries and different continents, these three leaders have something in common. That is, the inability to manage painful emotions impairs work efficiency. Each of them lacks emotional self-control, one of the 12 core competencies in the model of emotional and social intelligence.
What is emotional self-control?
Emotional self-control is the ability to manage unpleasant emotions and remain effective during stressful situations. Notice I said “manage”. This is different from suppressing emotions. We need positive emotions. That enriches life. But you also need to give yourself space and time to process difficult emotions, but context is key. It’s one thing to do it in a heart-to-heart conversation with your best friend, it’s quite another to vent your anger and frustration at work. Emotional self-control helps you manage volatile emotions and maintain a calm and clear head.
Why is emotional self-control important?
To understand the importance of emotional self-control, it helps to know what happens in your brain when you can’t control your emotions. In my book, Brain and Emotional Intelligence, I explained:
“The amygdala is the brain’s radar for threats. Our brains are designed as tools for survival. In the brain’s blueprint, the amygdala occupies a privileged position. When the amygdala senses a threat; It can instantly take over the rest of the brain, especially the prefrontal cortex, resulting in what’s called amygdala hijacking.
During hijacking, we fail to learn and become dependent on over-learned habits and behaviors we have repeated over and over again. There is no innovation and no flexibility during hijacking.
Hijacking grabs our attention and alerts us to the threat at hand. If you’re working while suffering from amygdala hijack, you won’t be able to focus on the demands of your job and will only be able to think about what’s bothering you. Our memories are also shuffled, so we can remember things quickly that are related to the threat, but not so well about other things. During hijacking, we fail to learn and become dependent on over-learned habits and behaviors we have repeated over and over again. There is no innovation and no flexibility during hijacking.
…The amygdala often makes mistakes…. The amygdala receives data about what we see and hear with single neurons from the eyes and ears, but this is extremely fast for brain time and only receives a fraction of the signals that the senses receive. I don’t. Most of it is sent to other parts of the brain, which takes time to analyze these inputs and make more accurate readings. In contrast, the amygdala receives a crude image and must react immediately. Especially in modern life, we often make mistakes because “danger” is symbolic rather than a physical threat. As a result, we often overreact and regret it later. ”
The impact of a struggling leader
Research around the world and in many industries confirms the importance of leaders managing their emotions. Australian researchers have found that leaders who manage their emotions better improve business outcomes. Other research has shown that employees most vividly remember negative encounters with their managers. And after the negative interaction, they felt depressed and no longer wanted to have anything to do with their boss.
How to develop emotional self-control
How can we minimize emotional hijacking? First, we need to use another emotional intelligence ability: emotional self-awareness. It starts with paying attention to your inner signals. This is an application of mindfulness that allows us to observe not only when the amygdala takes over us, but also when destructive emotions begin to accumulate.
If you can recognize the familiar feeling that a hijacking is starting (your shoulders tense, your stomach pounding), it’s easy to stop it.
If you don’t realize that your amygdala is hijacking the more rational parts of your brain, it’s difficult to regain emotional balance until the hijacking subsides. It’s better to stop before it goes too far. To stop the hijacking, start with mindfulness and monitor what’s going on in your mind. Notice “I’m really upset right now” or “I’m starting to get upset.” If you can recognize the familiar feeling that a hijacking is starting (your shoulders tense, your stomach pounding), it’s easy to stop it.
Next, you can try a cognitive approach. In other words, tell yourself, think logically with yourself. Alternatively, we can intervene biologically. Meditation and relaxation techniques that calm the body and mind, such as deep abdominal breathing, can be very helpful. Like mindfulness, it is most effective during hijackings if practiced regularly. Unless these methods have become a strong habit of the mind, you cannot suddenly invoke them.
